New baby announcement - hurt feelings

[jambor]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. Im just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this, as we coparent well and get along fine.

They’ve only been together for one year and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married - we were together for 2, yet we didn’t get married despite me asking and having our child at the start of our relationship. I feel like this was a slight jab.

I feel even more hurt after his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason - I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

 

[xanti]

@jambor Would you have rather found out from your DC?

This was not at all malicious. It was simply a courtesy.

All of the other feelings are feelings you need to deal with, probably in therapy. I understand how this all can be very hurtful, and having help processing them will absolutely be beneficial.

 

[openmyheart]

@xanti The fact that OP is acting emotionally about finding this out really shows that OP's coparent was doing the right thing with this notification instead of letting DC become the messenger. Too often messengers get shot.

 

[lordimyre]

@jambor The situation may be hurtful to you, and those are your (valid) feelings to deal with.

Nothing about the text sounds spiteful.

 

[dandan27]

@jambor I really think you’re reading too much into this (because of your past relationship with the person). I really think the text was just a common courtesy thing.

 

[childofgod001]

@jambor Your coparent let you know that they'd just shared some big news with your kid and gave you the heads up. That's it. It's a courtesy to let you know so that you don't have to hear it second-hand from your kid. It also gives you a chance to emotionally prepare before the child comes home so that you have space to process your own feelings. I don't see any malice here at all.

 

[danields]

@jambor This may be pedantic, but might help.

Everything that hurts isn’t necessarily hurtful.

Something hurtful is done with the intention of causing pain.

Something that hurts is just painful.

I don’t think this was intentionally hurtful although I am 100% sure it hurt.

Sending

 

[religiousgirl]

@danields This. I’m sorry for the pain. I get it.

 

[jamess217]

@jambor Your feelings can be hurt but you're going to have to sit with that. The text is fine. You're not entitled to the inner workings of his life unless he deems so and that's what happened.

 

[anonymous108723]

@jambor How would you rather he tell you?

My ex did not tell me, my 5 year old did

It's upsetting especially if they don't do as much as they should for existing kid.

 

[captainhook77]

@anonymous108723 Same exact thing. My 5 year old daughter told me on FaceTime from their house.

 

[bimby]

@anonymous108723 Would you have preferred if your ex told you first? We are in a situation where we don’t have the best coparenting relationship and don’t openly speak about our personal lives. We didn’t know how else to go about it other than not mentioning it

 

[jwb725]

@jambor So im going to say this and I'm a guy. More then likely he didn't intend to hurt your feelings.
Alot of guys don't think about how a message will be taken by others if we do it's a quick 5 second thought. Or if we do, we try and craft it in a way to get the info across without saying too much as we know that likely any way we say it, it'll hurt.
So it's a quick let you know, rip bandaid off.. and he probably put it off as he knew no matter how he worded it, he'd fuck it up. He realized if your child knew he had to tell you..
Guys in general don't tend to purposely look to twist the knife etc.. you've had a wonderful child together. No matter how he told you about these developments it would hurt you. Yes I'm sure someone will say oh you can write it this way.. or that..
In the end he knew and felt you needed to know, and told you..
I mean it's not like he called ya up to be part of the wedding or baby shower.. that'd be painful.. he's working on his life, and trying to keep things civil

 

[withhope2022]

@jambor Text doesn’t seem malicious at all. It is their first child together. lol. You’re just upset at the truth now? You guys are exes for a reason . Move on and be thankful you coparent well together.

 

[mikethomasahn]

@jambor If you and him split up it was because you weren't "right for eachother" for whatever reason so how ever long you guys spent unmarried doesnt really pertain to how long he should wait to marry his current partner. Every relationship progresses differently, and j think it's okay that their relationship took a different timeline than yours.

My husband and his first wife got engaged after three months and married six months in but were only married for like a year. My husband and I got married about a year after getting serious, but had been close friends for a couple years before that, and have been married for three and a half. I have some friends that have been together for literally 3 decades and just aren't interested in marriage but are one of the most loving and devoted couples I know. And other couples that got married super quick and it didn't work out or they stayed together despite being super incompatable. All relationships operate on different timelines

 

[eazyphantom]

@jambor Is this text how you found out they are married, too? Because if so… that does seem to be a bit much for one message.

 

[jambor]

@eazyphantom Yes it is.

 

[eazyphantom]

@jambor That’s quite the information download all at once, and I think it’s reasonable to need some time to process it. I wouldn’t assume he meant it hurtfully—just perhaps wasn’t thinking it through or was attempting to avoid sharing too much.

 

[ellyavis]

@jambor I’d probably be hurt by the wording too. They may have wanted to avoid any conflict of you finding out by your child.

When me and my partner plan to try for kids after we’re married this coming winter, I too plan to notify my coparent by text if be are successful after it becomes more apparent that I won’t be able to hide it from our son’s teachers and coparent as our coparent relationship is civil at best. So this would be the best way for me in particular.

I haven’t told my coparent we’re engaged as I fear that too could cause so negatively in our relationship and spill into our son’s life. However I haven’t hid the engagement ring on my finger when we’ve done exchanges outside school due to the holiday schedule.

I know personally I wouldn’t do it maliciously just more of a curtesy so that way when our son mentions it, they are better prepared to respond appropriately. Maybe fingers crossed this was the of the same intention?

 

[olesia]

@ellyavis I stick to just what is pertinent to the children we coparent. Engagement, marriage license, wedding, expecting a child…we don’t care what the other does in those respects. We both have SOs and are now remarried, and she is with child and we just started trying as well. We tell the kids, and we don’t actively hide it from each other, but we don’t make it “a thing” by announcing it to one another.

That’s her life now. This is my life now. If it doesn’t directly affect our custody agreement or harm our children we coparent, we just let each other live our own lives. No social media. No unnecessary contacting. Just facts and basics, and I love it!