I'm facing a dilemma as my younger boyfriend, whom I have a wonderful relationship with, has developed a desire to have children despite initially not wanting any when we met. I have two kids from a previous relationship who adore him, and our family dynamic seemed perfect. However, over the past year, he has been showing interest in babies and making comments about having a baby together. This has caused tension between us because I don't want more children or to adopt. It's become a significant issue that could potentially lead to a heartbreaking breakup for all involved, especially my teen kids who have come to see him as a father figure (bio dad completely out of the picture by choice).
I feel trapped and uncertain about our future...
Edit: I'm really grateful for the responses, it looks like my fear is true, there isn't really anything we can do about a future. I know the longer we're together the harder it will be to break up. I'm concerned for my kids who have become so attached to him. This is going to be really hard
@abigal13 Unfortunately, kids are not something that can be compromised on. You either want them or not. I suggest being proactive here. Sit your boyfriend down for a serious heart to heart and ask him point blank what he wants. Let him know exactly what you want. If he does indeed want kids, then let him know it means you two have to part ways. Yes, breakups are hard, even harder, when children are involved. It will hurt. But having a child you don't want would hurt so much worse.
@abigal13 Why do you feel trapped? It’s your body. You already stated your preference. He knew what the deal was. So sit him down and say you understand his needs have changed. it’s going to affect your relationship if he stays and regrets not having kids. Or you feeling guilted into have kids you don’t want. That’s not going to work. You have to put yourself first in this if you don’t want kids. And he has to put himself first and find someone he wants to have kids with. Don’t waste each others future.
@abigal13 This happened to me when I dated a single mom. She made it clear she didn't want anymore kids. We had a talk about this and a few other things. I still wanted to be with her so it sucked ending the relationship but it was for the best. Talk to him and be firm..tell him straightforward you don't want anymore kids and he has to accept that or things need to end. Don't have a baby to please him and keep him around because that will affect your attachment to the child. And don't let him sweet talk you down in convincing you to do this.
@abigal13 He wants a legacy like you have. Name sake, DNA a family of his own with the woman he loves.
When you got together you were all he felt he needed. After seeing the family dynamics he uncovered feelings he didn't know existed.
Communication will allow both of you to express how this will effect your future. It is like wedding vows, people mean then when they say them but people change, feelings change. There are several reasons why separation happens or divorce. There are also reasons counseling can save damaged relationships...Talk to him but also be willing to listen, Good Luck
@abigal13 That's super tough. I'd say breaking up is easier than being coerced into bringing a whole new life into the world. Definitely talk about it first and maybe even go to couples counseling. But if you really are at odds about something so important and life changing, then it would be best to part ways. Cuz I've been in that situation before where my ex wanted another kid. My situation is different because she could barely take care of the one we had while I worked, and I could tell she was trying to use a second kid to try and "save our relationship". Because at that point the writing was on the wall.
@abigal13 Oh yikes! Please don’t make any sudden decisions… you might change your mind, given your age and health, etc. One can’t fault your BF for wanting his own biological child, and it would be a shame to throw away a wonderful relationship. Give yourself time to think it over.
@abigal13 you don’t want kids, he does, you need to sit down together and speak about this cause if you don’t, I hints might happen where one of you could get hurt.
If you can’t agree then maybe the easiest way would be to go your separate ways and stay friends and then he can find someone else that wants children with him.
He’s probably changed his mind seeing how things are with your children and thinking that he wants children of his own one day, end of the day, people change their minds on things like this, clearly he loves you enough to want you to be the mother of his child because he’s seen how you are with yours so knows that you will be a brilliant mother to his.
