@isaac1904 Quick question, is she using it with the hard r??? That’s how you put it in your post. Does her dad use it with the hard r or is she hearing it incorrectly?
javanwarbler
New member
@javanwarbler I mean- my husband and I are ridiculous so we use it with the hard r with each other when we’re being facetious 
plus some of our friends do the same thing. But most of the time it’s without the hard r lol
plus some of our friends do the same thing. But most of the time it’s without the hard r lolstephen3199
New member
@stephen3199 No but she also can’t pronounce her r’s.
tammyseeking
New member
@traxione Yes this perspective!
As a biracial person, with a white mother my initial thought is it’s not your place to police your daughter’s Blackness. Even IF you think you’re doing it in a way that is positive and helpful for her.
When she’s older you (but really her father) should explain to her the word (and how and why some people use it as a slur but other Black people have reclaimed it) but the decision of if she uses should be up to her. Obviously once she’s old enough to truly understand the word.
As of right now, if you don’t want her to say it honestly ignoring when she says it is prob best. If she sees it’s getting a reaction out of you, that’s attention and kids feed off that - they don’t see attention as good or bad, it’s just all attention.
You could explain to her in a age appropriate way that’s a word she can use with daddy, but not mommy cause mommy doesn’t use that word. “That’s daddy’s word, not mommy so we’re not gonna use it in this house!” Etc
As a biracial person, with a white mother my initial thought is it’s not your place to police your daughter’s Blackness. Even IF you think you’re doing it in a way that is positive and helpful for her.
When she’s older you (but really her father) should explain to her the word (and how and why some people use it as a slur but other Black people have reclaimed it) but the decision of if she uses should be up to her. Obviously once she’s old enough to truly understand the word.
As of right now, if you don’t want her to say it honestly ignoring when she says it is prob best. If she sees it’s getting a reaction out of you, that’s attention and kids feed off that - they don’t see attention as good or bad, it’s just all attention.
You could explain to her in a age appropriate way that’s a word she can use with daddy, but not mommy cause mommy doesn’t use that word. “That’s daddy’s word, not mommy so we’re not gonna use it in this house!” Etc
@tammyseeking This is generally how I feel, though I understand her concerns, I certainly think it’s up to her father to teach her, not her mother. Your solution is a good one I think, not using it at moms at least if she’s not comfortable with it.
@traxione I don't have any insight into this word, but I am comfortable swearing in front of my kids. When my oldest started saying fuck I explained that some people are OK with it and others think it's rude so it's just a word to say at home, and not to say it at someone.
I think that forbidding any word makes it more powerful for little kids. But that being said if my white kid started saying the n word, or the f slur, I'd definitely explain how hurtful those works are. She's 6 though so that makes it a, different conversation.
I think that forbidding any word makes it more powerful for little kids. But that being said if my white kid started saying the n word, or the f slur, I'd definitely explain how hurtful those works are. She's 6 though so that makes it a, different conversation.
jesus4truth
New member
@isaac1904 That’s a tough one. I’d remind dad that she is still half white, so if she does going around dropping the N word when she’s older, other peers may not consider it slang and be offended just because she is still partially white. Just remind him that he does need to choose words wisely because little ears and eyes are watching and learning and absorbing everything like a sponge. There’s a time and place for everything, but using slang that might be offensive to others is not appropriate to teach young kids, especially when they don’t understand the words themselves. Peer groups aren’t something kids understand until they’re older. Watch Ginny and Georgia. You’ll understand what I mean about the dynamic of mixed children that want to fit in, but aren’t exactly sure how. Ginny does get into an argument with her boyfriend about how she doesn’t know where to fit in.
timothyrice
New member
@isaac1904 I think your daughter reacted so extremely because dad is using it as a term of endearment, possibly to her, but definitely to others he cares about and you saying something like “we never call anyone that” freaked her tf out. I get you’re pissed, but your daughter is half black, and I agree with another commenter about how you can’t “police her Blackness”. For now she’s obviously too young to understand the nuances of that word and everything that goes with it so sure she shouldn’t be saying it. But dang, she probably thinks daddy has been insulting her and his loved ones, and that’s gotta be rough for a three year old.
I don’t think it’s wrong to ask him to not say it around her, like any other adult word. But def bring this up to him when you’re calm.
I don’t think it’s wrong to ask him to not say it around her, like any other adult word. But def bring this up to him when you’re calm.
acrosstheocean
New member
@isaac1904 Husband is black and he doesn’t say that word. Not all black people use that word…and neither of us would be okay with it.
@isaac1904 Too young in general to be saying it, but when she's older, there will probably have to be a clear distinction of what is acceptable at mom's house vs whatever dad allows. Its's not your place to tell your adult biracial child to not use the N-word; in fact, she's probably going to struggle with her identity a lot, and be put in multiple situations where white and black people are going to be judging if she's black enough to use that word or too white--this is where it's not you're place to decide if your daughter is black enough to participate in a part of her culture's vernacular.
christianmetallover
New member
@isaac1904 White mom (me) and black dad (husband)- we never use the word and have talked to our kids about how hateful a word it is. Interestingly, husband and I have talked about using the word in art/music. I’m ok with it (in a non-hateful way) and he is not. It’s not really that I’m ok with it but I don’t think that I belong in the conversation of who can’t use the word.
believerwithallmyheart
New member
@isaac1904 I’m black from a majority black country (Caribbean) , and my fiancé is also black and from a majority black country (West African), we both use the word but I don’t want our son to say it until he’s older and understands the history AND culture of the word.
javanwarbler
New member
@isaac1904 I’m white and my son’s dad is black/biracial (only know that because of ancestry DNA). My kids are about 40% black (cringy but just trying to give a description) but white passing, especially my son who is blonde and blue eyed. He said he said it to his black friends at school (they were saying it with the a ending, not hard r) and they asked who told him he could say that. He told him his dad is black and they didn’t believe him. I explained to him why even though his dad calls him that, he might not want to say it to people who don’t know that he has a black father and some people will react VERY badly to it even though he has his dad’s “permission”. I explained some of the history of the word, slavery/segregation, even a little bit about Emmitt Till (obviously not graphically). He now seems to be hyper aware of anything that can be considered racist. So maybe I did to much but I’d rather err on the side of caution.
@isaac1904 Is it really normal for a black person to use that word?! I mean, I guess it is ok-ish, it is probably not offensive... but still! It is neither polite not appropriate, at the very least. So in the end, it is reasonable to not want your child to be exposed to it. Even if it wasn't a racist slur, I wouldn't want my child to say it, just like I don't want him to use such words as f••k or c••t!
@isaac1904 If you tell him that she’s imitating him saying the n-word and he’s cool with it, I’d ask him why. I’d be surprised if he said he was fine with it and just reiterate how much they’re sponges at this age and that having a 3 year old saying that word is really really problematic :-/
@isaac1904 I’m a black mom with Afro Latino boys. My son went through that phase because he thought it was funny and liked the reaction I would make because I would get angry. I think it’s too strong of a word for a child to use. I understand kids at a certain age discover curse words and say them but thankfully my son doesn’t say any of that anymore cuz I taught him not to say bad words. He is 5 now.