My toddler is saying the “N” word and I’m not ok

I

isaac1904

New member
I’m white and have a biracial 3 year old with my ex. She went to her dad’s house today (who is black). When she came home, she started saying “n*r” over and over again to me and my other daughter who is 9 months old. She said it about 10 times and I asked her what she said and she just smiled. So I asked her, did you just say “n*r”? And she said yes. I told her that wasn’t a kind word and that we don’t ever say that word especially to someone else. She started balling crying, and I let her know that it was ok and I know she didn’t know. My heart just broke.

Im pissed. This is a word he calls his friends and everyone when he talks. Culturally, it’s ok for him to say it bc he’s black. But I’m not ok with my daughter saying this. I don’t want her hearing this word nor do I want it in her vocabulary.

I guess my question is:
Am I stepping over the lines as a white woman not wanting my biracial child saying this and bringing it up to her father? Is it wrong for me to ask him to not say this in front of her?

(I’d really love to hear from similar family dynamics and black moms)
 
@isaac1904 I’m Black and no one in my family or friend network uses that word. If you don’t want to get mired down in the cultural complexity of “who can say it” and who can’t, just put it in the category of bad or adult words that your children can’t say and shouldn’t be used around them. If your ex understands why he shouldn’t say pssy, fck or any other bad word around her, he should also understand this. If he also curses around her then this might only be fixed by limiting her time with him.
 
@isaac1904 As a black mom with a biracial child no it’s not ok, for any child. I can’t say I’ve never said it in quoting a song or movie, but even if her father is openly saying it positively to his friends, I look at it like a curse word or potentially offensive term. Just because I may curse in front of my friends doesn’t mean I curse everywhere and I am careful to make sure my child doesn’t hear me curse or curse either. And it’s not just because a curse word is bad, it’s potentially offensive, so there’s no need to get into the she’s allowed to say it because she’s black, etc. She’s a child and it’s potentially offensive and she doesn’t know what she’s saying and could say it in a context neither of you want. So it’s ok to ask him not to use the word in front of her.
 
@isaac1904 Black mom of two white passing babies (my husband is white).

Short answer:
You’re not in the wrong at all. Please say something to him. She should not ever use the word until she understands it’s implications and how her audience greatly matters, especially since she’s biracial.

Long answer:
I don’t want my kids saying it and I do not use it around them and I don’t allow anyone else to either. From my personal experience, black people treat anyone not explicitly black as problematic for using the word.

I have mixed friends (black and white) my age that don’t use the word because they know it isn’t allowed because they are not dark enough to pass as black without question.

In other words, without me around, my kids are subject to the same animosity that other races get when they use the word. Your child’s dad should be well aware of this fact and honestly it makes me mad that he isn’t being conscious about future implications where he might not be around to vouch for her.
 
@shirin Agree! Black mom here - I don’t use it, it’s not ok. And please remind him that she is listening and repeating what he says. It may not have been on purpose, so patience and understanding go a long way here. But you are 100% right to raise the issue.
 
@shirin I'm White and my husband is Black and we have two White-passing kids but regardless of their skin tone we also teach them to never EVER say that word. My husband uses it sometimes with his friends for sure, but never around the kids and they know it's a "Bad Word".
 
@isaac1904 My daughter is half black, I’m Asian. My husband and his mom never uses that word BUT his extended family does especially the younger generations. Not that we’re around them often but we meet up for families functions or cookouts. I’ll be mortified if my daughter said that! Not only she looks mostly Asian, I don’t want her to use word she doesn’t know the implications of. So you’re not in the wrong here imo.
 
@isaac1904 I don’t have any insight to add- but wanted to say as someone who isn’t black but to whom this struggle is important and worth understanding- thank you OP and to those who posted. Very good discussion; helped me learn too.
 
@isaac1904 Kay also, I have like paranoia sometimes but like I hope he isn’t calling her that. Or referring to her as his little nr. Because she could have been crying because she didn’t know it wasn’t a kind word not to call people because perhaps she has been called it… You should definitely set some boundaries… regardless if he is calling his daughter this or not the word is inappropriate to be used unless in a historical context.
 
@isaac1904 I'm white, and my husband is black. His family uses the word regularly, but only around friends, and family. We have a 1 year old son, and pregnant with our second. We are around his family every week, so I'm sure theyre going to pick it up. I'm leaving it up to my husband to teach them about it, and when/where they can say it.
 
@isaac1904 Black mom to mixed daughter here

Whew okay so it’s not ok for your 3 year old to use it. Treat it as any other cus word. But when the child grows and gets some agency, yes you would be overstepping as a white woman to demonize her using the word. She as a person with a black father shouldn’t feel any more of a way using it than she would be using the word f*ck
 
@cyruse This right here! OP is right she is young (so shouldn’t be using potentially offensive words right now) but she definitely should not police her daughter on using the word when she’s older.
 
@isaac1904 Black mom…I say it…my two adult children say it..although my 20 yo and I have been using brotha more lately.. I don’t think a three year old should say it. However trying to police the way a grown man speaks touchy subject. The truth is she already has heard it. At some point in life some asshole may call her one. Explain it now in baby steps. At most you and dad can have a toddler talk with her. When she starts getting older..we’ll dad says it. Let him explain. Not that she won’t figure out context on her own. Are Dads family the only black people she interacts with? If not… Young friends say it to each other too so…
 
@isaac1904 My ex who is Mexican would say that word all the fucken time it annoyed the fuck out of me because I hate it and we are not freaken black. Like he and his brothers/friends would address eachother as that.

I have put my foot down and told him to quit saying that shit and he has. My kids don't see him anyways but man I fucken hate it
 
@isaac1904 I’m black my husband is mixed. We don’t consider this a bad word and use it with each other all the time; however I don’t want my girl to say it until she understands what social groups are and are not okay to use it around.
I think it’s a bit much to say you don’t want her hearing the word at all, personally. She’s not just white, and her father would be the one to teach her about black culture. If he uses that word, she will probably eventually use it, even if you forbid it now. Also she will hear it all her life from other black people. Idk it’s a tricky subject.
 
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