My toddler is saying the “N” word and I’m not ok

[isaac1904]

I’m white and have a biracial 3 year old with my ex. She went to her dad’s house today (who is black). When she came home, she started saying “n*r” over and over again to me and my other daughter who is 9 months old. She said it about 10 times and I asked her what she said and she just smiled. So I asked her, did you just say “n*r”? And she said yes. I told her that wasn’t a kind word and that we don’t ever say that word especially to someone else. She started balling crying, and I let her know that it was ok and I know she didn’t know. My heart just broke.

Im pissed. This is a word he calls his friends and everyone when he talks. Culturally, it’s ok for him to say it bc he’s black. But I’m not ok with my daughter saying this. I don’t want her hearing this word nor do I want it in her vocabulary.

I guess my question is:
Am I stepping over the lines as a white woman not wanting my biracial child saying this and bringing it up to her father? Is it wrong for me to ask him to not say this in front of her?

(I’d really love to hear from similar family dynamics and black moms)

 

[joyfullyobey]

@isaac1904 I’m Black and no one in my family or friend network uses that word. If you don’t want to get mired down in the cultural complexity of “who can say it” and who can’t, just put it in the category of bad or adult words that your children can’t say and shouldn’t be used around them. If your ex understands why he shouldn’t say pssy, fck or any other bad word around her, he should also understand this. If he also curses around her then this might only be fixed by limiting her time with him.

 

[tony717]

@isaac1904 As a black mom with a biracial child no it’s not ok, for any child. I can’t say I’ve never said it in quoting a song or movie, but even if her father is openly saying it positively to his friends, I look at it like a curse word or potentially offensive term. Just because I may curse in front of my friends doesn’t mean I curse everywhere and I am careful to make sure my child doesn’t hear me curse or curse either. And it’s not just because a curse word is bad, it’s potentially offensive, so there’s no need to get into the she’s allowed to say it because she’s black, etc. She’s a child and it’s potentially offensive and she doesn’t know what she’s saying and could say it in a context neither of you want. So it’s ok to ask him not to use the word in front of her.

 

[shirin]

@isaac1904 Black mom of two white passing babies (my husband is white).

Short answer:
You’re not in the wrong at all. Please say something to him. She should not ever use the word until she understands it’s implications and how her audience greatly matters, especially since she’s biracial.

Long answer:
I don’t want my kids saying it and I do not use it around them and I don’t allow anyone else to either. From my personal experience, black people treat anyone not explicitly black as problematic for using the word.

I have mixed friends (black and white) my age that don’t use the word because they know it isn’t allowed because they are not dark enough to pass as black without question.

In other words, without me around, my kids are subject to the same animosity that other races get when they use the word. Your child’s dad should be well aware of this fact and honestly it makes me mad that he isn’t being conscious about future implications where he might not be around to vouch for her.

 

[latvdevelopment]

@shirin Agree! Black mom here - I don’t use it, it’s not ok. And please remind him that she is listening and repeating what he says. It may not have been on purpose, so patience and understanding go a long way here. But you are 100% right to raise the issue.

 

[isaac1904]

@shirin Thank you for this. Truly.

 

[haruchan]

@shirin I'm White and my husband is Black and we have two White-passing kids but regardless of their skin tone we also teach them to never EVER say that word. My husband uses it sometimes with his friends for sure, but never around the kids and they know it's a "Bad Word".

 

[javanwarbler]

@shirin Totally agree with the last paragraph especially