My teen is an E-Girl and it’s horrible

[samf]

My daughter is almost 17. Within the last year she has changed her look dramatically and now has been dressing like an “e-girl”. To be clear, I am not trying to control how she looks. I try to not make comments. But I am so embarrassed by it. She has ruined her looks and people we knew when she was younger don’t even recognize her. She has given herself homemade tattoos on her arm/ hands and a couple of piercings.

She used to be extremely attractive, now she looks like a gothic doll. I never show anyone pictures of her anymore. Her entire high school career I was looking forward to getting her senior photos taken. Two weeks ago she decided to split dye her hair bright red and black. I don’t want to shell out hundreds of dollars for professional photos when she looks like this. I wanted to remember this time in her life as she transitions into adulthood, but honestly now I don’t want to remember her like this at all. I don’t want anyone I know to see her like this either. Whenever I see photos of how she used to be I just sit and cry.

Any advice for this struggling mom?

 

[nusue]

@samf I grew up in a devoutly religious household with a controlling and abusive father. When I was 14 I became a “punker”. Right around same time I stopped attending church. A year later I’m with mom in supermarket and step away to grab item in different aisle. As I was returning to her, I see her concluding a conversation with an unfamiliar man. Turns out he was a newer deacon at the church. He saw my bright blue, Mohawk haired self, turned to my mother and said “G*d forbid, can you imagine if that was your child?”. My mother brightly replies, I can, she’s mine & it’s great I cannot begin to express how important my mother’s acceptance at this vulnerable time in my life was, especially since she died a few years after that. Get over yourself, take the pictures and be grateful that you have a healthy, intelligent child that’s made it to adulthood.

 

[samf]

@nusue That story resonated, thank you. Your mom was a brave woman. I’m always so worried what other people think, I don’t know why.

 

[cynthiak]

@samf Because you’re human. We can hear a million good things and 1 bad thing and it’s the bad thing resonates. We look for acceptance by appearance and we do this in our children as well. As if their appearance reflects on who we are as their parents.

 

[samoduro]

@samf This is her transition to adulthood. Teenage girls don't seek their mother's approval, and they shouldn't. She's finding her own style and it will move around as she ages.

Grin and bear it and get the photos done. If you don't you're tell her you don't like the way she is now. Do you want her to feel that way?

Incidentally she'll probably grow out of this look and hopefully you can look at the photos in years to come and smile

 

[samf]

@samoduro Thank you. This actually made feel better.

 

[amivivi122]

@samf Hey, in the future you and your daughter can look at her old goth style photos and laugh about it together!

 

[iamdaniel]

@samf My oldest son missed his whole senior year of high school (and more) due to living (against his wishes) in residential drug rehab programs. He is now back home with us and is thankfully healthy. One arm is covered in tattoos (some homemade, some bought for cheap and badly done). Guess what? I treasure every day that I get to tell him “Good Morning”, and those tats don’t bother me a single bit, because they are here in my house and they are alive, and they’re on an arm that sometimes hugs me. Back up and gain some perspective to appreciate what you have.

 

[bluecloth]

@samf Think about her qualities that are not physical. Life is not all about appearances and you are sounding superficial.

You have to let go. This is hard for moms of daughters in particular. Focus on the important things, behavior and values.

 

[heliumskylark]

@samf My advice is to stop allowing yourself to be embarrassed by your own child. She’s your child, who cares what other people think?! She should be beautiful to you no matter what.

Have the photos made. You will regret not doing it later. I’m sure in 10 years, when the phase is long over, the two of you will laugh about it.

It’s just a phase, but how you respond to this will last her entire lifetime. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but this is a YOU problem and you’d better get yourself right before you lose your child over such pettiness.

 

[catrandy]

@samf You need to let this go before you completely destroy your relationship with your daughter. You don't have to like her personal style but to act so ashamed because you dislike her form of self expression is not cool. Like, only wanting to pay for senior pics if she fits your ideals of how she should look is pretty crappy. Accept her for who she is and move past this somehow.

 

[jayhiinkz]

@samf It's not about you. This is who she is....

 

[katrina2017]

@samf I am a mom to a 17 year old girl and I say... if not now, when? Other than tattoos and scarification, it is all transitory. Dyed hair? Go for it. Ridiculous make up? Knock yourself out! We all had hideous photos and cringe-worthy makeup and fashion choices. Love your kid and appreciate who she is!

 

[krys89]

@samf I feel bad for you but your number one job is to love your child for who they are. Hopefully it’s just a phase. I know I was horrible from 19-22. I hope you can find the strength to accept your daughter and find things to be proud of, maybe try to not focus on her looks but other positive things about her? Being a parent is so hard...

 

[penpoint5309]

@samf I hear you. My daughters express themselves however they want as long as they don’t do anything permanent to their body that they will regret. Most likely she will grow out of this phase and maybe be a bit embarrassed by it as she grows up.

 

[gjridley]

@samf Our children are individuals, not extensions of ourselves. The harder you push against her self-expression, the harder she will rebel.

The homemade tattoos are the only things that would worry me. Keep an eye on them for infection.

Also, did anything in particular happen before this change? Trauma? Loss? Moving?

 

[samf]

@gjridley Two years ago, she was a gorgeous blonde who was on track to get a college scholarship for women’s softball. Straight A student. She fell in with a bad group of kids. She secretly started dating a kid who was from the wrong side of the tracks. She fell in love. He started doing heroin and other hard drugs. My daughter never did drugs, but seeing him overdose and he told her it was her fault really did a number on her. I think she has PTSD from it. There were other things going on at the same time with that friend group that damaged her psychologically. She was in therapy for over a year and now refuses to go. Around this time is when she quit softball and drastically changed her appearance.

She is no longer in that friend group and she has a new boyfriend. The friend group seems much better but they all dress really weird.

 

[gjridley]

@samf I'll take dressing weird over doing heroin any day of the week.

As for therapy, it sounds like the therapist was a bad fit. I hope she's willing to give therapy another try eventually, because she's still dealing with trauma and pressure while figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to a therapist yourself to figure out some strategies to best help and support your daughter as she continues to navigate through her grief and trauma.

 

[cynthiak]

@samf Social media is is very persuasive with our youth. My youngest kids kept saying they wanted to grow up to be video game youtubers.
I wouldn’t stop taking pictures because of her hair or the way she dresses but I can understand your reservations. That’s awesome that you bite your tongue and allow her to be herself.
Has your daughter’s personality turned sour? Is she still internally your little girl?
My 13yo SD loves anime and she is an amazing artist and draws them flawlessly. They’re all 9/10 naked and unfortunately her new thing is to dress and look like them. I have tried to explain cosplay and real life.
I was bashed in a post, on Reddit, seeking advice on how to manage her bad attitudes and recent want to dress inappropriately. Bashed for trying to steer her clear of objectification and sexualization. In the end, I realized have to take a step back but continue to try and guide her down a path of self-preservation.

In the end, you’re her mom. You won’t always approve of the latest fad or trend. Love your daughter regardless of this phase. Talk to her about her future. Help her obtain aspirations that will lead her to happiness and prosperity.

When I was high school I went through my “goth” phase. I didn’t dress scandalous or have social media but I look back on pictures and smile.

Don’t stop taking pictures. You took pictures when she strutted around the house with no diaper. You took pictures when she cut her hair to the scalp. You took pictures when she dressed up for Halloween. You took pictures when she was an Indian in the thanksgiving play. You take pictures when she graduates. You take pictures of your baby regardless what she’s wearing or the color of her hair. Those are precious times she will reflect on.

I hope this helps.

 

[samf]

@cynthiak Thank you. I can’t say she acts like my sweet little girl any longer. In fact, we are often at each other’s throats. She waits until she gets me alone (like in the car) and then goes on the attack about all the things I am doing wrong. It is very hard to deal with, I don’t feel like being around her at all. Who wants to argue with someone all day? It’s exhausting.

I don’t say anything about the way she dresses because I am convinced it will encourage her to do it more just to spite me. Because it’s astounding she thinks this look is cute. She copies these girls she sees on social media. My neighbor said she saw my daughter walking down the street and at first thought it was a homeless person.