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The NICU.
I’ve kept our story pretty much off Facebook. Since it is NICU awareness month, I felt like sharing.
The one word I would describe my whole experience would be lucky.
I had preeclampsia with William, however it was pretty mild and was at full term. Throughout my pregnancy I was told that there was only a 25% chance of it happening again, my BP and everything else, was consistently okay til my 28 week appointment. My BP was 140/95, not great at all.
The next 4 weeks were not great. I spent a weekend in the hospital for a UTI that was out of control, was put on bed rest with a busy toddler who was in school and I gradually got sicker and sicker.
Then came Valentine’s Day. My feet were so horrifically swollen, my blood pressure consistently between 150/100 and 160/110. I ended up being in a bit of denial and went to the doctors office to see if I needed to go to the hospital. Of course they said yes.
My stubborn self went to Target to get stuff because I figured I’d be in the hospital for a while as I was 32 weeks the following day.
I was admitted and my BP was treated and became manageable. I was told the plan was to keep me in the hospital until I was 34 weeks or we had to deliver, whatever came first. Tearfully, I agreed to the plan, even though that meant being away from William for a pretty long time.
I should mention that our new house we are leasing, the lease starts February 20th. So my entire house is set to move, while I’m in Hospital.
So I settled in to the routine of bed rest, getting my blood pressure checked every few hours and non stress tests every 6 hours.
On February 17th, during one of the NSTs, Riley failed it. They brought in our favorite ultrasound guy and the girl he was training and they performed a biophysical profile. They explained that they have 30 minutes and in that 30 minutes they have to see certain things like limb movement, breathing, etc and each of the 5 things they see is scored and given 2 points, an 8 or 10 is passing. Riley scored a 6. That meant she would have to redo it in a few hours. At this point, I was being mentally prepped for delivery, at 10pm at night. After she failed her NST, they have me call Brandon in, even though he was at home with William for the night.
At about midnight or 1, we did the second biophysical profile. I don’t think anyone in the room was speaking. I remember the ultrasound tech taking over from the girl he was training at some point halfway through, without saying anything. The half hour ended. I asked what the score was.
He said “it was a 2”.
My heart sank.
Pretty soon our whole team was in my room and I’m getting ready for a c section at 1 am. I’m 32 weeks and 2 days. I had to hold it together. We have a NICU baby no matter what.
I went into surgery. My nurse was a nurse I will NEVER forget. She had accidentally snapped my underwear in a weird accident earlier in the week. She also volunteered to do my c section every night she was on call if I needed one. Melissa, you have a heart of gold.
My csection went. Not my first time being here, so I wasn’t super freaked out. Miss Riley came out though and there wasn’t joy in the room. Instead she went immediately to the NICU team who stood in the corner anticipating her arrival. Brandon and I saw her briefly, she was lifeless and purple. I tried to pretend I hadn’t seen her as they tied my tubes, I don’t want any more kids after this experience.
The anesthesiologist shared with the team just how much medicine he had given me and they immediately put me on magnesium. I was bed bound for 24 hours.
I was wheeled to see Riley in the NICU shortly after my surgery, before or after mag, I don’t remember. I saw her and put my finger in her isolette and she grabbed onto it. My nurse exclaimed at how wonderful it was.
To be admitted into Good Sams NICU, a baby has to be 32 weeks and 1500 grams. Riley was 32 and 3 and 1520. By the skin of our teeth, we made it into Good Sams NICU.
The next few days were rough. My BP was not cooperating. I was pumping as much as I could for her and thankfully, was able to provide for her.
Day 3 or 4 (my memory is fuzzy) I walked in to see her, walking by the urge of my amazing post partum nurse Nichole. Our NICU nurse, gosh I hope I remember this right, Jenni, said “I heard you haven’t held her yet, do you want too?”. I was alone. No phone. Nothing to remember this by. I was honestly scared out of my mind but I said yes. I held Riley. My heart absolutely soared. I felt like the grinch, not knowing my heart could grow anymore than it already had, it grew to hold my daughter in it.
No sooner had I held her did I find out she had a blockage potentially. They did an X-ray, took her off oral feeds and back on TPN for a few days.
For those who don’t know, TPN, total parenteral nutrition, is a way to feed, completely bypassing the GI tract. It is incredibly harsh on little ones veins and Riley had few veins to spare.
I kept at it. Pumping. Bed rest. Watching way too much of Real Housewives. Checking in on Riley as much as I could tolerate. Finally, 8 days after my c section, I was told the magic words, I could go home.
My heart broke a little bit leaving the hospital, knowing my daughter was still a patient. However, I was absolutely overjoyed to see my son at home. Brandon had moved the guest bed downstairs for me, so I could heal and not go upthe stairs too many times. That night and the nights to follow, William refused to sleep anywhere but tucked up with me.
Back to Riley. TPN was ruining her veins. Although she was upping her oral feeds, things were moving slowly. Should they run out of sites to place her TPN before her oral feeds were sufficient to feed her, she would need a central line. That’s not something Good Sams NICU can accommodate long term, she would have to be transferred out, to Tacoma General, if they had openings or Seattle Children’s, if Tacoma was full. For a few days, my heart was in my stomach. My daughter was 10 minutes down the road. I could handle that. Any further and I would break. I prayed furiously. Somehow, someway, we managed to get her off TPN and fully tube fed during her last IV site.
By now, I am off pain meds and feel fine, so I decided to try and drive. Brandon was still at home, so he would take William to school and I would spend my days at the NICU. Cuddling Riley, pumping and watching way too many true crime TV shows on my phone.
In this time I met with Social Workers, Speech Therapist’s, occupational therapists, physical therapists, nutritionists, doctors, nurses, technicians. I kept a notebook and have it still but am slightly too traumatized to go back and read it. It was a lot.
Brandon went back to work, so he could take a week off when Riley came home. My schedule became crazy. Take William to pre k by 9, rush to the hospital, spend from 915-1135 with Riley, pick up William at 1150, stay home and cook an early dinner, leave by 4, spend from 4-9/10 in the NICU. Soon, I had grandmas picking William up, so I wouldn’t even have to leave her in the middle of the day. Life was hard. I was up every 3 hours pumping for her as I needed to continue our breastfeeding journey, I felt as if I owed her that much. The next 2 weeks were a blur. NICU, home, sleep, repeat.
William struggled during this time. The uncertainty of who would pick him up, where was mom and what was going on, clearly took a toll on him. I firmly believe that the hardest part about all of this was how big of a toll it took on my toddler. He had no clue what was going on a and within days, he had to move homes, his mom was gone and his whole world was different, even when I came back home.
We got her to latch in the NICU, it was amazing. Our feeding plan was one of nursing and supplanting with Neosure. I was stoked.
She continued to gain weight. Slowly making it to 4 pounds. I became more confident and started taking over her cares, doing diaper changes, changing her clothes, taking her temp and moving her from her bassinet. She was mine. I was hers. It was a great feeling.
Watching her monitors was tough. Riley liked to desat and have bradycardia episodes a little too frequently. Once we got to the point where they were a little less frequently, we talked about going home. It’s almost like saying “beetle juice” three times in the NICU, you don’t talk about going home until it’s literally in your face.
We had it in our minds that she would come home on St.Patricks day, March 17th. Her last barrier was the car seat test. Could she sit in it and not have a Brady event for 90 minutes. My hopes were just a little too high. She couldn’t. So I held her and cried to myself, knowing I have it way better compared to many, many NICU moms out there. I went home and pretended to be happy with William, I gave him some green cake I made and made pesto pasta, green food, for the occasion. But I was hollow inside.
The next day, my feet swelled up. Terrified it was my blood pressure acting up, because I was on a myriad of drugs for blood pressure, I arranged for a grandma to pick up William from school and went to urgent care for myself. I called the NICU to let them know I wouldn’t be there for Riley’s care and to just bottle feed her without me. Thankfully, there was nothing clinically wrong with me and I was given a diuretic and sent on my way. I sat in my car and remember feeling like the weight of the last 5 weeks was absolutely crushing me. I finally broke down and sobbed, feeling absolutely defeated.
I pulled it together. I was in sweatpants, a T-shirt, had gross hair in a bun and a tear stained face. I went in to visit Riley. Upon arriving, our nurse, an Orestad family friend who we had went trick or treating with the Halloween prior, asked me if I wanted to take Riley home today. They decided to do a car seat test but in a car bed. She had passed it but it was in a car bed made for slightly bigger babies, we would have to re do it in a tiny car bed. Enthusiastically, I said yes.
Riley stayed in that car bed like a champ. 90 minutes later, they had the discharge papers ready for me. I got my car, pulled around and Amanda helped load Riley and her car bed into my car. It was pouring down rain. I looked like a hot mess and was alone. In my head, this moment was going to be beautiful and perfect, of course, it was real life.
I drove Miss Riley home. Home, to be greeted by her brother, who instantly loved her. Home, where she can be with me and her dad whenever she needs us. Home
We are lucky. Lucky it was only a month. Lucky we were in the hospital getting monitored that night. Lucky she didn’t have any major health problems. Lucky she is already released from her therapies. Lucky she’s a healthy, amazing girl. Lucky we had the team we had and met the people we did. It might have only been a month but it was a month that fundamentally changed me as a person and for that I am not only lucky but blessed.
I’ve kept our story pretty much off Facebook. Since it is NICU awareness month, I felt like sharing.
The one word I would describe my whole experience would be lucky.
I had preeclampsia with William, however it was pretty mild and was at full term. Throughout my pregnancy I was told that there was only a 25% chance of it happening again, my BP and everything else, was consistently okay til my 28 week appointment. My BP was 140/95, not great at all.
The next 4 weeks were not great. I spent a weekend in the hospital for a UTI that was out of control, was put on bed rest with a busy toddler who was in school and I gradually got sicker and sicker.
Then came Valentine’s Day. My feet were so horrifically swollen, my blood pressure consistently between 150/100 and 160/110. I ended up being in a bit of denial and went to the doctors office to see if I needed to go to the hospital. Of course they said yes.
My stubborn self went to Target to get stuff because I figured I’d be in the hospital for a while as I was 32 weeks the following day.
I was admitted and my BP was treated and became manageable. I was told the plan was to keep me in the hospital until I was 34 weeks or we had to deliver, whatever came first. Tearfully, I agreed to the plan, even though that meant being away from William for a pretty long time.
I should mention that our new house we are leasing, the lease starts February 20th. So my entire house is set to move, while I’m in Hospital.
So I settled in to the routine of bed rest, getting my blood pressure checked every few hours and non stress tests every 6 hours.
On February 17th, during one of the NSTs, Riley failed it. They brought in our favorite ultrasound guy and the girl he was training and they performed a biophysical profile. They explained that they have 30 minutes and in that 30 minutes they have to see certain things like limb movement, breathing, etc and each of the 5 things they see is scored and given 2 points, an 8 or 10 is passing. Riley scored a 6. That meant she would have to redo it in a few hours. At this point, I was being mentally prepped for delivery, at 10pm at night. After she failed her NST, they have me call Brandon in, even though he was at home with William for the night.
At about midnight or 1, we did the second biophysical profile. I don’t think anyone in the room was speaking. I remember the ultrasound tech taking over from the girl he was training at some point halfway through, without saying anything. The half hour ended. I asked what the score was.
He said “it was a 2”.
My heart sank.
Pretty soon our whole team was in my room and I’m getting ready for a c section at 1 am. I’m 32 weeks and 2 days. I had to hold it together. We have a NICU baby no matter what.
I went into surgery. My nurse was a nurse I will NEVER forget. She had accidentally snapped my underwear in a weird accident earlier in the week. She also volunteered to do my c section every night she was on call if I needed one. Melissa, you have a heart of gold.
My csection went. Not my first time being here, so I wasn’t super freaked out. Miss Riley came out though and there wasn’t joy in the room. Instead she went immediately to the NICU team who stood in the corner anticipating her arrival. Brandon and I saw her briefly, she was lifeless and purple. I tried to pretend I hadn’t seen her as they tied my tubes, I don’t want any more kids after this experience.
The anesthesiologist shared with the team just how much medicine he had given me and they immediately put me on magnesium. I was bed bound for 24 hours.
I was wheeled to see Riley in the NICU shortly after my surgery, before or after mag, I don’t remember. I saw her and put my finger in her isolette and she grabbed onto it. My nurse exclaimed at how wonderful it was.
To be admitted into Good Sams NICU, a baby has to be 32 weeks and 1500 grams. Riley was 32 and 3 and 1520. By the skin of our teeth, we made it into Good Sams NICU.
The next few days were rough. My BP was not cooperating. I was pumping as much as I could for her and thankfully, was able to provide for her.
Day 3 or 4 (my memory is fuzzy) I walked in to see her, walking by the urge of my amazing post partum nurse Nichole. Our NICU nurse, gosh I hope I remember this right, Jenni, said “I heard you haven’t held her yet, do you want too?”. I was alone. No phone. Nothing to remember this by. I was honestly scared out of my mind but I said yes. I held Riley. My heart absolutely soared. I felt like the grinch, not knowing my heart could grow anymore than it already had, it grew to hold my daughter in it.
No sooner had I held her did I find out she had a blockage potentially. They did an X-ray, took her off oral feeds and back on TPN for a few days.
For those who don’t know, TPN, total parenteral nutrition, is a way to feed, completely bypassing the GI tract. It is incredibly harsh on little ones veins and Riley had few veins to spare.
I kept at it. Pumping. Bed rest. Watching way too much of Real Housewives. Checking in on Riley as much as I could tolerate. Finally, 8 days after my c section, I was told the magic words, I could go home.
My heart broke a little bit leaving the hospital, knowing my daughter was still a patient. However, I was absolutely overjoyed to see my son at home. Brandon had moved the guest bed downstairs for me, so I could heal and not go upthe stairs too many times. That night and the nights to follow, William refused to sleep anywhere but tucked up with me.
Back to Riley. TPN was ruining her veins. Although she was upping her oral feeds, things were moving slowly. Should they run out of sites to place her TPN before her oral feeds were sufficient to feed her, she would need a central line. That’s not something Good Sams NICU can accommodate long term, she would have to be transferred out, to Tacoma General, if they had openings or Seattle Children’s, if Tacoma was full. For a few days, my heart was in my stomach. My daughter was 10 minutes down the road. I could handle that. Any further and I would break. I prayed furiously. Somehow, someway, we managed to get her off TPN and fully tube fed during her last IV site.
By now, I am off pain meds and feel fine, so I decided to try and drive. Brandon was still at home, so he would take William to school and I would spend my days at the NICU. Cuddling Riley, pumping and watching way too many true crime TV shows on my phone.
In this time I met with Social Workers, Speech Therapist’s, occupational therapists, physical therapists, nutritionists, doctors, nurses, technicians. I kept a notebook and have it still but am slightly too traumatized to go back and read it. It was a lot.
Brandon went back to work, so he could take a week off when Riley came home. My schedule became crazy. Take William to pre k by 9, rush to the hospital, spend from 915-1135 with Riley, pick up William at 1150, stay home and cook an early dinner, leave by 4, spend from 4-9/10 in the NICU. Soon, I had grandmas picking William up, so I wouldn’t even have to leave her in the middle of the day. Life was hard. I was up every 3 hours pumping for her as I needed to continue our breastfeeding journey, I felt as if I owed her that much. The next 2 weeks were a blur. NICU, home, sleep, repeat.
William struggled during this time. The uncertainty of who would pick him up, where was mom and what was going on, clearly took a toll on him. I firmly believe that the hardest part about all of this was how big of a toll it took on my toddler. He had no clue what was going on a and within days, he had to move homes, his mom was gone and his whole world was different, even when I came back home.
We got her to latch in the NICU, it was amazing. Our feeding plan was one of nursing and supplanting with Neosure. I was stoked.
She continued to gain weight. Slowly making it to 4 pounds. I became more confident and started taking over her cares, doing diaper changes, changing her clothes, taking her temp and moving her from her bassinet. She was mine. I was hers. It was a great feeling.
Watching her monitors was tough. Riley liked to desat and have bradycardia episodes a little too frequently. Once we got to the point where they were a little less frequently, we talked about going home. It’s almost like saying “beetle juice” three times in the NICU, you don’t talk about going home until it’s literally in your face.
We had it in our minds that she would come home on St.Patricks day, March 17th. Her last barrier was the car seat test. Could she sit in it and not have a Brady event for 90 minutes. My hopes were just a little too high. She couldn’t. So I held her and cried to myself, knowing I have it way better compared to many, many NICU moms out there. I went home and pretended to be happy with William, I gave him some green cake I made and made pesto pasta, green food, for the occasion. But I was hollow inside.
The next day, my feet swelled up. Terrified it was my blood pressure acting up, because I was on a myriad of drugs for blood pressure, I arranged for a grandma to pick up William from school and went to urgent care for myself. I called the NICU to let them know I wouldn’t be there for Riley’s care and to just bottle feed her without me. Thankfully, there was nothing clinically wrong with me and I was given a diuretic and sent on my way. I sat in my car and remember feeling like the weight of the last 5 weeks was absolutely crushing me. I finally broke down and sobbed, feeling absolutely defeated.
I pulled it together. I was in sweatpants, a T-shirt, had gross hair in a bun and a tear stained face. I went in to visit Riley. Upon arriving, our nurse, an Orestad family friend who we had went trick or treating with the Halloween prior, asked me if I wanted to take Riley home today. They decided to do a car seat test but in a car bed. She had passed it but it was in a car bed made for slightly bigger babies, we would have to re do it in a tiny car bed. Enthusiastically, I said yes.
Riley stayed in that car bed like a champ. 90 minutes later, they had the discharge papers ready for me. I got my car, pulled around and Amanda helped load Riley and her car bed into my car. It was pouring down rain. I looked like a hot mess and was alone. In my head, this moment was going to be beautiful and perfect, of course, it was real life.
I drove Miss Riley home. Home, to be greeted by her brother, who instantly loved her. Home, where she can be with me and her dad whenever she needs us. Home
We are lucky. Lucky it was only a month. Lucky we were in the hospital getting monitored that night. Lucky she didn’t have any major health problems. Lucky she is already released from her therapies. Lucky she’s a healthy, amazing girl. Lucky we had the team we had and met the people we did. It might have only been a month but it was a month that fundamentally changed me as a person and for that I am not only lucky but blessed.
