My Chinese grandmother threatened to hit my son.. and refuses to apologize

[driltech]

Hi all!
My 80-year old Chinese grandmother is visiting my family over the summer and yesterday she suddenly went from happy and playing w my 2,5 year old boy (playing cleanup of confetti) to suddenly threatening to hit him because he didn’t put the confetti in the trashcan. I immediately intervened and I could see it left my son shocked and crying.

I’ve since spoken w him about the incident and how wrong it was and he is smart enough to hopefully understand that her words were wrong and cruel in every way. Especially how everything went from fun to horror in seconds. My mom was there to witness it as well.

She has refused to apologize and has this belief that “the elder is always right” (old school Chinese parenting mentality) which is extremely difficult to be around, as my parenting style is very respectful towards him and I would never EVER threaten my child like that.. She will probably never apologize and we’ve had similar incidents where she has disrespected him in degrading language and I have placed her outside our family home for the time being to protect my boundaries. I don’t think I will want to resume contact because I’m afraid of the effect on my son and that he will be walking around eggshells if she comes near.

What would you do in this situation?

 

[heyimeugene]

@driltech At 80, she isn't going to change. Limit your LO's interactions with her and don't leave her alone with him ever.

 

[dawood]

@heyimeugene Exactly this. I don't care if it's cultural (my best friend is Chinese and this sounds exactly like something she'd tell me her grandmother did). That is a threat of physical abuse no matter how you slice it and she is a danger to your child physically and mentally. He's only 2.5

I would not ever allow her alone with him and I'd also limit her influence.

 

[stevo1k]

@dawood My parents are Southeast Asian and in their culture, they also believe hitting is okay, and sometimes they even say it is for the good of the child. But I know the psychological damage that it did to me, and I will never let anyone do that to my son. The moment you threaten or worse, inflict physical abuse on my child our relationship is done. That person is no longer welcome in my home and my life. I have conveyed this strictly to my parents. They have agreed.

 

[dawood]

@stevo1k Yes my friend always talks about how mean her grandparents and mother were to her and stated that is just how things are done from those generations.

She was left with a lot of trauma from it. So glad your parents are supportive and that you've come out of this so strong

 

[gelacy]

@dawood I’m first gen asian but my parents did not hit me ever. But my husband on the other hand did experience it. He also experienced extreme emotional abuse from his mom. There’s a lot of generation trauma here that will absolutely end with him. I have told him that his grandma and mom are never allowed to be with our daughter alone. Full stop.

 

[dlynn]

@driltech As someone who was gentle/attachment parented and had “old school” grandparents I wouldn't worry beyond just making sure she's not unsupervised with your child so you are there to step in. My parents just had conversations with me to help me understand that not all adults are right and they make mistakes too. Just like you did with your LO. It was also a lesson in empathy as my mom explained to me that my grandma had a slew of her own issues she was working through and her behaviour had nothing to do with me.

Am I close to my grandmother? Absolutely not. Do I respect her? Nope. But am I damaged by the way she treated me? Not at all! because my parents supported me and talked to me about it.

The thing is my grandma was not the last disrespectful person I encountered but my mom had modelled how to tolerate bad behaviour and not let it affect my self-confidence. I think it's actually helpful for our kids to have negative interactions with people and guide them through it.

Now all this said, its going to piss your grandma off a TON and she's probably going to be mad at you. And she's not going to apologize. So you’ll have to figure out how to be ok with that which can be super challenging when you want someone's approval and love. And at the end of the day if you need to go no-contact then that's what you should do, but I don't think your kid is going to be traumatized as long as you are there to protect & support him.

 

[sraweber369]

@dlynn Always great to read about someone who went through the same thing as a kid and how it ended up affecting them!

 

[boxofficerevolutionary]

@dlynn Can I ask what your inner dialogue is like?! Is it kind? Mine is awful and I’m hoping my son has a kinder mind than me.

 

[dlynn]

@boxofficerevolutionary Towards other people or myself?

To other people I just assume they have something else going on and it’s not about me. I generally assume the best in people.

 

[boxofficerevolutionary]

@dlynn I guess both! What about towards yourself?

 

[dlynn]

@boxofficerevolutionary Usually pretty positive but I sometimes talk down to myself when it comes to my abilities at work etc. but in daily life I like myself and think I am deserving of love and kindness.

 

[netwaxer]

@dlynn Came here to mention something similar but you worded it so nicely! We cannot remove all not so great people from our kids lives, so it's good to give them mental tools to deal with it (even as simple as saying "grandma was mean because she thinks this is how one should treat children, I disagree and I will not let her hurt you" - provide context to understand other person, and reassure they are safe).

 

[lemarna]

@driltech I’d keep my kids at a distance from her. Wouldn’t allow them to interact, at the very least not unsupervised

 

[tribmartyr]

@driltech Where are your parents in this? Can they have a conversation with her about how parenting has changed and it is not acceptable to hit or threaten to hit? She might take it better from them than you.

That's so hard... you need to set a boundary that hitting/screaming is not okay. Becky good Inside did an episode a while back that touched on this and kids are better at differentiating approaches and realizing what isn't okay.

 

[lourocha]

@driltech Congrats grandma. Last time you see your grandchild

 

[popsey37]

@lourocha Right? How meaningful it is to hold fast to these customs of the elder always being right when it ends up being the end to a relationship and rightfully so.

 

[gwbhanna]

@driltech I'm sorry OP. Old school chinese elders can suck and they're pretty set in their ways and double down when called out.

If your grandma doesn't do that in public due to face, I'd move all baby / grandmas interactions to public locations moving forward. Otherwise heavily monitor all future interactions and they don't get to be alone without a trusted adult close by anymore.

 

[spreadtruth]

@driltech I don’t have a Chinese grandmother, but my MIL has a history of behaving inappropriately around my kids, she’s emotionally manipulative.

If it were up to just me, I’d cut contact. I’ve tried doing only supervised contact and it’s exhausting and doesn’t really work … but my husband won’t support cutting contact. I just limit as much as I can, and I make sure I’m supervising any visits, and no one else.

 

[kyleeak]

@driltech She’s 80 years old. She’s probably not going to do much of anything differently especially with that attitude.

Just supervise and limit interactions