I posted in the daily grad chat while back whether anyone was interested in "the biggest things that were helpful to me during my 4+ year wait and what I'm really glad I did before having a kid." This is that post! (Mods, hope this is okay!)
CW: I am a sub grad and a mom to an almost 5 month old.
So here we go!
CW: I am a sub grad and a mom to an almost 5 month old.
So here we go!
- HANDS DOWN my number 1: I'm glad I really, REALLY considered who I was having kids with. If your partner does not genuinely take on their equal share of household duties, actively make your life easier, support you emotionally, stand by your side through their own stress and yours, solve conflicts in a healthy manner — they are certainly not going to start during one of the most stressful transitions of life. I actually do not know what I would've done without my husband throughout pregnancy, childbirth, and now into parenting. Obviously, there are also single parents and that its own journey that I don't have experience with, but if you're planning on coparenting or having kids with a partner, this is the single most important decision of your life.
- I'm so glad I spent my WTT period building mental resilience and patience. So much of parenthood is out of your control. You cannot control when you get pregnant, the health of the pregnancy, how sick you'll be, how your birth goes, whether your baby eats or sleeps how you want, the personality of your kid, etc. There are things you can do to influence, but control? Absolutely not. Practice non-attachment and gratitude. Work through your negative thoughts. Learn to let things go. Accept that the journey will take you where it will. You can and will do tough things! (I can go into more detail on what this looked like for me, but this post is already long).
- I'm also glad that we lived a lot of life before TTC despite being "younger". We took trips, had a wedding, purchased a home, went to music festivals, slept in, ate out, stayed at bars too late with our friends, saw family, and generally did things that we knew would be put on pause for a few years. I'm so glad that we did because restaurants and trips are still possible but basically everything else isn't and I'm too tired to do any of it anyways lol. One glass of wine makes me feel sick now! Super fun! Also, kids are, in fact, expensive, and I'm really glad personally that I waited until my career and my partners supported the kind of life that I wanted my children to have. (This isn't going to apply for everyone but I'm also glad that I was intent on keeping my career and setting an example of that for my child plus working hard to not lose myself in becoming a parent).
- I'm glad I prepared logistically for a first month pregnancy and prepared emotionally for it to take longer. I was really glad that I didn't let my negative tests get me down. I repeated "our family will grow when its time" many, many times. I told myself I'd let myself be upset after 6 months of TTC (it took 3). Yes, people deal with infertility but the anxiety steals the joy of today and the odds are in your favor: 90% of couples will be pregnant within a year. This is without planning, with any special supplements, without changing their lives drastically.
- I'm glad I researched to the point that I generally understood what's "normal". I believe it helped my expectations massively. Rapid fire examples: it's rare to get good sleep during the third trimester. without intervention, first time mom (FTM) will give birth an average of 41 weeks +1 day (41+1). It's normal for babies to cry every night before bed. Colic is defined as 3 hours or more of crying a day for 2-3 weeks. The average induction of a FTM is 36 hours. Babies wake up every 2 hours and it's normal for that to last months. Even something like the fact that stillbirth is exceedingly rare, but reduced movement after 29 weeks warrants attention. Any of the following is super normal: to not bond immediately with baby like me. To fall in love at first sight like my husband did. To have an easy time breastfeeding or have a super rough time. To have the newborn bubble of bliss or to cry every night at 7 pm for weeks during the baby blues (me lol).
- Other random soap box ramblings: there's a subreddit for everything; join your month bump group while you have a positive test. The sleep deprivation is absolutely brutal; you survive because you have no other choice. The average person probably doesn't need to read Sperm Meets Egg or make huge lifestyle changes in order to get pregnant or have a healthy pregnancy; this obviously doesn't apply for any sort of substance dependency or ongoing serious mental health struggle that negatively affects your life.
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), this is super helpful!! this mix of reassurance, tangible tips, and realistic optimism is exactly what i need right now!