My 8 year old is a totally different kid when I'm not around and I'm worried

[childofthecross]

So my son (8) went to Florida with my mom and brother (10). My brother is kind of wild, has no social cues, and says stupid and inappropriate stuff. But my mom was with them and I didn't want my son to miss this.
Overall it was great but they fought a lot. My son called and said 1. My brother pushed him in the bushes 2. Grabbed and stomped his rock candy 3. Threatened to drown him in the pool and 4. Was just plain nasty. I tell my mom she takes care of it.

Well...I just found out that MY child pushed my brother in the bushes, said the N word several times including telling a joke, and joked about jerking off (I didn't think he knew what that was). I've never seen or heard him like this, not my mother, Noone. This sounds like an entirely different child. But my mom has no reasons to lie and apparently wasn't even going to tell me.
I feel so damned sick that my child would speak in such a way. He knows the N word , what it means, and why it's a very bad thing to say. We have had in depth conversations about racism and honoring his own heritage (Congolese, Pakistani, and German). Yea he's a sassy dude, but he's always been such a good, loving, respectful boy. I just feel sick. Even more so when he repeatedly denied it.
He doesn't even talk like this around his neighborhood friends. Idk part of me just doesn't believe it, I can't tell if he's genuine or lying.

I really need help, I have no idea how to approach this.

 

[fredbelieves]

@childofthecross How does your mom know what happened?

 

[huskysizeguy99]

@fredbelieves This is the question. The mom didn't know her kid was being violence and threatening death, but definitely knows her grandson said awful things? Fishy.

Either way, they cannot be trusted with son.

 

[childofthecross]

@huskysizeguy99 Yea....my mom has never been what I deem to be involved in parenting. Both my younger brothers never get the discipline they need. She's always the "what? He said that? :0" but then does not actually deal out consequences. In contrast, my husband and I are a very strict but loving military family. So...idk. I just can't believe this

 

[carebear47]

@childofthecross Then don’t believe this. But even if you do believe it, my guess is that it’s one of two things: (1) your son was reacting to (and adopting) the unruly behavior of your brother or (2) your son, (away from mom and friends) was trying on a new personality. This happens. It’s part of a kid hopefully finding himself.

 

[percyk]

@carebear47 NO! racist language isn't something children just "try" on as a personality. It should be taken very seriously and not ignored because our #1 job as parents is creating good people.

Especially in an internet culture where children are radicalized online. Pay attention to his friends and social media. This is a teachable moment for him to learn his own cultural heritage as well.

 

[carebear47]

@percyk Ok. That’s a fair point. The racist language and all the behavior needs to be addressed. I’m just pointing out it’s origin. He could be trying out a new personality when he’s away from mom. But it’s not one that should be encouraged and it MUST be addressed so he learns the right lesson, which is that being a racist a-hole is not a personality that will bring him positive things.

 

[lsmith25]

@childofthecross Yeah and it's unlikely either child would have been behaving like this with the mom around. Not the pushing anyway, as they know they would immediately be in trouble. Maybe see if either boy has scratches from the bushes apparently pushed into.

 

[childofthecross]

@fredbelieves She was there. She was the one who had to talk with him about it. I guess she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want him to get in trouble because Nana is a Nana? Idfk.

 

[katrina2017]

@childofthecross Any chance your brother was baiting him into saying stuff?

If this is wildly out of character for your child then something else was going on.

 

[fredbelieves]

@childofthecross Damn. I think counseling is in order for your little guy.

 

[lsmith25]

@fredbelieves Yeah I mean did she actually witness this or is she taking the word of her son? If OP addressed this on the phone with mom and she didn't immediately say anything about it, I'd say she's just taking her son's side, believing him. Which is what OP should be doing, believing his son unless has been given any previous indication that he's lying. I doubt he is a master manipulator at age 8. Possible, but very unlikely.

 

[budzybudz]

@childofthecross Confront your son in front of your mom and brother and see their reaction

 

[abelievingman]

@budzybudz This is the way.

 

[nicole_m]

@childofthecross Honestly all it takes is a little bit of time with the wrong kids. It happened to me when I was a kid. My mom put me in a summer program in a public school. Before that I'd gone to Catholic school -- the old school kind.

After one week at that program I knew every swear word in the book and my mom was absolutely sick to her stomach over it. I think I was around your son's age.

Best to have a conversation confirming the behavior and trying to figure out where he learned this stuff, because whoever and wherever he learned it you probably want to avoid those situations.

 

[childofthecross]

@nicole_m Definitely agree. The prime suspects are my younger brother and possibly his friend who lives in our old neighborhood (we moved but they still have play dates). But honestly, this is the crap my brother says and jokes about so im betting he's the culprit.

But what perplexes me, when a friend says something unkind, inappropriate, or bad I've always heard him speak up and say so. Not around me, but I hear everything. I've even heard him say "[my brother] I'm not allowed to do that, it's not safe." "I'm not comfortable with you saying that, it's not appropriate." So...idk it doesn't make sense

But yea, first summer camp at 9 years old and I knew all about sex, drugs, and booze. Led me down a really dark path before I was able to pull myself out, no help from my mom, around 21.

 

[okychris]

@childofthecross To me, this screamed youtube or some other form of low grade internet, right off the bat.

How much access to electronics does he have? How much did he have on the trip?

Number one thing I would do is pull up his browser history and cut all internet-based electronic access immediately.

The jerking off comment could just be randomly using language he doesn't fully understand or it could be a scary red flag.

 

[childofthecross]

@okychris He has a phone, locked down like fort Knox lol he has access to YouTube kids and games but not much else. But I know my brother has tik tok, snap chat, regular YouTube, plays GTA (HUGE no in our house) etc.

I'm an abuse victim so we have admittedly been pretty conservative. But we are open about our bodies and what they do. He's always told me when someone hurt him so I hope he would do the same if he has been hurt like I was.

 

[okychris]

@childofthecross Sounds like he just was on electronics a lot with your brother this week and saw a bunch of stupid videos and content and is processing that and reacting to it.

I wonder if you could have a "no internet capable electronics" rule for when brother and your son hang out to help avoid even worse content as your brother ages.

RE abuse, if he continues to hang with brother while brother has unfettered access to the internet, that is a problem waiting to get even bigger.

Even just viewing pornography accidently or sexually suggestive content ostensibly on another subject can can be very harmful and confusing. He might not be compelled to bring it up to you because he might not even grasp what it is he saw. Also tough dynamics for him to navigate: I'm sure he had a blast on vacation and enjoys hanging out with brother, etc. I think it would be wonderful if you could solve this problem for your son proactively by creating and enforcing the no internet-electronics rule.

((Just a quick aside, youtube kids can be pretty trash for content and the algorithm it uses tends to push very addictive, non-healthy vids on kids. The algorithm basically rewards creation of the most addictive content: stuff that mimics slot machines in the pace of the "dopamine hits" it gives users. ))

 

[joshua0019]

@childofthecross I would trust your son more than the report of your mom backing up someone you know has been inappropriate all his life, ie your brother.