My 4 y/o sister scares me

jorb2

New member
PLEASE read the whole post, or see TLDR.

I'm 18, but my sister is 4, nearly 5 in a few days. She is extremely intelligent, and so, so gifted: she can read, write some, identify every letter, number, shape, animal-- even things I don't even know. She'll talk about science concepts that no kid even hears a sliver about until third grade. She's always been ahead like this. When she's calm and herself, too, she is sweet and curious, but as of the past year, she's rarely herself.

She loves to watch cartoons, and always has, but as of the past year, she's started attaching herself to fictional characters, or just animals. For example, she'll call herself (like she is right now) 'the cat' and when asked something, will say 'the cat doesn't like this'. She'll understand when I call her by her name, but doesn't attach herself completely to it at all.

What worries me is when she gets violent. She's honestly been prone to violence since she was a toddler, and has broken so, so much. She broke our tv, two phones, a tablet, glass, you name it. (No, these weren't given to her willingly, unless she was using someone's phone to watch something.) She started hitting, kicking, scratching, and throwing things about a year ago, too, and when she's angry, she will not listen. She's had so many screaming fits, ones where she's thrown her voice out completely. She'll writhe in my mom's grip when she tries to hold her down to stop her from hurting herself or someone else. She also doesn't sleep-- she's up until 3-4 am many nights, and wakes up late.

When she gets violent, scared, or sad, she often will revert to other characters. She'll pretend to be Donald Duck, saying 'You made Donald sad', or hiss and scratch when she's angry. When she's extremely angry or crying, she'll do it in character. For example, she'll meow while she cries, screaming in meows and hissing.

She constantly is making messes, like getting into food and spilling it, taking things we're working on, and generally not listening to what we say is wrong.

We've all tried to make a barrier between pretend and play: we will say calmly, "We are not pretending to be (character) right now, we are doing something else. We will play later." -and other alike things, to try and tell her that pretending nonstop is not good. Having an imagination is amazing, but being completely caught up, aloof, and violent is not right. This usually makes her mad, and she insists she is not pretending, adamantly saying, "No, /I am/ (character)!"

Whenever I've tried to point out that this behavior is wrong, that she needs to see someone, my parents get angry at me. I feel like they know. I know that I'm not her mom, but seeing her throw things at me, scratch my mom till she bleeds, scream until the neighbors call the cops-- I can't do it. I really can't do it. I'll admit that I've made suggestions to my parents before, saying, "That's not right, she shouldn't be watching cartoons that much." Or I've given tips to calm her down, maybe approach things differently. (I'm in my second year of being a student assistant preschool/head start teacher through my career program, so we've had to practice such tips with kids with trauma.) This only makes them more angry, as I'm their kid-- I'm not her mother. I get that that would make anyone mad, and that it really doesn't matter what I think, but I just don't agree with some things.

I know that it might seem like I'm over-dramatizing some things, but I really am trying my best to convey what happens in the most straightforward way that I can. There are truly times when my sister is herself; she'll be kind, want to do activities with me, and listen to what we tell her. She'll be obedient sometimes. I also know that my parents are just as confused as I am, and that they're trying their best-- I just wish I could communicate with them better.

I've cried so, so much over her. I love her with my entire heart, as I've helped raise her, and it breaks my heart to see her lash out so violently, lose touch with who she is, and seemingly just not learn or care to listen. I use to try hard to combat it, but by now, I barely try any more. My parents insist that I worry about it too much, that it's none of my business, but I'm sick over this. I just can't take it. It makes me so tired, sad, and scared some days.

Has any parent/relative experienced extreme behavior like this from thier child? Could you maybe give me some advice? (I'm sorry for any grammatical errors.)

TLDR: My 4 y/o sister is constantly pretending to be a character, and also has extreme emotional tendencies, like violent anger. My parents still have not pursued getting her professional help, and I don't agree with their methods. I need advice, and want to see if any parents have children who act this way.
 
@jorb2 TV and food is not going to cause behaviour this extreme. She needs to see a professional. I would expect that this will come up when she starts school, so it shouldn't be too long, but it would be better to get her seen sooner. Perhaps the neighbours calling the cops will force it in the meantime.

Unfortunately your parents are kind of right, it's their decision. But I think my advice to you would be not to tell them how to parent but to let them know that it distresses and worries you to see her like this, and go at it from a different angle - perhaps that from your studies, it doesn't come under the heading of normal childhood behaviour. Possibly also you may be able to allay their fears/reluctance to get her seen by a doctor - with such a large age gap perhaps they are fairly "old school" parents and still consider a child psychologist or similar to be something to be ashamed of or a failing? The modern view is that early intervention is of great benefit to the child, and that intervention should not be a last resort signalling that you can't cope. It's simply a co-operative thing to support and help parents deal with and understand challenging behaviour.
 
@jorb2 Sometimes you just have to be harsh with someone amd tell them the truth and I think this is one of those situations. Ask your parents what they think will come of your sister if she doesn't get help and get boundaries and give them some fitting examples of what could happen. Your sister should get assessed by a psychologist and in the meantime her homelife should get changed around too. Screentime before bed is bad because it makes you more awake and your sleep worse, having a routine throughout the day and especially at bedtime is super important for kids her age, aswell as strict boundaries, natural consequences and positive reinforcement. Try and talk to your parents so they can see that you're scared for your sister's future and not just unhapoy with their parenting choices.
 
@jorb2 I agree with most of the comments, she probably needs to see a professional. One time my daughter acted out at her doctors appt and the doctor asked me if she was always this way, and suggested if she was that she would recommend a specialist for her behavior, I thought "no my daughter doesnt need to see a specialist"(thankfully my daughter got over that phase of acting out) but of course parents are denial when it comes to their child.. its hard for some to accept something is wrong.

If she has a doctors check up coming up maybe tag along so you can voice her behavior to the doctor, maybe your parents need to hear it from a professional or someone else.

I hope it all works out for you and your sister!

I just wanted to add, your sister sounds like such a smart girl! Very gifted!
 
@jorb2 This sounds so challenging. I’m sorry you’re going through it. It also sucks that your parents seem to be so obstinate about dealing with your sisters behavior. You mentioned something about a discrepancy regarding her screen time- is she watching a lot of cartoons or YouTube? Are your parents underestimating how much media she consumes or how much it affects her? Also- do your parents seem distressed by her outbursts, or just you? What do other friends/family/teachers think?
 
@seejer Thank you so much for responding! 💜 They definitely are distressed too, and have undoubtedly worried about it more than I have-- they just deal with it in a different way. My dad is on 2nd shift, so the only time he gets to spend with my mom is when it's late. That's probably when my sister watches the most stuff, in order for them to have any free time. I feel like that would affect a lot if it were changed. My friends, fam, and teachers honestly don't know the full story, as I'm embarrassed of how me or my family will look, but the adults I have told have said to look into talking to a doctor. My parents have even considered it, but like I said, my dad is working and gone all of the time.
 
@jorb2 Ok. Couple of follow up questions:

Your dad works 2nd shift, so he’s home at, what, midnight? 1:00am? He and your mom hang out then. That’s when kid sis has most of her screen time. Wait- what? Why is a 4 y/o up this late?

Does your mom work? Is mom forcing kid sis to be on this wacky sleep schedule because mom wants to stay up late and wake up late? I can understand her wanting to spend time with her husband, but why isn’t sister being put to bed at a reasonable hour?

You say that friends and fam don’t know the full story. Do they not see sister’s violent tantrums? This is important, because it can indicate different root issues if her behavior problems exist across settings (home, school, at relatives houses, etc) or only happen at home.
 
@seejer That's my reasoning, too, but they back up their side by saying that my sister is in her room with the lights out and something quietly playing, expecting her to hopefully go to sleep. They check on her and come spend time with her when need be. That's not how it really works, though. It might've worked for me, but not for my sister.

As for others seeing it, they definitely have, and that's one reason why they don't come to my house very often. I'd have them over more (my friends) but my sister would be coming in a lot, or what if she threw a tantrum while they were there and my mom got embarrassed? It's happened before, and it just kind of causes me anxiety, so I usually go to their houses instead. But yeah, it happens outside of our house too.
 
@jorb2 Well my knee-jerk reaction is that maybe they need to be embarrassed to prompt them to do something to help your sister. I know that’s not very kind, but if your sisters behavior is as problematic as you make it sound, they’re doing her no favors by being in denial about it.

I’m guessing your parents are older? Was little sis a planned child? Could it be that they’re both just ‘over’ the exhausting job of parenting? Maybe they figured she’d be an ‘easy’ child like you were and are really struggling to acknowledge that she has greater behavioral needs.

In any case, you already know there’s not much you can do about it. That sucks, I know. If they don’t want to get her help, you can’t make them. If they want to isolate y’alls family to avoid embarrassment at her tantrums, they can do that. Since you care about her, just keep being a loving and supportive big sis. I’m sure it’s tough at times, but she will be better for it now and later in life.
 
@seejer Your guess would be right, as they had her when my mom was nearly 40, so I understand how exhausted they are. My dad is older, and still working legit aLL the time, so that combined with her is just... You get it. But I try to do what I can to help.

Thanks so much for listening, genuinely. I know it's really seeming like my reaction should be common sense, because really, it should be, but I more so just needed to-- tell somebody. It made me feel a lot better to know I shouldn't feel guilty or something. (':

I'll do that! 💖
 
@jorb2 Dang, friend. Tough situation all around. You’re doing your best, that’s evident from your concern in this post. I hope you aren’t so burdened with guilt moving forward. Be sure you are taking good care of yourself too!
 
@jorb2 I’m not a professional, and perhaps this situation may require one. However Something to check out is to see if she is allergic to food dyes, especially Red 40. I have a friend whose son is reacts violently when he ingests it. If I’m not mistaken a lot of food dyes have been banned in Europe because of people having bad reactions including behavior problems. For whatever reason they are not banned in the US.
 
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