My 17yo's been a keyboard warrior - using MY name...! - advice wanted

[dean01]

Hi - I've never posted here before, I hope this is the right place for this post? But if anyone knows of a more appropriate one, just let me know?

Title says it all, really - this came at me very much out of left field, and I'm just not sure how to react here.

My 17-y-o DS has just confessed to me that he's been making comments and judgements (and getting into the occasional argument) on YouTube vids - but under my name! Because he was using my desktop (which I let him from time to time) and at first when he posted a comment, it said "Comment as [my name]" and he just left it as that "because it was easier" - that was 5 years ago and he went on doing it till last year(!) - when he grew up a bit (all at once, like teenage boys sometimes do) became uneasy about it and stopped. And finally just now confessed..!

Background is my DS is a shy, introverted kid, with a serious health disability, and many anxieties arising from that (and a degree of neurodivergence). On balance I would say mainly a good kid - kind (e.g. to other kids in the support group for his condition), helpful at home, works hard at school - where he's been badly bullied, and some anger issues there and very defensive around "real" people. So goes out very little, particularly since Pandemic, has online friendship groups rather than hanging out; mainly interested in films, animation videos, YouTube (actually going on to study film), this area is his thing.

He says this commenting and arguing as "me" is all on YouTube, mainly on nerd fan sites for Marvel, Star Wars etc. and it seems to be all at the level of commenting on characters / actors / plot - the "angry" stuff wasn't getting personal with other commentators, more about "Total rubbish they did THIS in The Rise of Skywalker!!" etc. But he's now got worried about people responding back to "me"...! (Btw my name is very common, won't immediately identify me-the-individual - think Jane Jones - and not even the name I use on social media. But is still actually my name.) So he gradually got more worried and fessed up - and props for that, I guess.

So I've left him wading through "my" comment history and deleting them - and y'all, there are hundreds!! - while I come on here to consult about how to play this...

I literally don't know how to react, how heavy to get about this. I'm uneasy about it, obvs, and not happy at all that this was on my work desktop (I WFH) - I have good anti-virus and firewall (yes and parental controls - nope, no p--n), I'm VERY protective of it generally. But I'm not angry, as such (...should I be??), more confused really. It feels like, it's not great that he did it but he confessed (or I wouldn't even have known!); it was in the past and nothing too bad has come from it (- that I know of?!), and he's trying to sort it out.

So, first-off, are there possible consequences I'm not seeing? And what level of response IS appropriate to this - suggestions for penalties?? Or leave it at "I'm disappointed in you, that's not cool - but thanks for owning up - don't do it again!!!"

Thoughts...?

 

[samoduro]

@dean01 I'd be pretty proud of my kid. He did something a bit silly when he was young (doesn't sound like he was posting anything to worry about) He confessed because he was worried about you getting in trouble about it, he's now deleting the comments.

If it was my child, I'd thank them for telling me. Point out that they have matured from the little kid that was posting on their mum's YouTube. And probably leave it at that.

I don't see anything requiring punishment (other than the natural consequence of having to fess up and cringe at all the posts he now has to read and delete)

 

[dean01]

@samoduro OK - thanks, that makes me feel better. I did thank him telling me, and said I needed to think about it. I also got him to tell his (19yo) sister - a punishment in itself! - who made all the "whoah! NOT cool!" comments and then sagely advised leaving it be, if he swore to never do it again...

 

[samoduro]

@dean01 Haha. Sometimes natural consequences are enough. He sounds like a good kid. His embarrassment is punishment enough, especially if his big sis is giving him a gentle ribbing. He was only 12 when he started posted as you, he sounds like he's grown up lovely

Also, by not over-reacting you're showing him that he can come to you when he's scared of getting into trouble. At 17 and 19 your kids seem open and honest so I'm guessing you've been like this all along. Well done Mama

 

[dean01]

@samoduro Yup, second this. Your u/ name is clearly appropriate!

 

[philjo]

@dean01 In terms of consequences for the online actions I doubt it. The last comment was a long time ago and there's been no action taken against you.

In terms of consequences for your DS it sounds like they already grew from the experience. I would highlight that what they did was wrong, but it's human to make mistakes and you're very proud that they grew from the experience and were open and honest about it. Then follow up with something about keeping the lines of communication between you open. Something like "you're always welcome to tell me anything and we can figure out a solution together..."

Good luck, it sounds like you're doing great already.

 

[dean01]

@philjo Aw thanks! We try - and I do mostly trust him, which is why this felt so weird. I had a bit of a paranoid half-hour thinking "gawd, anything else I never knew about??" I don't want to be Parent Police - but I did also worry about being naïve for a moment there..!

 

[natmeister79]

@dean01 I wouldn't punish this, he confessed and is correcting it by deleting the comments. I actually would praise him for confessing and reiterate that he will always be able to come to you even if he does something wrong.

 

[dean01]

@natmeister79 OK thanks - agreed. I'm so glad this seems to be the consensus, it fits what I'd like to do! I just got a bit of a shock there and was doubting myself somewhat..! Thank you.

 

[tours]

@dean01 I agree with the others that no punishment is called for but I would take the time to point out people who’ve landed themselves in hot water due to such things and just make sure he really understands potential consequences of that kind of digital footprint.

 

[dean01]

@tours Yes, good point! I will, thanks.

 

[jiminz]

@dean01 I wish my teen would own up to stuff or stop doing it lol! So to me that sounds like he is on the right path. No harm came of it, it seems, and he learned from it and is now cleaning it up. Sounds like the most hoped-for outcome to mistakes.

 

[laurapalooza]

@dean01 You can change the display name on the account. It will be updated on all of the comments.

 

[dean01]

@laurapalooza Oh OK - if any left, I'll tell him to do this. Thanks.

 

[damarisbelieves]

@dean01 I don’t think I’d punish that. Just make him delete the comments. When they’re 16,17,18 in my state they are age of consent and can emancipate easily. So you really don’t have that control factor anymore. Instead you have to transition to working with them.

 

[wandering_mike]

@dean01 Not too big of a deal. Thank him for telling you. 17 is pretty old to be using your Mom's YouTube channel. Just have him create his own channel. Having his own channel is not too much different back when he was using yours.

 

[dean01]

@wandering_mike He already has his own channel! And I don't have one. It was just arguing on others' channels in the Comments section - because he was on my computer, it defaulted to my name, I guess, and he didn't correct it. Thanks for the advice.

 

[wandering_mike]

@dean01 Oh ok, he probably knows how to change the channel name. If you don't, I could write some instructions on how to do that.

 

[dean01]

@wandering_mike I think he does now, anyway... If not, I may get back to you on that!

 

[wandering_mike]

@dean01 Glad to hear that he does now. Glad you guys could get that behind you.