My 15 y/o son is going to be the death of me 34 F

[monae]

My son has started to go beyond the normal 15 year old shenanigans. He has been sneaking out, sneaking girls in his room (while I am asleep), smoking week and doing other drugs.

He was kicked out of school in 8th grade for 180 days with 4 days left in the year. Had to spend 9 weeks in alternative school because he ended up being released early on good behavior in hindsight I think it was a mistake letting him back to normal school sooner than his original punishment; however, I thought well maybe this was a lesson needed and will help him make better choices going forward.

Unfortunately, things just continue to get worse. He failed freshman year and had to take summer school. Shortly before we managed to get him on an IEP which will start this school year. I am hoping that helps with grades.

The one good thing is he plays lacrosse and loves it.

But outside of that as I said he is sneaking out, bringing girls in the house when I am asleep, smoking weed, I think he is selling (almost certain) and most recently stole a cc from my dad and used it and this is not the first time he has stolen. I know he has stolen from me on several occasions.

I am at a breaking point. Calling the police has done nothing, getting kicked out of school nothing, grounding does nothing. NOTHING WORKS.
Yes he sees a therapist.
I work so hard for my son to have a good life and want to see him do well as every parent does but I’m at my breaking point.

Has anyone ever sent their child to a rehab/boarding school and had any luck or is that a cop out on my part. Will he resent me for ever.

Are there other options… any advice welcome.

Sincerely,

One worried mom

 

[me4u]

@monae I was going to ask if he’s been diagnosed with adhd but then saw your previous response that he has been. Impulsivity and pushing authority to its limits are hallmarks. I agree with not taking away the thing he loves and is consistent with (lacrosse) even though it feels like the one obvious choice for a punishment that he’d care about. But it is the one thing he’s committed to and is also good for him in so many ways…so why remove it? What does it serve? Would it make him suddenly realize he should get his shit together and do a 180? Probably not.

I agree that parent coaching (therapy for you focusing on parenting skills) with a practitioner who’s tuned into adhd in adolescence and can give you concrete tools to implement would be helpful.

People with adhd often live in the moment and don’t think about consequence (until the last minute which is when post-procrastination anxiety can set in) especially during the teenage years. He doesn’t realize it now but if you (with support from an excellent therapist) can help him manage his impulsivity by creating more structure (along with consequences when needed and praise when he does what’s asked of him) he’ll be in a much better place when he graduates in a few years — when he’s out in the real world and he discovers the meaning of fuck around and find out.

 

[monae]

@me4u It absolutely will not. I know him well enough it will do the exact opposite. Well if I don’t have lacrosse then F everything.

I really appreciate this comment.

I am well aware of the implications of adhd/add as I myself am add. I have been impulsive my whole life but still made straight As and have always been self motivated. He just lacks that.

I will absolutely follow through with this. I love him so much and absolutely want the best for him.

How do you find these people that are specialized in this area. I did find out in the last few hours through a conversation my insurance will provide a behavioral case a manager and maybe that’s the ticket to finding the necessary people to help us both.

 

[katrina2017]

@monae This will take some creativity, but find every opportunity to let him know when he is doing things right. As you probably know, people with adhd are so used to hearing about all the ways they eff things up that it is so easy for them to think, "why try?" Find incentives for him, rewards that his brain needs. This is really the root of so much that is going on. You can find specialists by starting with accredited schools that teach therapists in your area. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

 

[monae]

@katrina2017 This is such a good comment and thank you! I know we as human or me personally struggle to vocalize when someone is doing well especially when there is so much bad. I try but i know it gets masked by all the things going bad. I definitely can see this and understand how he might feel the “why try”.

Thanks for this! I will definitely keep this in mind and use it.

 

[katrina2017]

@monae You are most welcome. My husband, my 19 y.o., their cousin, their aunts, their grandparents etc....all have adhd.

One thing that has helped my 19 y.o. has been having things to look forward to daily not just "in the future if I do well." My husband and his sister do lists of things they need to do, but always put a good thing, a reward, something that just feels good in there. (Everyone should do this imo.) So helpful to feeding that part of the brain and emotions that need the constant stimulation. If the good kind doesn't happen often enough sometimes the not so good kind will do, because that's the brain cravings.

 

[monae]

@katrina2017 Oh man. Idk why I don’t do this. Maybe it’s bc I’m add myself so it makes for double disaster but I absolutely resonate with the need for lists and instant gratification. Tiny little rewards that will be a little happy after doing something that might take some mental effort that can be a little difficult.

I will talk to him and see what those rewards/motivators might look like for him.

 

[katrina2017]

@monae You got this.

 

[me4u]

@monae I also have adhd and a complex 15 yo so I get your frustrations. It’s so hard. If you also have issues with impulsivity, perhaps that can help you to see why your son makes some of the poor choices he does? It sounds like you were able to mask your adhd symptoms in childhood (and maybe even now) by having other natural skills that have allowed you to thrive but not everyone can do that. Your son is very fortunate to have a parent who wants to do better and help him do better. He might not realize it now but eventually he will. Try to hang in there!

In regards to the parent coaching therapy, I was lucky enough to get a phenomenal referral from my son’s classmates mom and she’s been very helpful for guidance as it pertains to my own expectations and the tools I can try to implement. She’s a family therapist — but she’s not in-network with my insurance so sessions are $$$, but the support she’s been providing has been worth it. I hope you kind find someone who respects the challenges you are currently facing at home with your child while giving you concrete tips on ways to implement some structure.

 

[monae]

@me4u I struggled with impulsiveness my whole life but was yes I guess able to mask everything else because I excelled at school and was very driven to do well and have continued to be that way even if I make stupid ass decisions outside of that.

I do come from a place of understanding I just don’t know what to do when it’s everything piled on top of everything else if that makes sense.

I reached out to insurance today for a behavioral case manager to get us help! Hoping they can get us information on who, what etc that could be of some help.

 

[colwyn]

@monae I’m sorry, Mom. And I’m glad you are hear asking for support. No advice, just holding space and I’m sorry you are in this place.

Get lots of resources for YOU.

 

[monae]

@colwyn Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Promise I’m not crying.

 

[kem]

@monae Gosh, my son is now 20 and somewhat independant, but I feel you. I had a really similar situation and it was soooo hard. Just know that I see you.

 

[ziko]

@monae I’m in the exact same boat.

He’s snuck girls in in the middle of the nite, he’s been sneaking out, shoplifting, graffiti, smoking weed, the whole shebang.

I caught him again with a girl in his bed two weeks ago. He is essentially grounded from everything for the remainder of the school year.

Phone, computer and all internet access is gone. Zero outings with friends. He can go to the gym and walk the dog or join us for family outings, that’s it.

When school starts again he can have his phone back as he needs it for school but I will be removing it at nite. He will slowly regain access to his friends but it’ll be very limited until he’s able to regain the trust.

I’ve also installed smart locks on all my doors so I’m notified when someone comes and goes.

I’m at my wits end with this kid.

 

[monae]

@ziko It really is so tough. My is grounded and will be grounded for the foreseeable future…

He can go to school, lacrosse and a job if he gets one. I don’t want him to have to get a job though I want him to be able to focus on school and lacrosse because being ADHD he seriously needs the outlet.

So sorry you are going through this too!

 

[anita5050]

@monae At 15- I’m certain(in the USA) he can get a job bagging groceries

Honestly, it sounds like he has too much idle time . Kids with ADD need simulation all the time. They need something to do all the time, so if money isn’t too terrible of an issue, might I suggest actually enrolling him in more sports and more activities?? it sounds like pay to play sports are your best option considering grades aren’t going to allow him to play sports in high school… but honestly idle hands really are the worst for a kid with ADD.

Does he have a cell phone? If so why who is paying for it? What are the consequences associated with him having a cell phone when he’s not doing the things that he’s supposed to be doing? Do you have parental controls? Turned on to know where he’s at?

How was he sneaking girls into the house?

Do you have family support grandparents aunts uncles friends with other teenagers? Does he volunteer anywhere? can you guys volunteer somewhere together since you’re on a 40 week work schedule, at this point your goal should be to exhaust him to all avenues. What does the therapist suggest? How long has he been in therapy? How often does he see a therapist? Is he in a group therapy session as well?

 

[monae]

@anita5050 During the school year he doesn’t have too much idle time because he is playing lacrosse. They have fall and spring ball and it’s 5-6 days a week. He is actually able to play because it isn’t school sanctioned.

He does have a cell phone. I pay for it I am a single mother I pay for everything.
I frequently take his phone I have gone as far as cutting it off and getting a home phone. It’s hard not to have him have a phone because of sports and his few hours at home. But I am considering taking the iPhone and getting him an old school phone without all the bells and whistles. I do have that but I have yet to figure out how he can’t turn it off. And when he has snuck out at night he either A leaves his phone at home or B turns his location off. ( does anyone know how to make it where they can’t) I have tried google but it wasn’t much help.

I honestly have no Idea I didn’t even know that was occurring and it has to be after I’m asleep which idk how bc I have already removed his bedroom door and I sleep with my door open bc his shenanigans.

I’m definitely About to start exhausting him in an as many avenues as possible. He starts lacrosse in 2 weeks so he will have that. I have parents but unfortunately my dad who is retired went suddenly blind a few months ago so he isnt able to offer much help and my mother still works. Outside of that it is just us.

We used to volunteer often together I think we will start doing that again or find something active we can do together multiple times a week. He loves mtb. I think I’ll try to get him to do that with me again. I’m going to have conversations with him about these things as I want it to be something that he is interested in so it isn’t so forced.

He is in therapy 1-2 times a month. It gets pricey for us both to be in therapy. I am going to get a family therapist and made hedge-way on that today. I also learned of a benefit I didn’t know I had which was telecom therapy which is actually free so between that and family we should be able to manage that for a while.

 

[przemek]

@monae I think you need family therapy. You sound like a good parent, but there’s something missing here.

I did it when my son was going through a depressive episode and it was eye opening and changed my parenting forever. He didn’t get much out of it, but I did. It helped me understand him better.

If he won’t, get therapy for yourself from someone who understands adolescents.

If friends are the bad influence, it sometimes really does help to move.

You don’t have to be perfect as a parent, just good enough and you are. Kids just sometimes struggle, even with the best parents.

 

[monae]

@przemek I think you are right and I appreciate your comment.

We really both need to learn how to deal with life together single mom and son and how to deal with his ADHD and a better parenting style.

More sports might be an option though lacrosse starts in a week or two and will go through the end of May. Maybe a part time job outside of that.

I ride bikes and thought about getting him a bike and taking him with me on my rides and just going his speed. That way he’s getting an outlet and we are spending time together.

If biking isn’t it something else another outlet perhaps we can do together.

 

[monae]

@przemek I missed the move comment. I have thought about that but I worked so hard to live where I am at in one of the best public school systems in my area. Until we address the underlying issue at hand moving will solve nothing because he will seek the same kind of people.