I met this woman 5 years ago, we were in a serious relationship. She had an almost 3 year old daughter when we met, things got serious and I agreed that if her daughter wanted to call me Dad I would step up to that role and that no matter what happens I would be her Father forever. I have been in her life ever since, she calls me Dad, she never met her biological father, he left before she was born and died of an alcohol overdose about 2 years ago. Her and I are not together because she was abusive and cheated on me multiple times among other things.
She recently decided it would be a good idea to sit down soon together and tell her that her biological father died and I'm not her biological father but that I'm still her Dad. Her selfish reasoning is that she doesn't want our daughter to resent her when she is older for not telling her. I personally think she should wait until she is at least 13-15 if not older, and that she can't really resent her for not telling her when she choose someone that was willing to step up and do the right thing and gave her a father even when she didn't have one to begin with. It isn't like she can go meet him or that he was this great man she missed out on. I think it is too much for an 8 year old to handle and that all around its going to do more harm than good to not only her but to her and I and the relationship we have formed, and to our future relationship as she becomes a teenager and into her early 20s.
FYI, she is a narcissist with border line personality disorder who's Dad abandoned her when she was very young, and has all the issues that brings. I do not know what to do. No matter what I say I'm wrong and apparently someone she works with has a degree in early childhood development even though they work at a shoe store (she makes up lies to justify her behavior, often) and said they said it would be a good idea, even though I'm pretty sure it isn't going to help an 8 year old. I am waiting to here back from some child psychologists on the matter, but I'm curious if anyone here has advice on how to get through to her, or maybe I'm entirely wrong and it would be good for her but I'm just struggling to see how, the cost to benefit is high cost zero benefit, and in my experience in basic business, that is a bad decision, but kids aren't businesses at the end of the day so maybe I'm an idiot thinking that way.
Help.
P.S. I also think she is hoping our daughter won't want me to be her dad, even though I know that isn't a real likely possibility. She does as much as you can to hurt me, and this would essentially remove me from both their lives permanently, which she promised me she wouldn't do when we first had the conversation years ago. Again, narcissists will tell you what you want to here just to shut you up, as I expressed that was a worry of mine, coming into a child's life and then leaving them, as my father wasn't around growing up myself. I got therapy, he got sober, I have forgiven him, we have a great relationship now, but I understand how it feels and I couldn't do that to her, knowing first hand how awful it feels as a child.
She recently decided it would be a good idea to sit down soon together and tell her that her biological father died and I'm not her biological father but that I'm still her Dad. Her selfish reasoning is that she doesn't want our daughter to resent her when she is older for not telling her. I personally think she should wait until she is at least 13-15 if not older, and that she can't really resent her for not telling her when she choose someone that was willing to step up and do the right thing and gave her a father even when she didn't have one to begin with. It isn't like she can go meet him or that he was this great man she missed out on. I think it is too much for an 8 year old to handle and that all around its going to do more harm than good to not only her but to her and I and the relationship we have formed, and to our future relationship as she becomes a teenager and into her early 20s.
FYI, she is a narcissist with border line personality disorder who's Dad abandoned her when she was very young, and has all the issues that brings. I do not know what to do. No matter what I say I'm wrong and apparently someone she works with has a degree in early childhood development even though they work at a shoe store (she makes up lies to justify her behavior, often) and said they said it would be a good idea, even though I'm pretty sure it isn't going to help an 8 year old. I am waiting to here back from some child psychologists on the matter, but I'm curious if anyone here has advice on how to get through to her, or maybe I'm entirely wrong and it would be good for her but I'm just struggling to see how, the cost to benefit is high cost zero benefit, and in my experience in basic business, that is a bad decision, but kids aren't businesses at the end of the day so maybe I'm an idiot thinking that way.
Help.
P.S. I also think she is hoping our daughter won't want me to be her dad, even though I know that isn't a real likely possibility. She does as much as you can to hurt me, and this would essentially remove me from both their lives permanently, which she promised me she wouldn't do when we first had the conversation years ago. Again, narcissists will tell you what you want to here just to shut you up, as I expressed that was a worry of mine, coming into a child's life and then leaving them, as my father wasn't around growing up myself. I got therapy, he got sober, I have forgiven him, we have a great relationship now, but I understand how it feels and I couldn't do that to her, knowing first hand how awful it feels as a child.