Miscarriage at 8.5 weeks. How to start over?

[xelador]

My wife (37) and I (40) suffered a miscarriage this weekend. I was prepared but it suddenly happened at 8 1/2 weeks and it still rocked us.

The worst part is, I happened to be traveling and I couldn’t be there for my wife. For eight weeks, I kept my excitement and my expectations low, and didn’t tell any family leading up to the first doctors visit that would have been this week. I think for half a day last week I started feeling happy about the future and started thinking about how we’d want to tell people and out of nowhere, it happened.

I really hate this happening, not just for the obvious reasons, but for the subsequent long and unsure timeline of ttc again. I was wondering if you wonderful people have some insight on a couple of questions that float around.

Medical: The first regards seeing a doctor. For those of you who have experienced this, is it advisable to see a doctor? Is it normal to see a doctor? For reference, the miscarriage itself was, thankfully, very textbook and most of the tissue and everything came out all in one go and then the placenta came out two days later and there’s been a moderate amount of discomfort so there’s no red flags of something being wrong, but I’m just wondering if seeing a doctor is just a good idea, even if it’s for our psychological reasons. Also, given our age, is there a special type of doctor we should see to run tests on my wife because the last thing I wanna do is try again and then find out there’s something going on that we should’ve been aware of and tried unconventional routes and not waste more time. I got my semen analysis done preemptively and it came out really well. I think you can look at a previous post of mine for this.

Timeline: probably my most curious question, because it’s weirdly hard to find much info on this besides a standard “wait three months.” For people who went through this, how soon can you start trying again? As soon as hCG levels have dropped and one period has passed?

Thank you so much for this group. I’ve learned so much from you all. I was really looking forward to becoming a pre-dad, and I hope I can again soon.

 

[forrestzzz]

@xelador answer based on title:

real answer: most doctors suggest 3 months. Outside of that, whenever your partner is ready. We had lost a baby at 23 weeks. Wife was ready to try again 4-5 months later. I’ve heard some women wanting to wait a year or more, or even go time as soon as the 3 months happens.

Really, when your partner is ready — that’s the cue.

 

[stranger36147]

@forrestzzz This timeline is just as important as what the doctor will say. My wife wanted to start trying ASAP. Your wife may need more time. Talk it through with her as you grieve and comfort one another.

 

[leyanis]

@xelador Oh man, I'm so sorry. My wife (35) and I (40)are about 3-4 weeks in and are terrified of a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. She's been having sever mid section pain (cramps and stabbing pain on both sides. No blood, headaches or really any other issues). We went to the ER this weekend and got an ultrasound but it's too early and they couldn't see anything. Went back in to the ob-gyn this morning and they took more blood samples to see if any of the pregnancy indicators are going up. This is the first pregnancy for either of us, so everything is super scary.

My heart goes out to you and your wife. Stay strong!

 

[katrina2017]

@xelador Went through this a couple times in a row somewhat older than you two. It sucked. It was followed by a successful pregnancy.

She might want to see an OB to verify her hcg levels are returning to 0. They generally won’t recommend doing anything differently in terms of ttc unless you’ve had more than two without a successful pregnancy. Miscarriage is very common, so a single occurrence isn’t meaningful.

You can try again after one period, the purpose of which is to verify that the menstrual cycle has restarted.

 

[xelador]

@katrina2017 Very helpful, thank you for sharing your experience. I guess my thought was, due to our age group, and in theory, this being longer than six months of trying if you factor in three months of trying, and eight weeks of pregnancy, we’re close to the six-month of trying to conceive part. Is there any reason to “seek help” at this stage.

 

[believing2015]

@xelador I would feel free to talk to your OB about it. But they are unlikely to do anything after a single miscarriage. Typically, after the 3rd one, they get serious about exploring other options. However because of our age (early 40s) my partner and I pushed after the 2nd one and got referred to an IVF clinic. We did all of the testing and were preparing for IVF but we ended up getting pregnant naturally before our first cycle. Good luck!

 

[katrina2017]

@xelador I think it would be helpful to talk through your timeline with an OB. I can’t speak much to your situation, but it sounds like you conceived fairly quickly, so that part of things works. There are a lot of things that cause miscarriages that are just plain bad luck rather than any systemic issue.

 

[tcna]

@xelador You really should have been already talking to an OB. It's much harder for women after 35 years old to conceive, and miscarriage is more likely. As she gets older, it gets even harder, and the risk to her or the baby is higher. Don't waste time, the clock is ticking.

 

[4bygrace]

@xelador We had a missed miscarriage this summer. I’d advise going in to see the doctor to make sure that all tissue is gone and to double check on everything. Our doctor told us we could start trying again as soon as we were ready, but we had some hormonal issues that prevented us from trying again for a few months. I’m so sorry for your loss - don’t forget to take some time for yourselves and grieving is so normal.

 

[rusyngirl]

@xelador Unfortunately, miscarriages are very common. We had one 2 years after our daughter was born. The good news is the odds of a second miscarriage go way down! That said, I was never a fan of waiting for "2 miscarriages", or 6 months of not conceiving, before seeing a doctor. We met with a fertility specialist early on because my wife has PCOS/irregular cycles. We wanted to make sure we weren't wasting our time because we were similar ages to you and didn't want to find out a year down the road that there was something we could have done.

 

[thislifeandthenext]

@xelador My wife and I had 2 chemical pregnancies before conceiving. We didn't know, but apparently that's super common and people don't generally even know because only early detect picks up the really small amount of hcg. Basically, the egg and sperm combo just don't jive right, so her body drops it. We stressed about them in different ways for a little bit. It hurts, and it's hard to move on when it's something so new and you have no control.

Her doctor put it really plainly in a way that helped a lot. Human reproduction is messy and prone to all kinds of problems that are all just part of the process. I grew up in the south, where if you didn't practice abstinence only you were definitely going to get pregnant lol. So it was a little tricky getting out of that headspace, you know, "it should've happened by now" type thoughts.

I'd say invest a little time in each other - try something totally different together... hiking, painting, gym, whatever. Exercise, good diet, good mental space are what helped us on our last try and now we're due in January.

Good luck!

 

[unholycannoli]

@xelador Sorry for your loss.

Had an ectopic before our first kid. Had a few chemical pregnancies and an 8 week miscarriage before another kid.

It sucks beyond belief - be there for her and check in as much as you can.

Miscarriages are unfortunately common, but if they become recurrent it may be good to find a reputable fertility clinic (one that doesn’t immediately push for IVF) to make sure to get any clarity on potential contributing factors to recurrent loss. We went to fertility doctors after our 8 week miscarriage and they did a bunch of bloodwork and identified some unique genetic things we had to mitigate with medicine during/before the next pregnancy.

 

[blessing123]

@xelador I'm very sorry this happened to you. My wife and I are slightly younger than you both, but not by much. She miscarried at 7 weeks back in January. She got pregnant again in March and we're now 32 weeks in; all signs point to a very healthy baby. Obviously based on the timeline we didn't really wait to get back to it. We asked our doctors about it, none of them said we had to wait for anything and it was our choice when we were ready.

The immediate aftermath wasn't easy, but we were ready to be parents and didn't want to wait. We were lucky in that we didn't have to wait long to conceive either time. I think talking to your OB is a wise decision, but I suspect they'll tell you what we were told - it's up to you when you're both ready to give it another go. I wish you the best, and am happy to answer questions if you had any.

 

[noodlez]

@xelador Hi. Mom here, in the middle of miscarrying my second pregnancy (first is currently napping). I have a d&c scheduled for Friday when I’d be 10w1d.

Your wife should go in to see her OB so they can confirm that she has passed all the tissue. If she hasn’t, it can turn really serious fast. Better be safe.

As for conceiving after, my OB says that we can start trying again as soon as we feel ready.

 

[surfver]

@noodlez I’m so sorry. Just take a really big virtual hug.

 

[noodlez]

@surfver Thanks

 

[fickles]

@noodlez I absolutely second this. It is not standard of care to have an ultrasound post miscarriage. Even if your wife thinks she might've passed everything, it's good to be sure - because if not, then then she risks sepsis or worse. My partner underwent a miscarriage and the OB only relied on hormone levels to determine whether or not the pregnancy/miscarriage was over - only later on when we met with a specialist did we come to the horrible surprise that she was left with retained products, and we underwent yet another stage of grief and horror before having to go in for an emergency D&C.

I am so sorry for your loss and situation and hope everything will be ok. The silver lining of miscarriages is that chances are pretty high for conception afterward, but that doesn't ever make it any easier.

 

[mandahuff]

@xelador Go to the doctor just to make sure there’s nothing left inside to get infected, also to see if mrs needs iron supplements!! (I needed to take iron for 4 weeks!!)

Start trying whenever you’re physically and emotionally comfortable to do so
We waited to have sex til after the bleeding had stopped and it didn’t feel weird basically

For trying to conceive, a period kinda means your body is supposedly ovulating again so there’s that

Look after yourselves

 

[stranger36147]

@xelador I'm really sorry you're going through this. We lost a baby at 10 weeks last September; I was also traveling when it happened. There's fewer worse feelings in the world, that's for sure.

From the medical standpoint, it's probably a good idea to meet with the OB/GYN. They may want to do an untrasound to make sure everything clears out. My wife is 40, and we didn't see any special doctor besides the OB/GYN. I'm happy to report she just gave birth to our second baby boy about six weeks ago.

Regarding the timeline, we were told to wait a month to make sure her uterus was cleared out. This prevents confusion when you begin trying again. This may be different for you guys. I'm a doctor, but not that kind of doctor. Check with her doctor on this. What worked for us may be different for you guys.

I hope this helps. Stay strong for her.