Manipulative 12 yo with mental illnesses

[delm]

@mumofthree This sounds a lot like trauma. My son has had similar problems, and a classmate of his had a seizure, after a school shooting.

Even before my kid experienced the shooting he had issues. I can't say exactly why. He was diagnosed with autism late-14. One thing I noticed, he's just got a sensitive nervous system. Once puberty hit he couldn't mask or keep up socially.

School can be really traumatizing for kids on the spectrum. In addition, being biracial probably led to being treated differently. Some of the physical stuff could be somatic. It's the stress. You need to lower her everyday stress load.

I totally understand the burn out. So many times I felt like running away from home because it was all so painful and nothing I did helped. At a certain point I stopped trying to fix things so much and practiced non judgmental listening. Please don't assume she is being purposely manipulative. Kids, and adults, often do things to get their needs met without consciously scheming. They lack awareness and like a crying baby are doing what they can to get what they need.

When a problematic behavior happens, try to find the root. Validate her feelings. Suggest ways to cope, calm down, etc. Tell her you love her everyday. Find ways to compliment her and encourage her interests. But set boundaries. Especially the blaming. If the older daughter says she's messaging her, talk to her about it. Resolve the issue the best you can. Ask her to come to you and not tell the sister she is going to harm herself. That's her way of getting attention. How else could she get attention or vent?

And give yourself grace. Sometimes you just need a break. You won't do everything perfectly. What can hubby do to help? Maybe family counseling could help.

But things get better. My son is leveling out finally and I think going 100% virtual was the right move. Also he started thinking about college and making plans for the future.

 

[mumofthree]

@delm Thank you, really appreciate your input.

I am doing most of these things. I listen, I keep quiet when she wants me to, she is the center of my world. She is our main priority, but I think the entire family is exhausted and really need counseling.

I do take some time out, I just spent a long weekend with my best friend in Spain and while I was away, and her dad was looking after her, nothing happened. Not a seizure, no complaints. The moment I got back, she started to vent.

But we are working on this. One day at a time.

 

[mstreet]

@mumofthree Has she had a major event or trauma in her life that happened prior to the onset of the suicide attempts/seizures? Or do you think the bullying was the major issue? Some psychological distress can cause seizures in some people. Has she had a psychological eval? Does her psychiatrist offer any insight? What are they treating her for?

 

[mumofthree]

@mstreet No trauma, she has always lived in a loving and caring family. She is biracial, that and some other things led her to being bullied at school. She has always had drama around her. Two of the three suicide attempts happened after we took away her phone. She cannot stand control and this is how she tries to threaten us. We do take these attempts very seriously though.

She has been in therapy since 2020, also the 15 wks hospitalization in a child psychiatry where she was diagnosed with ASD, OCD and anxiety disorder.

She has been taking Fluoxetine for anxiety for a year now. Her therapist and psychiatrist are also sharing my concerns and suggested for her to undergo a more intense therapy/hospitalized again.

 

[orthodoxserb]

@mumofthree Just want to say that it’s possible your daughter has had trauma that you don’t know about?

My daughter was having a lot of the same stuff as yours, but not to the same extent, and we didn’t find out about her trauma until she told the intake person at a new facility about it.

Has she done a partial outpatient program?

 

[mumofthree]

@orthodoxserb Sorry, English is not my first language, what does a partial outpatient program mean?

 

[orthodoxserb]

@mumofthree That’s ok, I didn’t know what it was either and English is my only language

Basically, the kids are in a 3 day a week program for 5-6 hours a day for 6ish weeks.

While my daughter was never actually hospitalized where she stayed in the hospital, this intensive program seemed to help her more than anything else.

 

[orthodoxserb]

I think sometimes they are called IOP, intensive outpatient program?

 

[mumofthree]

@orthodoxserb Yes, she had something like that last year, 15 weeks, 5 days a week, she came for the weekends only and it did help. This is what we are looking into again, but there is a long waiting list.

 

[orthodoxserb]

@mumofthree Ugh I’m sorry to hear that.

 

[fasonreeman]

@mumofthree I used to take my daughter's phone away but the psychologist told me not to do that because basically all you're doing is taking away their world. Kids these days aren't like we were growing up, their world is in their phone. My daughter has attempted a few times as well and things get really bad when I take her phone. I've made her promise that as long as she doesn't get violent or aggressive towards me I will not take her phone. I do have control over her phone though and she has limited screen time and I have set the amount of time she has access to social media. That has helped a lot.

It sounds a lot to me like she's got some kind of trauma and it could be from the seizures, maybe she's scared. I would be if it was me. I think you're doing the best you can, get some supports in place for yourself. You need to take care of yourself because if your cup is empty you can't feel anyone else's. The only thing you said that really kind of rubbed me the wrong way was that your husband isn't falling for this whole mental illness thing. It doesn't sound like he's got a very good understanding of what mental illness is if he thinks it's something to fall for.

 

[mumofthree]

@fasonreeman I agree with you on the phone thing. My daughter's therapist told us the same, don't take it away from her, currently this is the only way she can communicate with her friends. We also have screen time, etc, and I set the rules straight with her. But it is not OK try to to take your life away if your parents take your phone away. It is very much like an addiction and you just "cannot go cold turkey".

As for my husband, he was born and raised in an African country where mental illness is completely being ignored. I am taking him with us to some of the therapy sessions so he understands what this is all about, and he is getting more and more invested, but if you were raised with everyone telling you that mental illness do not exist or when you are sick, they take you to a herbalist/witch, etc, it will be difficult to change your way of thinking.

Just a example. I was trying to explain to my brother in law (he also lives in Europe now) what a seizure is. He said he only saw one epileptic seizure in his whole life, and that happened here in Belgium and he was surprised to see how people were helping the person instead of just running away - because that is what his people from his country would do. They would believe that they can also get the seizure just touching the person. See, it is very difficult to change someone's perception on mental illness, epilepsy or any kind of illness to be honest.

 

[fasonreeman]

@mumofthree I hear you I understand different cultures deal with things differently and mental illness is definitely something that isn't mildly understood in a lot of parts of the world. I hope he continues to try and understand so that he can be more helpful because it sounds like a lot of it is on you at this point. I understand that, I've always been the more involved with everything parent but it does start to weigh you down after a while.

And yes I agree it's not a logical reaction to say you're going to kill yourself because your phone gets taken away.

 

[derek1995]

@mumofthree Take her internet access away. She's parroting.

 

[adamsk]

@mumofthree Sorry. Take her phone away and keep her safe.