Kids are dropping the N-Word

[nathanstrong]

@katrina2017 Yeah, my first impulse was to come back with, "wait, we can't say that (N-Word)"

They of course asked why and I responded with that N-Word doesn't mean newb, it means a word that's much worse and I couldn't tell them what it was. Just that while we don't call people names, it's better to say newb than N-Word.

 

[leer0y]

@nathanstrong Honestly I would tell them what the actual "n-word" is. Stress that this is the ONLY time you're going to say in full and then explain why. If you just say "I can't tell you what the word is" they're going to get curious and try to find out, and you'd rather have them learn it from you so you can explain why it's such a terrible word that we shouldn't repeat. Good luck!

 

[missyoung]

@leer0y I anticipate some heated gaming moments following this strategy but who knows maybe it’ll work

 

[leer0y]

@missyoung Set the rules and have zero tolerance for saying that word, full stop. They say they full word and games are done for a week, no exceptions. They say "n-word" instead of "noob" and games are done for the day. Let them know you're serious and enforce the seriousness of the word.

 

[piggybank]

@missyoung I have some friends with kids who are older and and play video games and they seem like nice enough kids but seems like a lot of them say some terrible shit while online gaming… kids are always the worst in lobby!

 

[swallowedinthesea11]

@leer0y I'm not sure if a 4 or 5 year old has the maturity to understand the gravity of the situation, I probably wouldn't tell them the real, full N-word, until they are a bit older

 

[katrina2017]

@swallowedinthesea11 They absolutely don't, and I really don't see the upside--they think "n-word"means noob.

I get the fear that they might call another child "n-word" but it's not like they're actually saying that word--they don't even know it. The legitimate concern is that people might overhear it and there wouldn't be an opportunity to clarify the meaning, or they might use it at school and have it be taken on a way other than intended. I'd be worried about that, sure.

Presented formally it's hilarious--n-word meaning noob would be a big improvement, especially if we all reserved actually saying"noob" for when
we needed an extreme expletive.

Yeah it's problematic, but just ban the insult. Kids should be able to josh each other, but the norm around here at least seems to be banning all attempts at any kind of jab until they're at an age where they can discern ribbing and joshing fro teasing or insulting. At least IME even kids accept when you tell them a word is just off limits. If they think "noob"/"n-word" is actually so hurtful that they're going to lose tv for a year, fine, not a big loss.

Honestly, we've done deep history with the kids well ahead of what little they get in school...and I kinda think we didn't time it right, or rather that we should've been a bit more honest about what their individual abilities were to comprehend the scale of certain things and at what age they needed to be presented. I mean, I made the first three read Howard Zinn starting at 7 or 8, but with our youngest I don't really see the point anymore. He's appropriately aware for a child who has to have a childs level understanding of race and class etc so as not to be a prat; but I've got him reading anthropology instead of American history. He knows what racism is, knows about lynchings and the civil rights movement and sure we talk about what he hears about, but to understand what the n-word carries and actually have an understanding on why that particular word can only be referenced...it's just a bit much. It doesn't deny the necessity of teaching the realities of history. Second grade on, ok well they have to get the mail from the mainland eventually...but let 'em be free of it until it would be irresponsible not to. I keep it simpler with our last now, I just tell him we don't speak in ways that demean or degrade... And that people who do are trash. I'm not sure not sure if he truly cares about dehumanizing others, but I know he doesn't want to be trash.

 

[bigoink]

@leer0y I would too, actually. They're probably going to hear the word on their own eventually, whether it's in music or something else, and they need to know that they can't say it.

Also they can't call anyone else put for using it if they don't know what it is.

 

[heismine]

@leer0y Yes. This. They will learn it at some point, it’s much better for that to happen as part of a conversation like this than out in the wild, and given what’s happening here it’s a conversation that needs to happen.

I’m the white parent in a mixed race (black/white) family… I know there are going to be some really tough and nuanced conversations about this stuff in our house too. If I think about my daughter’s future friends having a situation like this, I would hope their parents would address it with complete openness and sensitivity.

 

[al_77]

@leer0y Agreed here. If that’s an actual line in the family, they need to hear what to expect rather than go into the world blind, AND understand why it’s an incredibly hateful thing to call someone.

 

[taylord95]

@leer0y This is spot on. I remember insisting that my mom tell me what it was, and she said it once and her reaction to hearing herself say it pretty much told me all that I needed to know about that word. I still feel kinda bad about making her say it.

 

[fleshisweak]

@leer0y

Honestly I would tell them what the actual "n-word" is.

Bear in mind you're talking to an OP who's even banned the word "kill" from his house.

I think this kind of confident, transparent, facing up to and managing difficult issues approach might be completely outside of their parental toolbox.

 

[bwade]

@leer0y If these kids are playing games online with others, they have definitely already heard the n word

 

[ledroyjr]

@nathanstrong If your kids were calling each other "shitheads" and to get around that started calling each other "S-head", you would tell them to knock it off, because it's not about the word itself but the meaning behind it. It's not a nice thing to say. I don't see why it's any more complicated than that... You certainly don't need to explain the real N-word to 5 and 7 year Olds.

 

[bluesky26]

@ledroyjr In our family the difference is between what we call a curse word and a bad word. Shithead is a curse word and the n-word is a slur. Curse words are fine to you use in the right context, slurs are bad words and are never OK to use.

I think clearly defining that will help move away from “heated gamer moments” and treating slurs as mega curse words.

 

[gomikey89]

@nathanstrong Any fellow Dads who are looking for an online Minecraft server that’s safe for kids, check out Famcraft. It’s totally family friendly. No bad language, no teasing, no griefing other player’s builds and the rules are strictly enforced. It’s a really safe, supportive community and they’ve been around for like 10 years. I used to play there myself sometimes.

 

[daniellehunt]

@nathanstrong 1) Banning the word "kill" is very odd to me. In my opinion, you should teach them to not say things to be mean/offend people, and not teach them that inoffensive words are "bad". They learn how to be nicer that way instead of finding loopholes to specific banned words.
2) If you are going to ban specific words, then it makes no sense to allow them to find loopholes. If "kill" is not allowed in your house, then why is "k-word" allowed? It literally means the same thing, unless you're for some reason offended by the noise the word makes??
3) Banning the word "noob" is even goofier than banning the word "kill". Let your kids use the English language and just teach them how to be respectful

 

[hollyberry88]

@daniellehunt I agree, this is like the hyper-christians who have replacements for swear words, as if the lord doesn't know which f-word is in their head when they say fudge.

Same for kids, if they can't say kill but they are saying k-word, they ARE still thinking kill.

 

[nathanstrong]

@daniellehunt 1) Wait, what? When my 5 year old tells his brother he's "going to kill him," that's a bright line he's stepped over. Not okay at 5, 15 or 25. Not OK to say it outside of the house to someone he isn't related to. My mom passed away 8 months ago. We talk about death and how it is forever. It's not an easy concept for a 4 or 5 year old to get. But, it's clear there are some things we don't say and don't do. Kill directed at someone else, not OK.

2) K-word is when one of them is dropping a dime on a sibling. S-Word (for stupid) and H-word (for hate) are a couple others. I'm not OK with them calling other people stupid or saying they hate someone else. They slowly are getting around to using these words as a verb without object, but it's a long, uphill battle. I'm not OK with the use of these words either. Mom doesn't use them, Dad doesn't use them, the kids shouldn't use them either.

3) If there was a respect switch on my kids I'd have already flipped it. In my estimation all of these actions are trying to teach them to treat others how they want to be treated. You wouldn't want someone to call you a n00b, so we're not going to be OK with you calling others the same. There's a big difference between describing an action and applying a label to a person.

 

[justasimpleservant74]

@nathanstrong I'm with the other guy. It's all a bit over the top. I play Fortnite with my son sometimes and we refer to each other as noobs because neither of us is very good. It's a term of endearment for us and it's absolutely not a bad thing to be a noob.