I totally feel you on the incessant projection of negativity! I don’t understand this attitude of “Oh congrats... you’ll have a shit time” ... thank you?
One day, ONE DAY I pray we’ll get to the point where it’ll be
“Congrats! I’m so excited for you random baby conversation etc... oh! before I go, if your morning sickness hits or just incase you feel crummy, holla and I’ll send you over what worked for me but I know you’ve got this!”
@katrina2017 Me too, thank you so much! I’m open to advice but when it’s projected or not communicated in a certain way, like anything, you’re not really in a place to perceive it as much but negative or aversive. Your examples totally nail how it is vs how it should be.
@lilithdom Thank you so much for this. 33 weeks and I am close to strangling the next person who makes a “oh just you wait” comment. It’s interesting, I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy but people (usually those who weren’t active/made their pregnancy difficult) love to tell me how much worse it gets.
@tomjono6 I think you’re smart and capable enough to have the benefit of the doubt as an adult actively making the choice to have a baby and know that post partum will be a roller coaster of rapid change and that it’s not always going to be rainbows and sunshine, but you definitely want to celebrate the good stuff especially in light of the not so great stuff being the thing more projected at parents, especially first time parents.
@lilithdom With my first, in the NICU for three months, when we said how tired we were my in-laws were like "just wait until you have the baby at home with you - at least you have good sitters now". I wanted to leap through the phone line and murder them, but instead I said something sharply about how we would much prefer to be tired and at home in our own beds with a healthy baby. People can be such morons when it comes to giving you "advice" and "expectations" about childrearing.
@tofu When people say “at least...” followed by something more extreme or unhelpful it doesn’t come from a place of empathy and is so annoying and dismissive of what you’re going through. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
5 I had a friend who has never breastfed or had a baby tell me how much I would hate it because of the experiences others she knew had with it. I also had A MAN tell me I would hate it, that really blew my mind. I ended up loving it and was sad when it came to an end (we had issues in the beginning but I loved the experience overall).
@lilithdom When people tell me stuff like this I just roll my eyes. Just cause it happened to you doesn’t mean it will happen to me. We all struggle sometimes but I’m actually looking forward to life after the baby arrives.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.” yep! I also do laundry when the baby does laundry. I’m a FTM and this is a totally reductionist piece of advice. There’s some of sleeping when the baby sleeps but gasp you can actually be productive and get some other shit done.
I can see how people mean well when they say this and this is what I fully intend to do. My husband and I are pretty good at keeping on top of the household chores and honestly I don't mind doing housework as I see it as time to myself away from the baby when he gets home from work and can bond with the baby that I've spent the day with. It'll also be my time to take a nice long shower or bath when I feel like I need to pamper myself a bit.
“You’re GONNA feel horribly depressed after you give birth- talk to someone.”
My mum likes to throw this one at me a LOT! She's always telling me how I may not love my baby at first which makes me feel just great. I think a lot of what people put down as the baby blues could also be extreme tiredness. I've travelled long haul before, that included getting stuck in Dubai for 13 hours that left me crying in the middle of the Dubai Mall from pure exhaustion (I think at that point I'd been awake for somewhere in the region of 30 hours). So I can only imagine what it'll be like when you haven't really slept properly in at least three months, your body has gone through one of the most traumatic things a woman will endure in her life time, you're hit with and influx of post-baby hormones and you're just tired to the very core.
@lilithdom Thank you.
The negativity is overwhelming sometimes.
We ALL know that it’s going to be hard, we aren’t going to get sleep, some of us are going to develop PPD, etc.
But the extent of that kind of rhetoric, in my opinion, just serves to terrify expecting moms and sometimes makes us feel like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop as soon as we give birth.
@lilithdom Yes! Yes! Yes! Everyone's experience is their own. Maybe instead of horror stories, people should offer to bring coffee or meals to new moms. It's a lot more helpful.
Even before I got pregnant, people would see my relationship with DH and say "you only like each other because you don't have kids. Just wait". What the hell is that? Why would you project your own resentment onto another couple?
@lilithdom WOW you got some doozies! I got 1 & 2, and a LOT of toddler horror stores ("OH you think babies are hard, just wait until they are toddlers/teenagers/ect.") But when I got warned about 4 & 5, it was more warnings and heads up, than the chuckling "ohhh just you wait, you're going to be miserable!" There's ways to warn new moms about the hormone crashes, the breastfeeding troubles, and postpartum depression without being a dick about it.
Also, I really don't understand the people who seem to do the "oh just you wait, it get's SO HARD" the most, seem to be surprised that I'm only planning on two kids (pregnant with number 2 right now). No Karen, I DO NOT want to do this three or more times. I like my life and lifestyle, and you're one of the ones who's constantly telling me how hard it is, and how my daughter is a fluke (she's a REALLY good baby and toddler, I did get lucky), why on earth would I keep having kids if it's as miserable as you say it is?
@lee1009 That’s the thing- there’s a way to say things. And to also keep in mind your experience is not the experience or way it is. I know it is typically well intended but like I said in previous comments, if you want someone to receive what you have to say, you have to figure out an appropriate way to present it.
Congrats on number 2! I wish you a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery.
@browser1983 Hi YoUaReSoHiLaRiOuS! Not sure wheter you are contributing to the joke or not, so I will just say please tune your tone down. People have the right to enjoy their meme. Don't ruin it for them.
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@lilithdom This. Today I cried because of your post. Due in less than a month and your post really just hit home with me. I agree with everything you said! I don’t know how things will be. It’s an adjustment and I also cannot wait to see my husband in action with our baby. He talks to my belly and thinks he has inside jokes with her already haha.
As a FTM, thank you!
