JuSt yOu WaIt TiL tHe BaBy CoMeS..

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lilithdom

New member
  1. “You’re never gonna sleep again.” One week in and on a 3 hour feeding schedule and I’m getting better, more quality sleep than the last few weeks of my third trimester, free of aches, pains, and insomnia. I can also sleep comfortably on my side and stomach again. Also, unrelated, I poop and pee like normal again! Ahh!
  2. “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” yep! I also do laundry when the baby does laundry. I’m a FTM and this is a totally reductionist piece of advice. There’s some of sleeping when the baby sleeps but gasp you can actually be productive and get some other shit done.
  3. “Your marriage/intimacy is gonna suffer.” I’ve never been more in awe and in love with my husband, who has gone above and beyond anything I could have expected or hoped for as a co-parent. I know he was gonna be a good dad but, damn. I’m so lucky and grateful for how he takes care of us— especially me after an unplanned non-emergency c section as a result of the flu, preeclampsia and cholestasis at my induction. We feel closer and like more of a team than we ever have. It’s brought us together on whole new levels, especially the communication and problem solving when you’re both sleep deprived.
  4. “You’re GONNA feel horribly depressed after you give birth- talk to someone.” (This was the most rude thing someone told me within 2 seconds after meeting me for the first time). I went through a lot with my delivery. I also was lucky to have an exceptional team of doctors and midwives and my husband. Post partum depression and baby blues is real but don’t let anyone tell you how you’re GOING to feel. Ive had my moments of crying and processing my delivery but I also feel like myself for the first time in a long time— free of the pregnancy symptoms and free to be a new mom, physically, mentally and emotionally. And that’s my experience and not to be said that others don’t have a harder time. FWIW I have an appointment to see a post partum therapist through my birthing center soon.
  5. “Breastfeeding is horrible and good luck with that.” We lucked out hard with lactation consultants at the hospital. The first couple days were rough, as it took me some time to come out of the magnesium haze, adjust to incision pain and try to do all the things within those first 24 hours while being given a bunch of pain meds and being confined to a bed, hooked to a catheter. Baby boy also got the effects of the magnesium some. But we’ve made great progress with help and my milk came in well thankfully and baby’s weight is up and I’m able to feed and pump almost exclusively. Trying hard to make it to exclusively and almost there!
Plans happen, they don’t happen. Your experience is your experience. Don’t let anyone project their unfortunate experiences on to your psyche and naysay over your positivity, hope, excitement and overall experience. I’m happy as a FTM, that I get to define and go with the ups and downs of my pregnancy and delivery and now my role as a mom. I’m so in love with my son and husband and overjoyed for our new family.

You are all some tough mothers. Now that I’m on the other side, my mind is blown by how much strength and resilience women come with- like I always knew, but now I know.

Edit: this has just been my experience and I appreciate and acknowledge everyone’s will be different.
 
@lilithdom It seems throughout pregnancy and parenthood you’re going to come across people who will give you unwanted and unhelpful advice. Everyone’s experience is different so take their advice with a grain of salt but sometimes it is also good to know that others have similar struggles and you’re not alone. It’s probably more helpful when people say, ‘it’s pretty common to feel x’ rather than, ‘you’re definitely going to feel x’.

Pregnancy was easy for me, I had a difficult birth, breastfeeding for me was fine, the first 2 weeks after birth were great when my baby was still in that easy newborn sleepy state and I actually had to wake my LO to feed every 3 hours, I was also on a hormonal high. Weeks 3-10 were possibly the hardest weeks I’ve had in my life when my LO woke every hour and had reflux. I felt physically sick from exhaustion and even with an incredibly supportive husband I still woke each time the baby did- it just seemed instinctual. I was grateful to know I wasn’t alone and it wasn’t all Sunshine and roses for everyone. After week 10 things became much easier and after 3 months it was great again for me.
 
@lucianx I had a similar first few weeks, and in fact my midwife said in a very gentle way to not be surprised if I didn't feel as good after 2 or 3 weeks. She was right, it got stressful. But for me, I was brewing up some PPA during that time that probably ended around 14 months. It's a rollercoaster for everyone and I think if your lows are low enough, that can be all you remember.

I'm pregnant now but I only recently was able to see or hear a newborn without cringing and wanting to leave the room.

That said, I do agree that the exhaustion with one baby is nothing compared to first trimester tiredz and third trimester insomnia.

ETA: that said, for me the toddler years are the most fun I've ever had. Whenever I read that they're harder than newborn time I can't relate at all.
 
@palmequinox Thank you so much. I totally agree- we keep the bad stuff standing out in our minds. Honestly, the reason that I feel so good right now is because the newborn stage, the first couple weeks, was the stage I was most scared about facing. Reactive/negative people don’t realize or stop to consider how their words affect others who haven’t been through it before and let’s be honest, if you don’t have a certain type of relationship with someone projecting onto you, are you really going to be in a place to receive/perceive it as well intended advice? To feel like I was actually handling stuff as a new mom in the period of time I was previously afraid of made me feel good enough to post.

Also can’t wait for the toddler years!!! I’m a behavior analyst that works with kids and ages 2-6 are my absolute favorite- they’re so fun and unfiltered!! Congrats on your current pregnancy!
 
@lucianx I could have written your entire post (Except I had an easy birth and breastfeeding was a nightmare). I generally have appreciated when people speak honestly about their struggles.
 
@lucianx Your experience, pregnancy to currently, sounds like mine. I’m open to others’ advice with a grain of salt but I also know my support system from unsolicited/not mindful knee jerk reactions, and I’ve been lucky to have strong, vulnerable moms share their experiences and be there for me. You’re right- it is nice to know you’re not alone in some legs of the journey and to be able to empathize with new experiences. I appreciate you sharing your ups and downs and am happy to hear ultimately it was great again.
 
@lilithdom I KIND OF understand where these people are coming from, but no doubt they’re going about things wrong. I felt so lost and isolated and bad at motherhood when my first was a baby. I thought everyone else was doing great and that there was something wrong with me because it was so hard for me. I like to think the people who are making these comments are just trying to prepare new moms so they aren’t blindsided by the reality of life with a baby.

I’ve tried to skate the line between unrealistic expectations and a total doomsday attitude. One of my friends had a baby last year and after two nights home she said everything was going great and it was easier than she expected. I know that in the first couple of weeks the baby just sleeps and that it’s going to get much harder when it starts to be more awake and want things, but instead of saying “just wait til the baby is more awake it’s going to be awful!” I just said “that’s great!” And then I checked in with her a couple weeks later saying “Hey how are you? I remember I had such a hard time at this point so just wanted to make sure you’re hanging in there!” And I’m HOPING that if she’s struggling, that makes her understand that it’s not just her, that she’s just in the middle of a difficult period. And maybe she’s doing fine but that’s ok because I’ve posed it as just my experience. I don’t know.

So yeah I’m rambling but I think people just want new moms to be ready. They’re just not being tactful about it.
 
@jammin4christ I agree with all of this and I think your approach with your friend is perfect. That’s how I’m trying to be with my friends who are going through pregnancy and the newborn stage right now. I am trying to speak from my own experience and be empathic. I think a lot of people mean well but end up being condescending toward pregnant women and new mothers.
 
@lilithdom Take advice with a grain of salt but I think it comes from a good place (most of the time). I don’t think most people are saying it to be mean. They are telling you based off of their experiences.

Just because you are not having many issues now, doesn’t mean you won’t later, and doesn’t mean everyone is wrong.

I didn’t have any issues with postpartum depression, but for the first several weeks after birth I barely slept. It’s hard to sleep when the baby sleeps, especially when you have to do things for yourself and the house. I am currently having a lot more fights with my husband since the baby is born. Initially he was helpful, but it became more of an issue when we both returned to work. I have thought of divorce many times, but I have to keep telling myself this feeling will pass. I am over 4 months in, and taking care of the baby is a lot easier than the newborn phase, but taking care of a baby, a house, and working full time isn’t easy.

I’m glad you’re having a good postpartum period, but many are not having the same experience. I had overall a great pregnancy and delivery, but I know I am very lucky and it’s not the same for everyone.
 
@lilithdom I've tried flipping those comments into asking for help, trying to make it sound inclusive and interesting. If they are actually trying to be helpful, the conversation can be productive. My mother in law is excited to help out.

But there are plenty of people who just feel like they need validation of how hard they personally found it...

Edit: They say it takes a village to raise a child, so don't let people make you feel like you have to struggle alone because they did and never try to get support.
 
@lilithdom I really hope it lasts for you. I had this mindset for the first couple weeks, and then my baby “woke up”. They’re usually very sleepy the first couple weeks, and then things get really hard. I’m not trying to be a downer, but if things do get harder, just know you’re not alone.
 
@katrina2017 Just shy of 1 month old. Things have been different and the same all at once. Baby boy is def more awake but not with any additional fussing or purple crying- he’s more alert and taking in his environment and holding his gazes and eye contact. Feeding schedule is still the same- every 3 hours, per the lactation consultant and he’s gotten better at breastfeeding. He fusses for dirty diapers and when he’s hungry, needs a little more time to fall back asleep because he’s more awake but everything’s pretty status quo. I’m obviously not counting on this being the norm for every week but so far he’s been steady and consistent and we have a decent routine for now...until things change again haha.
 
@lilithdom I sleep so much better even with a newborn than I did when I was pregnant. Of course we do wake up a few times a night, but I go right back to sleep in between feedings instead of the tossing and turning I used to do when I was pregnant and uncomfortable. I really wish I had known this before, because worrying about my impending lack of sleep actually stressed me out when I was pregnant, just because of other people telling me “sleep while you can” all the time. Sleep is the least of my concerns right now, whereas it was one of my major problems during pregnancy.
 
@lilithdom I hate when people say, “Sleep while you can” as if I can stockpile my sleep. I also hate, “Sleep when the baby sleeps” because, so far, baby only naps on my chest when I’m laying on the couch & I if sleep while he’s sleeping, I’m gonna kill my kid!
 
@lilithdom This is a great post. I've had a garbage pregnancy so far, so whenever I talk to people about how excited I am to just be done I usually hear one or multiple of these. Do I know if I'll have a better time post-delivery? No, but I do know that most people who've been pregnant multiple times have been shocked at how bad my pregnancy has been, so there's a good chance it'll still be more relief than burden.
 
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