Just want help in making a decision about OAD

[chadgervais]

My husband and I before we got married, spoke about having 2 kids. I wanted 2 till I had one. My son is 22 months old. I had a traumatic birth experience - where I had to go for an emergency last minute C section. My pregnancy was meh. TBH I wasn’t even dead set on having the first one but went with it anyway and thought let’s just try.
The exact month I wanted to stop trying, we got pregnant. Im a freelancer and I did not have anything figured out in my career. The last 2 years have been nothing short of a roller coaster, I’ve been taking therapy and Im much better now. I don’t have any diagnosed disorders but just want to say that my mental health has been all over the place.
Day care / Nanny did not work out for us for a whole list of reasons and now my son goes to playschool. I finally have some time for myself to work on my career and am seeing facets of my old self slowly returning. I feel so selfish to think this way but I don’t think I want another child.
I have a sibling and we share such a special bond. My H is an only child and has always wanted a sibling. It’s just so exhausting to think about doing this all over again. And the sheer burn out! Also the planning and mental fatigue of having another child seems so overwhelming and not worth it at all.
I’ve been facing pressure from family members with their stupid comments and now, with my H wanting another / I feel like I’m cheating him or something because I changed my mind. He’s the sweetest and understanding and doesn’t put pressure but I feel so guilty of denying something that he’s always wanted.
How did you guys make the decision to be OAD ? Did you partners agree, how did you get them to understand?

 

[christy_aldridge]

@chadgervais Sounds like you need to have a serious down to earth conversation with your spouse.

Outline your feelings and the stress you have been under. Maybe work with a therapist independently to see where you stand.

Ultimately the choice to be OAD is yours, and no one can make that decision for you.

 

[ineedjesus1]

@chadgervais Your child doesn’t need a sibling, he needs healthy and capable parents. Some people can have 8 kids running amuck, while they are living life and feeling themselves through and through. Others (my husband and me!) can only have one child before they lose who they are and what they are. We all have different limits and boundaries. We all want to be the best we can for our children, whatever that may be.

 

[pugnodei]

@chadgervais your child is still so young and will soon be at the appropriate age to start developing real friendships with his peers. i promise he won’t be lonely as long as you always advocate a healthy social life for him. he will soon start to be apart of his own communities like school, sports, clubs or whatever. i have two older brothers and have little to no relationship with them and that’s a reality for lots of people.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@chadgervais You are not cheating your husband - you had an "ideal" that changed after you experienced child-birth and began the journey of raising your son. NOBODY really understands how difficult it is UNTIL they experience it for themselves. Your husband may have wished for a sibling, but he doesn't know if his life would have truly been enriched by one. To have a second for the sake of providing a sibling is risky at best, simply because you cannot predict the future dynamic between your current child and a hypothetical additional child. If your husband legitimately wants another child, BEYOND the motivation of providing a sibling for your son, it may be more difficult for him to agree to be OAD. You two need to talk about what kind of future you both want and then maybe discuss a timeline for which final decisions should be made.

My husband and I were both leaning OAD before my daughter was ever conceived. We both had difficult, traumatic childhoods and are most concerned with providing our daughter with a loving, stable, financially-sound home. Having one gives allows us to give her the attention, resources and mentally-healthy parents she deserves. We also both have siblings that have made our lives exceedingly more difficult than necessary, and have essentially cut-off contact for our own well-being. I do have a sibling that I AM close with, but that has not swayed my mind and does not outweigh the trauma inflicted by my problematic sibling. Occasionally I think about a second, but the feeling is not strong enough to act on, and I have too many "requirements" that would need to be met before I would truly entertain the idea.

 

[stormsailor]

@chadgervais I’ve liked all the comments you’ve got so far!

I kinda lived both lives; I was my dads only child for 21 years and my mom had 5 kids and married a man with 6 kids. They obviously wanted different things out of their lives and I learned a lot just from watching them.

I only want 1 because I loved the stability my father provided. I too feel guilty for not giving her a sibling, when I have so many. However, I strait up had my tubes tied, so I would need a lot of convincing otherwise. My spouse wasn’t too close to his siblings, so he didn’t care pre kid. He has now said that since the world is going to crap, he wouldn’t want to bring more people into this. Since his closest people are a cousin and long term friend, who really needs a sibling? We just have to teach her how to maintain long term friendships.

We change our minds, and that’s expected as you grow and learn, right? You learned that you are happy with where you are.

 

[astrid_liw]

@chadgervais My husband and I initially want 2. He was the first one that decided to be OAD. He didn’t try to convince me but he told me to look at my lifestyle and our lifestyles and think about how a second child will fit into our lives. Financially we should be fine since we are financially comfortable. He said if in the end I decided that I want a second, he will be supportive since he loves me and if it makes me happy he will be happy as well.

Eventually I could see his POV. We are both working and have great careers and hobbies we like to pursue. Being OAD allow us the best of both worlds. We get to be parents while allowing us to continue our careers and hobbies. We get to lead fulfilling lives which is the key to being happy and great parents.

Besides I didn’t want to put the burden on my husband even though he’s supportive of my decision. That will be selfish on my part.

We send our daughter to daycare and she loves it there. Initially I was afraid she will be lonely without a sibling but it doesn’t seem to be the case. She has lots of friends and we often do play dates.

 

[chadgervais]

@astrid_liw It’s great that you guys came to an agreement and your life sounds great ! I have similar thoughts - about living a fulfilling life. Hope we find our way through this

 

[srracing]

@chadgervais All I can offer is that sibling relationships are not always special - there is no guarantee. My sister tormented me as a child and had a lot of problems that took a lot of attention away from me. I felt on my own a lot. Of course many have a different experience.

I also wanted 2 until we had one and now I'm still on the fence with a newly 3-year-old. I'm happy to have a large age gap or an only child.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@srracing Just wanted to add that for fence-sitters that would only have another with a large age gap, I think it's fine! I don't intend to have another, but will say that my only close sibling relationship (out of my three siblings) is my brother who is 11 years younger than me. We were ever playmates of course, but there was also no rivalry or competition because we were so far apart in age. I always felt more like his Auntie than his sister- I always have looked out for him and tried to mentor him/advise him. We have similar personalities so that helps! I know that not all large gaps work out this way - some siblings truly never connect because the gap is just too big, but like ALL sibling relationships, you just never know! Again, this is why I say that if a person wants more children, it should not be primarily for the purpose of birthing a sibling to your existing child. It should be because you want to have another and are willing to raise another human into adulthood, flaws and all - you must accept that the child may not bond (or even like) your existing child.

With that being said, like you, one of my siblings (older brother) made my childhood unbelievably difficult. He was a bully, who emotionally and physically abused me. My mother could not adequately control his behavioral issues which by and large, were mostly acted out at home - he was an EXCELLENT student with never a complaint from his teachers or administration. Living with him was a nightmare and as adults I've cut off contact because there is no GOOD reason to remain in touch with an abuser. He is a highly intelligent and accomplished person, yet his personal relationships, even as an adult, continue to suffer because of his behavior

 

[srracing]

@ababwaalijaz Yes! I actually also have a brother 8 years younger than I am and I have a good relationship with him. He was always little to me, not a playmate.

 

[andersenkc]

@chadgervais Did your husband take paternity leave and was he actually in the trenches with you helping out? If yes, then he must really want a other child.

If not, then his opinion isn't valid