Is my son’s pre-k teacher unable to handle him? Or is there something wrong with him??

[joerev]

@healedinchrist275 Honestly, this is weirdly exactly where we are now and obviously late to the game in terms of letting them be their separate people. Yes we have been more that they are boy twins and have been accepting they aren’t going to act like my rational, compliant, gentle 8 yr old daughter no matter what. When now that they are getting older we need to let them be their own separate people and maybe it’s impacting their behavior. Truly curious now for the multiple parents, did you ever have the twins/triplets in the same classrooms or keep them separate? And for those who keep them together, has anyone had any behavior issues?

I’m not here to ignore opinions that may seem different than what I’m concerned with. I’m here because I want it to be a better experience for my kid and all involved so as long as there are real comments, it is ALL helpful for me, no matter what. I appreciate the candor otherwise I wouldn’t be on here of all places asking strangers to give it to me straight!

 

[joerev]

@mcasabona Yes, this helps too. Our daughter is 8 and totally opposite and our boys are very very independent and energetic and the neighbors boys (there are 14 boys on our street) are crazy! They wrestle and throw things and all kinds of things that we don’t even let our boys spend time with them for learning these behaviors..! So we’ve chalked it up them as boys being boys. All the girls including our daughter are so much more gentle and prone to listening in the classroom so we thought anything our boys do wouldn’t be too much of a challenge for a preK teacher of all people. That’s where our concern was. But hearing from other parents of multiples who do or don’t have these issues make us feel like we have more of a starting point rather than us simply navigating this blind

 

[mcasabona]

@joerev I think that's a common thing to do, but the mindset of excusing bad behavior because they are boys (whether your neighbors kids or yours) is so problematic and only sets up them and those around them for more challenges. I'm sorry if this comes off as preachy. I just get really frustrated when boys get a pass then everyone wonders why so many struggle with violence and emotional regulation problems all their lives.

 

[joerev]

@mcasabona This is def something we need to think about as well as it’s such a good point! Thanks so much

 

[joerev]

Not sure why everyone is getting heated, regardless of what people say, girls and boys very often act very differently. I have both and there is a HUGE difference

 

[williamc]

@joerev There is a tendency for boys to be more physically energic than girls, and there's also a tendency for parents to hold sons to a lower standard of behavior / make excuses for their sons when they misbehavior. He probably is a great kid, but when you keep try to explain his behavior as "just being a boy", it sounds like you're saying "I don't correct behavior I would in a girl because this is how I think boys behave". That might not be true at all, but that's why you're getting negative reactions.

 

[joerev]

@williamc Yes, thanks for this.. and I get it, but I'm also comparing them to the other boys in the class who are VERY MUCH quadruple the energy and craziness and I guess I should be asking the question of if those parents are also receiving similar feedback. I was so stressed because it felt like my kid was singled out, but as others replied, perhaps they are also having similar conversations

 

[enliven]

@joerev He's not a toddler, he's 5.

That teacher probably has 10 or 15 other kids she needs to keep in check. Having one kid who won't listen is very difficult. There is a time and place for rambunctious, and he's probably just struggling to control himself when the teacher needs him to calm down.

Presuming that they've been in school since August or September and he is still having trouble following the teacher's instructions, maybe it's time for a sit down with the teacher and the principal to see what the options are, if they have any suggestions on how to teach him to listen better in school.

 

[joerev]

@enliven Thanks for this, these posts that truly give non biased feedback is so helpful

 

[oldbricklayer]

@joerev I work as a preschool teacher. My classroom is only comprised of children who have disabilities (and are actually much younger than your twins—3/4 y.o.). I also HAVE twins. I will say, telling a teacher no may not be a big problem. We all like autonomy. But it becomes a problem when the teacher presses and a child is kicking or screaming. I would really have a conference with the teacher to help you understand more. Are her demands placed rational, functional to the classroom, or safety based? Most likely. In my experience, children do not always engage in behaviors in various settings. Maybe at school the pressure of demands that absolutely do not happen at home or in a preferred activity is what riles him up. Rather than the denial of boys will be boys, solve it now. Boys being boys when they are any older will lead to suspension.

 

[joerev]

@oldbricklayer I love this as it really gives good food for thought especially around the school pressures of demand and not necessarily having that at home. At home it’s more of a free based environment with siblings and at school there are expectations they struggle with. The reason I am focused on the twin thing is because they feed each others behavior at school as well. Maybe at school if they were separated it might feel much more different for them and help overall

 

[johnjarrell]

@joerev It took much less for us to pursue evals.

 

[ax126]

@joerev Mental health professional here. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. It can be so difficult to sort out “normal” behavior from behavior that may need intervention. Getting an independent evaluation from a therapist, occupational therapist, or the like may give you valuable insight. Perhaps your school has someone who could observe your son in the classroom and offer perspective. If other professionals are expressing concerns, you’ll know it’s likely not just the teacher being biased. This will also help you support your son early on if he needs help, which can dramatically improve your outcomes.

Best of luck and don’t forget to take care of yourself as you work through things.

 

[joerev]

@ax126 Yes, I think there are options before the kids go to kindergarten even for proper classroom placement. Thanks for your suggestion.. it will also neutralize the situation with several opinions from the professionals

 

[jasonx777]

@joerev If there is another class for the younger twin, it may be beneficial for both kids to switch.

 

[batmanspiderman]

@joerev Ask how much outside time they have everyday and how long he is expected to sit on the carpet.

It might be a "him" problem but I've seen lots of kids at that age (especially boys) struggle with too much sitting and not enough physical outlet.

This isn't me trying to say the teachers wrong in her comments but this would be the first thing I would ask if one of my kids were having this issue at that age.

 

[iheartmacsgaydiack]

@joerev I can see both sides. Frequent defiant/violent behavior such as kicking furniture shouldn’t be a regular occurrence, but occasional defiance is typical. “Isn’t normal” is NOT a phrase a teacher should use. If there’s a school counselor of some kind, asking to have son observed a few times to get a better understanding on the behavior being exhibited and its frequency may shed some light. But I will say, you need to be prepared to accept what is found out. Things could be normal, perhaps son needs to switch classes, perhaps son may need a more extensive game plan to help him learn to recognize, regulate and communicate his emotions while trying to handle being successful with his class work. This is my opinion, you know your son best, and if you feel my comment doesn’t resonate you can completely ignore it. Regardless, I’m sending love and best wishes, i know dealing with issues at school is stressful.