This is kind of a rant… it’s just been consuming my thoughts. I have twin boys who are 5, in pre-K and are very typical energetic boys who are best friends. They are EXTREMELY sweet and fun and athletic, smart, social and charming kids. However, this is their first year in a school setting and halfway through. The younger twin has had “difficulty with defiance” as sometimes he yells no and cries and kicks the classroom furniture. Because he isn’t compliant and does what the teacher says, she says my other twin is an angel even if he acts similarly but listens a bit more, and my younger twin is becoming a problem and it “isn’t normal”. I’ve seen the other boys in his class and other boys in our neighborhood act out as crazy boys 100x worse than my twins but I feel she singles him out because he has his twin brother in the same class and their behavior probably feels magnified for her. The real issue is everyone else who has ever worked with them (sports coaches, developmental nannies, family members), all say that they are just typical boys full of energy. And when I see them in school they seem to do great. Other kids throw things across the room and push each other and the worst my kid has ever done is cry and yell no. But it makes me feel like not every one can handle rambunctious twin toddler boys. Which is fine, but she is making us feel like we are shitty parents and I wonder if it’s actually her inability to handle a kid being a typical 5 year old who doesn’t want to listen sometimes. Like if they don’t listen, she doesn’t like them. I don’t want my kids experience ruined just because someone else doesn’t want them to feel feelings or be tired or grouchy or whatever these random moments are. Or maybe he feels like she doesn’t like him and it is reflecting in his behavior. He says he likes her but maybe he really doesn’t and can feel it, KIDS FEEL IT. I’m so stressed out as I don’t want to blame the teacher but I am so worried that my son will have a hard time because of her.
Is my son’s pre-k teacher unable to handle him? Or is there something wrong with him??
@joerev Teacher here and felt I needed to chime in. First, your sons are not toddlers. It’s important to make that distinction because the behavior we expect from a toddler is very different than from a 5 year old (boy or girl - I’m unclear why their gender matters). Second, I highly doubt their teacher is singling out your son because she doesn’t like him. I’ve had space in my heart for all my students - even the ones that are defiant, kick chairs, and yell no. I also can’t imagine she has trouble handling them because they are twins when she presumably handles groups of students at a time. I’m curious where you’ve observed the other children acting out. Just like adults, we expect and tolerate children to act differently in different settings. A child yelling and running around is obviously okay on the playground, but not in the classroom. If you saw children acting this in the classroom, there is no reason to assume the teacher isn’t communicating with those parents as well. However, it really doesn’t matter. Everyone has bad days but if the teacher is noticing a pattern of defiant behavior in your child then it’s time to meet with her and the principal to see how you can help improve your son’s behavior in school. If other students are also acting this way this late in the school year, it’s possible there is a classroom management issue and having a meeting might help bring that to light and help her get support. I’d go in with an open mind and assume best intentions and that they want the best for your son, just like you do.
@neptune21 The “isn’t normal” was what the preK teacher said. I had a chat with the principal today and she said the teacher is quite emotional in general, so maybe the communication just needs to be improved rather than her only talking about the negative
@joerev Ok, phew! My son goes to a developmental preschool and has a teacher like that. I was confused because his teacher from the last two years never reached out to notify me of any incidents (he's not neurotypical, so I was aware there were issues, but I was under the impression they were at a level expected for the environment). The new teacher has reached out a handful of times and seemed very concerned, which was obviously very concerning to me.
I finally met her in person for the annual IEP meeting, and she was absolutely wonderful. She mentioned one of her granddaughters had similar issues, and my son reminded her of the grandchild. I realized she was a bit more emotional than the previous teacher (who was also amazing), but her concern seemed rooted in her genuine affection for my son.
The last part sounds different from your scenario, but have you spoken with her in person? Either way, I'm glad it sounds like she will get some coaching on communication.
Also, it may be better to have them in different classes in the future, especially if one tends to struggle more in general, not only because of possible disparities in how they are treated, but so the second can grow and develop without comparing himself to his brother.
My son has a twin sister, and between her being a girl and neuro-typical, he can easily come off as the evil twin (I say that jokingly, but the contrast is striking). I am still trying to decide the best option for them in kindergarten next year (if he is in general ed).
I finally met her in person for the annual IEP meeting, and she was absolutely wonderful. She mentioned one of her granddaughters had similar issues, and my son reminded her of the grandchild. I realized she was a bit more emotional than the previous teacher (who was also amazing), but her concern seemed rooted in her genuine affection for my son.
The last part sounds different from your scenario, but have you spoken with her in person? Either way, I'm glad it sounds like she will get some coaching on communication.
Also, it may be better to have them in different classes in the future, especially if one tends to struggle more in general, not only because of possible disparities in how they are treated, but so the second can grow and develop without comparing himself to his brother.
My son has a twin sister, and between her being a girl and neuro-typical, he can easily come off as the evil twin (I say that jokingly, but the contrast is striking). I am still trying to decide the best option for them in kindergarten next year (if he is in general ed).
@neptune21 I wouldn’t use that phrase with a parent, no. I definitely think there are better ways to articulate that!
@rcpolk This is amazing perspective, thank you. It’s hard to separate taking feedback about those you love most as constructive. It was something I was taking personally as the only feedback she gives is negative.. and even when they do great things she only highlights everything they do wrong. Some issues seem trivial to us, like crying when they are upset.. which is pretty age appropriate behavior that might need grown up help to regulate.. and we were wondering if the teacher just can’t handle my twins. I’ve observed the other kids in the classroom as well as parents at times get to help with the class all day. But regardless, your reply helps me realize that maybe she really is struggling with connecting with him in a way that works for her classroom. That makes more sense and makes me more willing to work with her than thinking that it’s simply not a match and maybe they should go somewhere else.
keziachristian
New member
@joerev You made some good points but the biggest 
is how many times you said yourself the one child doesn't listen, kicks furniture, is defiant but rather than acknowledging this is a behavior problem you are rationalizing it with 'he's just a boy', 'everyone thinks he is brilliant', etc etc. His teacher arguably spends more one on one time with him than anyone else and if she is identifying a problem you can give your child the benefit of the doubt AND take her concerns seriously. Not listening to the teacher, kicking furniture and being defiant are behavioral issues that can put your child and other children in danger. No matter what classroom he goes to, it's unacceptable. You seem aware of these issues so that is what is confusing me.
Agree with putting your sons in different classes, but that is secondary to addressing his behavior. It is not the teacher's job to 'handle him'... That's what the parents are for.
is how many times you said yourself the one child doesn't listen, kicks furniture, is defiant but rather than acknowledging this is a behavior problem you are rationalizing it with 'he's just a boy', 'everyone thinks he is brilliant', etc etc. His teacher arguably spends more one on one time with him than anyone else and if she is identifying a problem you can give your child the benefit of the doubt AND take her concerns seriously. Not listening to the teacher, kicking furniture and being defiant are behavioral issues that can put your child and other children in danger. No matter what classroom he goes to, it's unacceptable. You seem aware of these issues so that is what is confusing me.Agree with putting your sons in different classes, but that is secondary to addressing his behavior. It is not the teacher's job to 'handle him'... That's what the parents are for.
@keziachristian I am mostly concerned with the fact that as a parent and in my opinion he’s acting in those ways because of a reason. There is always a reason kids act out.. I’m trying to get to the bottom of that, and not saying it’s ok, but at this age it seems appropriate that they act out when they don’t know how to regulate yet. We are working on it but during that work, do teachers truly thinking that if they act out they are a problem? Rather than if they act out there is something bothering them and try to help them through it? Truly curious as it’s bothering me that the behavior is unacceptable only and not a sign that there is something else being felt by a little person
keziachristian
New member
@joerev Instead of prefacing everything with what you think is okay "in your opinion", you should get the opinion of professionals-- and his teacher is one. She has arguably interacted with more children than you ever will in your life, and if she says your son's behavior is a problem, you need to recognize that trying to normalize it is a form of denial. Best wishes to you.
@joerev He absolutely is acting out for a reason (or reasons). And i bet he feels left out and doesn’t know how to express his feelings with words.
We separated our 5 year old twins this year and it was a game changer.
They both have their own friends. But when they see each other after school, they are so happy to be together.
So much less bickering and explosions when they get home.
We separated our 5 year old twins this year and it was a game changer.
They both have their own friends. But when they see each other after school, they are so happy to be together.
So much less bickering and explosions when they get home.
eternal_life
New member
@joerev Sure, children all develop differently, but I've got 3-year-old twins who DON'T need to be told not to kick furniture, and who will pay attention to their respective authority person in most cases.
One of your children seems to be able to do it, why do you think the other should get to disturb the whole class?!
And stop with the "boys will be boys"-bullshit. Badly socialised children will misbehave, no matter the gender.
Find a way to deal with your child's challenges, maybe ask your pediatrician about it, or give him an outlet for his frustrations, and ffs talk to the teacher who probably sees him more often than you do, anyways.
One of your children seems to be able to do it, why do you think the other should get to disturb the whole class?!
And stop with the "boys will be boys"-bullshit. Badly socialised children will misbehave, no matter the gender.
Find a way to deal with your child's challenges, maybe ask your pediatrician about it, or give him an outlet for his frustrations, and ffs talk to the teacher who probably sees him more often than you do, anyways.
@eternal_life Truly curious if your twins are girls or boys?
@joerev Not the original commenter, but my twin 4 year old boys also don't have these behavioral issues. Sure they have tantrums sometimes. But not like what you have described here. Just another experience with the same set of genitals, since for some reason that seems critical to you. Our niece was always more energetic and intense than they were.
Edit: since you truly seem uncomfortable with the situation - probably worth another discussion with the teacher to find out what exact behaviors she finds developmentally appropriate and if an evaluation is recommended. Call their bluff and see if she backtracks or truly seems concerned. If she is, that's probably enough to check it out. And if it's nothing, awesome. If it is something that could benefit from some kind of intervention, good to find out now.
Edit: since you truly seem uncomfortable with the situation - probably worth another discussion with the teacher to find out what exact behaviors she finds developmentally appropriate and if an evaluation is recommended. Call their bluff and see if she backtracks or truly seems concerned. If she is, that's probably enough to check it out. And if it's nothing, awesome. If it is something that could benefit from some kind of intervention, good to find out now.
@mcasabona Also not the original commenter, but my 3.5 year olds are both boys too. They also started school (pre-school) for the first time this year and are in the same class.
We had some transition issues at the beginning of the school year, not wanting to switch activities or come in from the playground etc, but not hitting/kicking. They do occasionally have bad days, but things generally resolved in the first month or so of school.
It doesn’t sound like the teacher doesn’t like him, it sounds like his behavior is not typical for his age. I’d set up a meeting with the teacher to get the specifics (exact behaviors, frequency, duration, etc) and her, again specific, concerns surrounding the behavior so you can get an evaluation set up.
We had some transition issues at the beginning of the school year, not wanting to switch activities or come in from the playground etc, but not hitting/kicking. They do occasionally have bad days, but things generally resolved in the first month or so of school.
It doesn’t sound like the teacher doesn’t like him, it sounds like his behavior is not typical for his age. I’d set up a meeting with the teacher to get the specifics (exact behaviors, frequency, duration, etc) and her, again specific, concerns surrounding the behavior so you can get an evaluation set up.
@elle1975 Ah! This is great. It has been hard to talk to other parents who don’t have multiples and expect them to truly understand. I mean they probably understand perfectly fine, but when life gets crazy and it’s a lot to juggle, we feel like people may have good intentions, but maybe their perspective would change if they have twins or triplets or more. However, reading all of these comments, even if opinions are different, really do help us put things into perspective. I now feel less stressed about the personal part of wanting to find a better matched teacher and more inspired to work WITH the teacher
healedinchrist275
New member
@joerev you need to stop thinking about your kids as just twins, and think about them as separate people. it doesn't change or negate other's experiences with children's behavior if they don't have twins, and it doesn't change the teacher's experience with them. honestly you seem weirdly focused on them being boys and being twins as a way to excuse away everything. they are two people, treat them as such.
and before you start using it as a way to ignore me, i have twin boys. screaming no at a teacher, kicking furniture and throwing things around the room was not something either of them ever did (and one is ND), and is not "just boys being boys" which is a toxic way of looking at behavior.
and before you start using it as a way to ignore me, i have twin boys. screaming no at a teacher, kicking furniture and throwing things around the room was not something either of them ever did (and one is ND), and is not "just boys being boys" which is a toxic way of looking at behavior.