Is it weird that my ex and I say “love you” to each other?

[skupi]

We have two sons together and have been coparenting for 8 years. We got together as teenagers and were together for 8 years. We married, had babies, the whole bit. We just didn’t workout in the end. We’ve always been close but his last girlfriend changed that. They were a mess. They were together over 4 years. She’s gone now and he and I get to be close again. I have a bf that I absolutely adore and have an amazing relationship with. With getting close with my kids dad again we do say a lot of nice things to each other. I tell him he’s the best dad ever. I tell him whoever he ends up with is a lucky woman. I tell him he’s one of my best friends, bc he is. He tells me I’m the best and I’m beautiful. I’ve told him I love him, bc I do! He’s family! We have the same kids lol I love him like a brother essentially. He’ll always be in my life and I have no hard feelings against him. I pray he meets a woman that is everything to him, he deserves that kind of love. He tells me he’s happy for me that I have a good boyfriend and I’m happy. Is this friendship/relationship okay? We have never had anything emotional or physical since we broke up. I just care for that man and want the most for him in life

 

[luckycharmwa]

@skupi “Love” is a deep word that doesn’t have a single meaning.

For example;

Eros (sexual passion)

Philia (deep friendship)

Ludus (playful love)

Agape (love for everyone)

Pragma (longstanding love)

Philautia (love of the self)

Storge (family love)

Mania (obsessive love)

When you say “love you” to the man who fathered your children, people might assume you’re talking about romantic love. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case for you.

Do I care about the wellbeing of the father of my kids? Yes. Because him doing well directly impacts my children.

Would I ever say “love you” to him these days? No.

So is it weird? To me, yes. But I’m not in your relationship. If it’s not weird to you and your significant others, then keep doing you.

 

[skupi]

@luckycharmwa Thank you for your thoughtful response! My boyfriend doesn’t know I’ve said this, and I guess that’s what led me to make the post. I considered maybe it’s inappropriate. I don’t think my bf would even care honestly, especially knowing me he knows I am big on telling people you love them and he is the opposite. It’s not that he doesn’t love me or others, he just doesn’t freely express it verbally.

 

[adriennelisa]

@skupi I personally find it weird and would never say it to my ex (but also do not love him at all), and would be very bothered if my partner said it to his ex.

I have a hard time understanding how people can have kids with their exes and still love them, but not want to remain a couple/family unit. Can you explain why you're not together despite your admiration for him?

 

[skupi]

@adriennelisa If it helps, we broke up after our second son. I was a stay at home mom and he worked a pretty demanding job. I’ve always been understanding about how hard he worked. On weekends he would ask to go ride dirt bikes, id stay home with the kids. As I always did. I found out once he was lying about working late and was instead riding his dirt bike. He just wasn’t ready to be a family man.

I tell people I divorced him over the trash. We lived in a second story apartment and I had two babies and a dog to take care of. I’d handled everything in the home as far as cleaning but the trash I wanted him to do. It was always piled high, he wouldn’t do it. The kids were needy and the house was dirty, he got on my case. For me I would rather be single and handle everything than be with someone who didn’t value what I brought to the table. I am thrilled to take my own trash out now. I feel free. On his end, I know he has regrets, I know he wished he took that trash out more.

 

[boy243]

@skupi This is the beginning of a really good book. Or maybe the end. I don’t know. But it’s something. Write it!

 

[skupi]

@boy243 It’s called “The trouble with” and there’s three parts. The trouble with love, the trouble with family, the trouble with friends.

 

[skupi]

@boy243 I actually have a book series in my head about my life. It’s been a wild ride lol

 

[skupi]

@adriennelisa I can try! We got together when we were teens. We grew up to be such different people! He loves dirt bikes and guns and the country sort of life. I don’t dislike those things but I love EDM/dubstep music and festivals and traveling (he refuses to get on a plane) and I just have a thirstier thirst for life. Neither is wrong or right. We’re just different. As he’s a handsome man, but I am so weirdly monogamous I can only feel attracted to one person. It’s not him. I don’t have a physical attraction to him anymore

 

[platinum12]

@adriennelisa I still love my ex but he doesn't love me so our family unit is broken.

 

[ctabb]

@skupi Me and my daughter’s father have a good coparenting relationship but would never ever say love you to each other.
If I were the girlfriend, I would be so upset and that would be hard to get over. Him calling you beautiful, you saying love you, I have a bf and I think it’s completely inappropriate but that’s just me.

 

[columns]

@ctabb Yeah I'd be really upset if my GF told her ex "I love you", regardless of the context. Even if it was just a "friendly love".

 

[ctabb]

@columns Right?!

 

[ian74]

@skupi It’s cool that it’s not weird for you but I am guessing it would be weird for a new partner. If you want him to find love like you say, it wouldn’t hurt for you to step back a bit and give him some emotional space to find it.

 

[jpbdos]

@ian74 This

 

[secondstoryempires]

@skupi In total honesty this the level you describe above where he’s calling you beautiful and you’re saying he’s your best friend would be marriage shattering for me as a stepmum. It would take a shit load of therapy to come back from.

I think partially because of the sheer heart and soul I’ve put into our blended family and being a good stepparent. To find out my husband and BM were speaking like this to each other would feel like they had a cruel secret on me.

Secondly, because my husband and I are obsessed with each other and with the stability of our own child’s family unit. We would never undercut it by being emotionally intimate with exes in this way (in any way really).

Now, it is nice when he wishes her a happy Mother’s Day or thanks her for being a good mum or coparent. Me and BM wish each other happy Mother’s Day and all that as well.

My question is what do you think your partner would do/feel if he saw this?

 

[skupi]

@secondstoryempires I don’t think he’d care much tbh. Hes always trusted me and knows I am obsessed with him and that I don’t feel anything romantic for my ex. Hes not the jealous type at all

 

[secondstoryempires]

@skupi I trust my husband too. I trust he’s not telling his ex she’s beautiful and that he loves her.

Why don’t you try him?

 

[katrina2017]

@skupi My ex tried starting this shit. I shut that down real quick.
It is quite weird for a new partner, and also quite unnecessary. I do get that you guys are friends and that's actually awesome, but I would recommend toning it down a bit for future partners and stuff.

Just my opinion.

 

[jacquelinelouise92]

@skupi If he were to redirect this to a new woman in his life—if the “you’re beautiful” and “I love you” comments were reserved for a girlfriend or wife, but he continued to be friendly and kind to you—would you experience a sense of romantic loss or would you feel happy for his romantic good fortune? Would you regard this woman as a competitor, or would you welcome her as a sister to you and recognize her as his primary partner, the most important woman in his life? If this doesn’t make your breath catch, I can believe that this is healthy for both of you. If it does, I worry that you may be acting on a lingering romantic connection or desire to be the primaries in one another’s lives. It’s hard to loosen that connection enough to make room for new loves and remain close, and maybe you’ve succeeded, but I worry that you blame his ex for the previous distance in your relationship. It may be that your intimacy needs to diminish for him to have room to bring someone in and I think a sister would understand that.

If there is a lingering connection or you desire to come first in his life, you two need to figure out how to handle that before he finds a serious relationship. The continuity of your happy coparenting relationship may depend on it.