Is it time for a divorce?

M

margrethe

New member
Partly venting, partly interested to hear other people's perspectives.

The relationships dynamic has been "tElL mE wHaT yOu nEed fRoM mE." Except when I do, he ignores me or throws a hissy fit, so my options are to give up or let the anger build up until I explode and it's back to "well I'm so surprised, you didn't tell me what you need from me."

I have a toddler and a newborn. I'm fighting a bout of mastitis and have to spell out to him that I need rest and help because I'm very sick. I took care of both kids on my own while he slept in. I made lunch for everyone. He couldn't be bothered to make me a plate. "But you didn't tell me what you need from me!"

I used to do all the laundry, shopping, and dishes/cleanup but realized I was enabling him, so I stopped. It sort of worked... It forced him to share the load on everything except the dishes and cleanup. I've given up telling him he needs to clean up after himself so there's a constant pile of dirty dishes and cups or food crumbs from his meals. I was resigned to it until I saw my toddler trying to eat yesterday's food crumbs that he couldn't be bothered to clean up. I knew conceptually we're not modeling a relationship I want any of my children to be in, but for some reason this really drove the point home.

I think it boils down to me wishing that he cared enough about me and the kids without needing to be told. These span things as little as cleaning up after themselves to things as big as doing the work of raising biracial kids in a racist world. At this point, I don't see him being able to change. No amount of "just communicate more!" is going to make him suddenly intrinsically care for others. I've been doing solo therapy for years and the amount of time spent talking with my therapist about this relationship is unfair (when do I get to actually take care of myself??). We had a few abortive attempts at couple's therapy; they just didn't click with us and he wasn't interested in continuing or finding another therapist. It would seem divorce is a no-brainer but I'm worried about finances.

While I earn more than he does from working in toxic companies that pay well, it's not sustainable for my mental health (I actually got PPD/PPA triggered by a toxic manager). My plan was to not return to my current toxic job after mat leave, and return to work after the baby is older. Now I feel pressured to stay at this job (and even in this marriage) so I have some financial safety net.

On the flip side, while he earns less than me, he actually is wealthier, thanks to having a trust fund that's divorce proof and access to daddy's money (which has translated to lucrative investments and reinvestments... Wealth begets wealth). If a divorce gets acrimonious he can absolutely bankrupt me. And there's a part of me that worries divorcing means my kids won't get access to his resources. Who's to say he won't try to have a redo family and concentrate on them?

Thanks if you've gotten this far. I'm tired and mildly delirious. Sorry for the rambling rant. All I know for sure is I'm going to teach my daughter that if a guy says, "tell me what you need from me," that means, "you might as well be single."

Edit: Thanks for all the supportive comments and stories, from both the pro and con column. To be clear, though, it's not about the Iranian yogurt, I mean, crumbs. It's about having the intrinsic motivation to meet some very low expectations.

Edit 2: lmfao how many men are lurking here? You is thirsty. You is sad. You is on the wrong app.

Edit 3: Seriously, thanks for all the good comments. I'm trying to catch up. Even if I don't 100 percent agree or relate to everyone's point-of-view/experiences (working mothers are a multitude), I appreciate people coming in with the spirit of being supportive (I'm even upvoting you when you disagree and are arguing with each other lol).
 
@margrethe Whatever you decide about divorce or not - don’t step out of the workforce. It will limit your choices at a time when you’re already feeling limited due to finances.
 
@kywy I second this. I’m going through a divorce right now and I thank God I have a job. Schedule a few consultations with lawyers and see what they say.

Also, while money is tight for me right now (I’m not receiving any child support). My peace of mind has been worth it. Trust me it’s stressful (especially since he’s pulled a couple of colossal douche canoe moves.) but, I love my life again. I have hope for my future. Even though I don’t have anything monetarily. Edited to add. I moved into a one bedroom with my kid. I Opened my own checking account and separated finances. So if you can look at prices for the cheapest apartments you can find. Write out a budget for you if you had to cover everything.
 
@kywy I work in tech, am fairly senior, and am extremely specialized. Many of my peers with similar backgrounds have needed at least a year to find jobs, and they don't even have kids.

However, staying at my job is untenable. When I told my manager I was pregnant, her response was she had concerns, needed to speak to her manager, and the company is not a good place for people with young children. I half thought she'd find a way to fire me before mat leave (she didn't). All in all, the normal thing of "find a job before you quit" isn't going to work because I won't last long at this job, I'm on mat leave and don't have a lot of time/energy to search for a job, and the tech environment is awful.

Given how bonkers tech has been, nobody looks askance at resume gaps any more. If anything, taking any old job is worse than having a resume gap given how specialized my field is. Having a mat leave sabbatical on its face wouldn't have been so bad.

But, looking at the whole picture, it's nerve-wracking. I'm not sure how I can look for a job in a bad job market while being stressed about finances, navigating a divorce, and doing some degree of solo parenting. So that points to staying in this job, except for the reasons I raised above. I'm not sure how I thread this needle.
 
@margrethe You need to go out on disability after your maternity leave and use that extended time to find another job. Though your background is specialized aren’t there opportunities in the broader field? You can always exclude a job from your resume if you’re worried about it. A secret job that pays your bills, is not toxic and is not on your resume is an option. Right? Disability is an option, right? And staying married for 2-3 more years seems like an option if you change what you think your marriage is for. If you stop treating your marriage as a marriage and use it as a strategic platform to building your worth nd securing your future then maybe the mind shift reframe can help you endure a bit longer. Can you start siphoning money from your husband? Can you create a big expense/debt and squirrel that money away? Can you bring him to the table to negotiate a post nuptial agreement that pays a flat sum per child? Can you agree right now to put some financial assets in a trust for your kids? Can you develop anxiety about the kids futures and require that he fully fund their 529s asap? Can you convince him to support your effort in ‘opening a business’ and use that startup money as your start fresh fund? Just being creative here! Don’t be afraid to play dirty. He’s playing dirty too.
 
@kolinfarrel Absolutely. Marriage is about love, but it is also a business arrangement. OP should be benefitting too. Sounds like her husband is reaping the rewards of her free labor when it comes to the kids/home, but she's not getting any of the financial benefits from him.
 
@jusbnme6
Don't be afraid to play dirty. He's playing dirty too.
Click to expand...

Lol, appreciate the pun! But also I like these tips on the mind shift reframe. So gathering suggestions across comments, it sounds like I should
  1. Find a financial advisor and figure out how much $ I need (including for the ideas you've mentioned above)
  2. Shop for a lawyer
  3. Couple's therapy. Maybe we use it to save the marriage, or more likely we use it as separation counseling so we can make this less acrimonious (= less costly) and have a amicable divorce.
(Disability might be tricky because I haven't been in this role for a year so I didn't qualify for FMLA and company policies are that STD are used concurrently with their parental leave)
 
@jusbnme6 Please look into this OP! My sister was laid off from a well known tech company while pregnant. After using up her severance and disability post birth she’s been able to be on disability for PPA for several months now and is just now starting to look for a new job. If you are in CA (making assumptions due to tech job) there actually is a pretty substantial social safety net for you.
 
@margrethe Could you do a bit of freelance work while between jobs? I’m in tech too and agree with everything you’re saying about the job market right now. I’m just starting a new job after 11 months of unemployment and sabbatical. The almost year gap didn’t stop me from getting tons of interviews.
 
@veilmenacex Hey fellow tech survivor! I freelanced as a fractional chief scientist between my last job and this one. I'm open to doing it again but have to admit I got lucky with stumbling on that one... I have no clue how to actually get freelance roles. Any tips would be appreciated!
 
@margrethe I work in big tech and I can 100% relate to the stress you mentioned. It seems your relationship is making it worse for you. I’m not telling you to divorce but with work, you at least have incentive to keep working. The relationship is not worth staying imo. My husband and I share equally in terms of household chores and we have twins, he never thinks it’s my job to take care of family while working full time.
 
@margrethe Idk, I bring my own biases into this issue.

What if you said, “neither of us seem to have energy to clean the house adequately especially the dishes, it’s been going on like for a while, it is impacting my family’s well-being. So what do you think about budgeting in a housekeeper or parent helper a couple of hours a day?”

If he has money, would he go for something like this? He can stay lazy. You can get help. And you maintain control of your kids 24-7, without custody battles…
 
@michaelo He's extremely resistant to paying for help (it took me FOREVER to convince him to hire regular cleaners) but I could try. He'd make me split it 50/50 with him but I suppose that's better than making me split my assets 50/50 with him (since his assets are secure).

Or maybe this is the year I finally have us do a review of our income and liquid assets and say we shouldn't be splitting everything 50/50 when he has far more assets than I do.

That said, this kind of misses the point. It's not just about the mess. It's that he's inconsiderate in all ways, little and big. Crumbs are just more visible manifestations.
 
@margrethe What 50% did he contribute to physically carrying and birthing his child?

These 50/50 dudes only want to do the math when it benefits them.
 
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