Is it really slut shaming?

[signsofthetimes]

My 16 year old recently earned access to social media knowing we monitor it and have full access to his account. He met a girl on Instagram about 8 hours ago. Since they started talking they progressed to boyfriend girlfriend, full on I Love YoUs, but seemingly first the kid sent my son not only NUDES but graphic videos of her …pleasuring herself. I know this because when I did a phone check this evening he had deleted the chat, told her they couldn’t send nudes because he didn’t want to get in trouble, then went on to compliment her in EXTREME detail on every bit of the videos and pics she’d sent. SMH.

I’m not an authoritative style parent. I also believe in giving kids enough structure to safely make mistakes and learn their own lessons. But y’all, I can’t with this. I feel like my kid has a ‘daddy issues’ magnet when it comes to teen girls. He doesn’t drive so any dates they’d have would be facilitated by us.

TL;DR - Teen girl sent my son videos fingering herself within hours of ‘meeting him’ online and I don’t want him dating her.

 

[kalulabelle]

@signsofthetimes Honestly it's much more likely that your kid is getting scammed or catfished. That exchange and how quickly it progressed is extremely sketchy. I have an almost 17 yr old daughter and they aren't even really on instagram (snapchat is the social media of choice). You might want to investigate further.

 

[signsofthetimes]

@kalulabelle I’m 99.999% sure it’s a real girl, as they have a common friend who talked to both of them as an introduction. She also mentioned her mother was a cop - which makes me super worried about child porn charges.

 

[kalulabelle]

@signsofthetimes Mentioning her mother is a cop doesn’t mean anything - it could be a way for the person to gain trust. Ditto on knowing the other friend unless they’ve met in real life.

You should look into some of the common Instagram scams perpetrated on teens: https://www.fox29.com/news/local-au...-that-attempts-to-blackmail-teen-boys-men.amp

 

[signsofthetimes]

@kalulabelle They went to the same middle school but I will def read that article because I’ve had some really smart people get catfished!

 

[kalulabelle]

@signsofthetimes Ok that’s different and I’m glad you know who the girl is. I’m still always careful in these situations because you never know if the person you’re chatting with is who they say they are. It’s so easy to hide! Good luck!

 

[signsofthetimes]

@kalulabelle It’s a great point and I definitely hadn’t even considered it. He said he didn’t send anything (and I do believe him) so that’s good!

 

[dlcfsm]

@signsofthetimes Unfortunately some girls associate love with sex. She is young so she probably has been with or talked to guys before that have expected this behavior from her. As long as u are honest with ur son about boundaries, trust and sex there really shouldn't be an issue for HIM. However, for her the only thing u can do is let ur son be a good partner and make sure he is still respectful towards her. Girls act oversexual because they believe sometimes that is what guys want. It's sad but they don't always understand because they are so young. But if u are worried about child porn then definitely have a conversation with ur son. Let him know its illegal since neither of them (depending on the state u live in) can consent since they are underage. And the second one of them turns 18, one of them can be sent to jail for stagetory rape. So just talk to ur son about actions and consequences and doing things that he may or may not be ready for.

 

[julia13]

@signsofthetimes Focus on your own kid..and leave the girl alone. She obviously has enough issues in her life to contend with if she has come to the conclusion that this is reasonable behavior.

Again, focus on YOUR kid.

 

[signsofthetimes]

@julia13 You’re right and if her parent/guardian isn’t checking her phone it’s unlikely me notifying them will change anything. I think I still want things to be like my hometown, where all the parents helped each other out. The whole ‘village’ thing, you know?

 

[starrfairy]

@signsofthetimes Once you are calm, I would sit down and talk about red flags on social media, as well as red flags on social media. Find some sources geared for teens and ask him to read them over, and then you'll talk.

This sounds more like someone using a porn clip to catfish him than this being a real teenager (or could even be a real teenager who is being sex trafficked).

Talk about the difference between infatuation and love, but don't downplay the power of infatuation or say it's not real... it can be very real but that doesn't mean it is lasting, and often our judgement can get clouded when we're experiencing the very real, strong pull of infatuation. Be clear that this can happen to adults of any age.

Tell him he did the right thing by deleting the message. That helps protect himself AND the girl (if she's a real girl) from child pornography charges. Also caution against sending any contact information that can be used to steel his identity, or any kind of money. Possibly look up common scam scenarios, so you can all be aware of the tricks scammers use.

So far your kid has been responsible. Focus on that in your discussion. Don't villainize the girl... she COULD be a real teenager in REAL trouble, just help show him what red flags to look out for, and stress that adults have to be careful about these things, too.

 

[signsofthetimes]

@starrfairy I’m 99.99% sure she’s real but who knows these days?! He saw that she had commented on a mutual friends picture and contacted her. The mutual friend knows her IRL so I’m assuming it’s not someone who’s impersonating the girl. She has sent a bunch of teen typical photos. He has a middle school yearbook somewhere - I should try to find it.

I worry about all these kids and I struggle with wanting to find the parent and let them know what’s going on - that whole ‘village’ thing. But I also worry that they’ll flip out and villainize MY kid.

We’ve had the talk about infatuation, lust and love many times. He’s autistic and struggles with impulse control so we’ve gotten professional counseling, too. His last therapist did a good job getting him to think about what he wants from a relationship and I know she touched on infatuation (this is an ongoing issue but it feels different now that they’re 16). I think you saying it reinforces that we need to keep up that talk and just chalk this up to him not being ready yet. Thank you!

 

[starrfairy]

@signsofthetimes It sounds like you have things covered. I wouldn't necessarily say he's not ready yet... he is getting a learning experience of what that infatuation can actually feel like, rather than in the abstract. And experimenting through texting/words is safer than if they were in person. You can set boundaries on meetings, but I would hesitate to forbid contact, as that might push him to go much further, without including your input at all.

 

[signsofthetimes]

@starrfairy I think you’re right. It’s been my experience that the strictest parents don’t have the most obedient kids, just the sneakiest. He’s done this same thing over and over again since 7th grade . It can be exhausting.

 

[starrfairy]

@signsofthetimes Parenting is exhausting! It sounds like you're doing wonderfully.

I feel like I've somehow managed to dodge a bullet so far with my teens, as so far nothing has gone beyond some crushes and messaging. We've done a lot of talking, but I haven't been plunged into the deep end, yet! (Now I need to find some wood to knock on, lol!)

 

[signsofthetimes]

@starrfairy Yeah, my first go round w a high schooler went a lot smoother. This second one is gonna be the death of me! It’s a long story, but I’m not his bio mom. She left and I’ve been his primary female parent for the past 8 years. He deals with maternal abandonment issues (but hasn’t gotten to where he realizes that yet) and it’s heart breaking. I do NOT understand how people can leave their kids!

 

[feargodnotthem]

@signsofthetimes You sound like you parents similar to me. I agree with you wholeheartedly there

 

[feargodnotthem]

@signsofthetimes If she truly is from the same school as he is or you know what school she goes to, I would encourage you to contact the school. That girl may need some help in her home life

 

[lonely]

@signsofthetimes It sounds like he’s not ready for social media if he’s falling head over heels for a girl and gets straight into legally perilous sexual content within 8 hours of meeting. This girl could be anyone. I saw on a different reply that they have a mutual friend IRL. I would bet money it’s the “mutual” friend catfishing to either embarrass him or to flirt with him. It’s easy enough to Google and figure out. Try reverse Google searches on her IG photos.

But let’s assume she is a real teenage girl who is very forward. As an adult who has been made aware, you have a tangential responsibility to care for this child’s safety. Explain to your son that this is a dangerous behavior for her because for all she knows, he could be a 55 year old pedo. Don’t say it’s a red flag, like she has daddy issues. That’s not fair and you’re only teaching your son to slut shame and devalue a woman because she is sexually active. Don’t forget that your son participated and encouraged her behavior, and I’m sure he’s a good kid.

 

[signsofthetimes]

@lonely I’m 99.999% sure she’s real. It’s not uncommon behavior given the kind of girls he’s seeking out and he’s had a chain of girlfriends we’ve met in real life that were similar situations. Plus they’ve also been FaceTiming.

I really do think the other kids mom needs to know, but am I worried it’ll turn on my son in a bad way. We’ve had bad experiences ‘doing right’ by other ppl where parents blew up and blamed my son. Plus, if he actually IS lying about sending pics that could easily blow up on him.