Is it madness to have another baby at 42-43?

[simcarter88]

@johnl1153 It is madness, but we love madness! My second is 18 months old and I had him in my early 40s. Honestly, the hardest part has been the sleepless nights since he was born. I developed gestational diabetes and had some pelvic pain towards the end of the 3rd trimester, but the pregnancy was otherwise uneventful. I was super fit before conceiving, but had to deliver via c-section and struggled a bit to recover postpartum. Now all is well again and we are going strong trying to get another one. My first pregnancy was in my 20s, it was physically easier to recover, but harder in other ways. In my area it's super common to be pregnant in your 40s, so if that's your concern, don't sweat it!

 

[johnl1153]

@simcarter88 Thanks so much for sharing xxx
Where is that area you live? I’m so scared of the health risks associated I suppose. Was your delivery experience something you’d like to share?

 

[simcarter88]

@johnl1153 No problem! I'm in the SF Bay Area. You are right, there are risks, but I got extra attention throughout my prenatal care because of my age. We also chose to do all the genetic tests and all the diagnostic tests offered within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy and were lucky that everything was ok. I ate extremely well and exercised throughout the entire pregnancy, so the gestational diabetes was fully controlled without medication. I should have been a bit more diligent about pelvic floor exercises early on, but I know that now in case I manage to get pregnant again.

I delivered through a scheduled C-section at 39 weeks as my OB didn't think I was a good candidate to attempt vaginal delivery. The delivery itself was uneventful, but my incision opened a few hours later and I got a hospital-acquired infection, but this had nothing to do with my age, just bad luck. So, I can't speak about how a normal C-section recovery would be for someone my age, because I had complications that got me mostly bedridden for over 4 weeks, where I lost a lot of muscle mass (and physical strength). All of that while attempting to establish breastfeeding, pumping, keeping my newborn alive, while having only my husband for help and support.

There are no guarantees, but for me pregnancy and delivery were as textbook as they could be for someone my age. The postpartum complications were just unrelated bad luck. My baby was born strong and fully healthy, hitting all of his milestones along the way. He is such a happy and funny toddler and such a great addition to our family, that I am trying very hard right now to go through all of it again.

 

[katie1987]

@simcarter88 May I ask how old you are? I am mid-forties now officially and regretting hard not having second or at least trying soon after having my only at 42. We have some eggs on ice from before I met my husband so thinking hard about going for it…but the social stigma, being even older when second kid leaves nest, costs, risks, etc have given me pause.

 

[simcarter88]

@katie1987 About to turn 44 soon. I really wish I had collected young eggs like you did. I intended to retrieve some when I was 41, but I showed up to my fertility appointment already 6 weeks pregnant, so now I have aging eggs of dubious quality, which might or not result in a healthy little human.

Actually, I got the most side eyes when people learned that I was leaving my career to stay home with my baby, and not for being older. We had lots of fears about complications and potential disabilities, and we ARE scared of not seeing our toddler graduate highschool, but that's a fear that younger parents have too. We tackled every single worry we had with the best option available to us, and I feel that we are finally fit to be good parents and have some quality of life to offer to our current family and potential future additions.

This is a super personal decision, and it comes with consequences, so not to be taken lightly. Do whatever makes sense to your family. The points that you mentioned are important, but try to remove the weight that stigma and societal expectations would have on your decision process, as it doesn't really matter much nowadays in the big scheme of things.

 

[katie1987]

@simcarter88 I wish I had remembered the eggs were an option a couple years ago. I really didn’t want to have to go IVF route and I was scared over all about age related risks and feeling superstitious that we got one perfect one in my forties conceived without assistance (found out i was pregnant day before going into put down deposit for IVF.) I was confident one and done was the sensible and right thing for our family.

Thank you for sharing more and for the thoughtful reply. It makes me feel a little less crazy that there are other older mamas out there in a similar spot. Who have weighed it all and are moving in a direction that feels right for them. None of my mom friends are in quite the same spot, and husbands can only get so much of it. Best of luck on your path.

 

[simcarter88]

@katie1987 We mature and our plans change. I understand the superstition and the fear of jinxing our chances of conceiving for openly talking about it, the fear of feeling ridiculed for failing, the fear of things going wrong with an actual pregnancy, the fear of loss and having to make tough decisions. But no, you are not alone. There are many of us out here!

Give yourself a pat on the back for freezing those eggs early on. You've given yourself options! I wish you luck and happiness on your journey too!

 

[paulgilldrums]

@johnl1153 My good friend is pregnant w her second at 43, had her first at 40. I had my first at 37, now 40 next month and trying for a second.

 

[cravenjack]

@johnl1153 I’m thinking about the comments folks are making about a kid of 40+ year old parents having to care for elderly parents while also having kids. I think this can be offset by good care planning, honest conversations, and estate planning. Surely folks who have kids in their 40s are in a better financial position than folks who have kids in their 20s. Further, those kids will benefit from the parents’ emotional maturity.

Ultimately, I don’t think it’s crazy! I’d go into it with a keen awareness of the potential emotional toll (miscarriages/birth defects leading to hard decisions) and connect with a therapist in anticipation. I’d also begin thinking about medical/financial/elder care planning sooner than later. At the same time, I think the planning should apply to everyone who has kids, regardless of age, as part of our responsibility to them, so maybe I’ve convinced myself it’s not so different. Ha!

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

@johnl1153 Honestly I see a lot of people online writing about how selfish it is to have a baby at 42 but somehow 38 is the perfect age. People are trying to psychologically shrink the fertile window and for what even is the reason? I know tons of women who had kids in their 40s. I have low AMH so if I wasn’t (probably) going to run out of egg by then, I would do it too.

 

[rocknrolltee]

@rejoiceinfaith lol! So true they make like anything over 40 is horrid but 38/39 perfectly fine

 

[ashiedu]

@johnl1153 Not at all. I’m about to turn 40 and using eggs I froze at 34 to have a sibling for my son. As long as you are healthy

 

[johnl1153]

@ashiedu Thankyou so much xxx

 

[ashiedu]

@johnl1153 Good luck! Not sure how mine will turn out since it is eggs, but we will see. Lots of pregnancies into the 40s I have heard of.

 

[1johnboy1]

@johnl1153 I had my first at your age. Chances are, everything will be fine. I reminded myself of this often during my pregnancy. There is an increase in risk but the statistics are still in your favor. It’s not too late unless you feel like it is. I live in a large city and have a great community of women my age with the same age kids and I don’t feel alone or out of place at all.

 

[johnl1153]

@1johnboy1 That’s very encouraging Thankyou….did you cope okay? Do you have more than one?

 

[1johnboy1]

@johnl1153 Yes I was nervous but everything went well. I had a second a few years later. I think Reddit tends to skew away from having kids in general so you might not get very much feedback from people like me but I’d go for it.

 

[johnl1153]

@1johnboy1 That is SUPER helpful. Thankyou so much for letting me know that! May I message you at some point?

 

[1johnboy1]

@johnl1153 Yes you can, I’m happy to help you.

 

[totemism]

@johnl1153 I don't think the age gap is a problem, there's no ideal age gap imo! And if you're healthy and fit, then your risk of complications in pregnancy may well be lower than some people in their 30s.

That being said, if you do have another, you need to be prepared for the increased possibility that the child may have Down's Syndrome. You need to make sure you're on the same page with your partner what you want to do in this case. Unfortunately, risk does start to climb sharply after about the age of 35.