Is it a FTM thing? A singleton thing? A personality thing?

[goblue24]

We had some family, friends, and friends of the family over for our twins baptism, they're 3.5 months. Afterwards one of my childhood friends wife struck up a conversation with me.

Her: I noticed the babies heads are looking a little...flat

Me: Oh yeah, they're going to be helmet kids, going to get everything going at their appointment this month.

H: Well, [first born] had one also and had issues with his arm pulling back.

M: That was the first thing the doctor checked when we noticed it starting, they have full range in all directions. I'm just alone with them 12 hours a day, can't hold them both supportivly upright at the same time, lol, twins right?

H: Well I just wanted to let you know puts hand on my shoulder and starts to make very intense eye contact it's not your fault.

Then it started to get kinda weird, and I won't write it all out for sake of time and relevancy, but she really wanted me to know it wasn't my fault. And I understand she said she really had a hard time feeling like it was hers when her first born needed the helmet, especially as a first time mom. I feel like it was one of those things that she wished someone had said it all to her and wanted to help a FTM out. But also it got to the point that when I responded with the inevitable explanation that lead us here she didn't really acknowledge it and just kept repeating herself.

I also started to get the vibe that she thought i was saving face with my explanation, but also not using it as a talking point about how the situation is just part of parenting two. For some reason the lack of her making any mention of twins being different, just that it wasnt my fault, kinda felt weird.Then it almost seemed like she was trying to make me feel bad about not feeling bad, if that makes sense.

I know it all had good intentions and I did get a lot of good information from her, I do enjoy her as a person and she is an awesome mom and wife. As I write this out it kind of makes me realize her basically ignoring the twins element and understanding that while I'm not happy for their helmet future I don't feel bad at all, kind of bugged me.

Am I over thinking it as that? I've heard of singleton parents 'not getting it' when it comes to multiples and is that all this is?

Sorry if that was rambling at all, very tired, because you know, lol twins.

 

[chryslee09]

@goblue24 My stepsister does this! I think as a FTM as a singleton there's a lot more mommy guilt in the parenting community. In twin-land we are much more supportive and realistic, and I think you quickly internalize that you're doing your best to do the best you can. So sometimes she will give me these pep talks and while they are very nice, I don't really need it? But I still appreciate the kindness.

 

[johnvladimir]

@chryslee09 Yeah, I think some of this is going on.

With twins, a lot of parenting choices are closed off to us, so you don’t agonize about what you should
be doing but aren’t. We get a lot of external validation from doctors, lactation consultants, strangers that we are doing amazing, and there’s a lot of understanding if we aren’t doing everything to the APA recommendations.

I think singleton parents get a lot more judgement and shaming than we do.

 

[goblue24]

@chryslee09 This is very much true! I've basically stopped hanging out in singleton parenting community's because it's just...a lot. A lot of judgement, a lot of (what I hope is) miscommunication or not getting the point of the conversation, people seem to push the guilt.

It's that idea that encouragement and support is always great but after a while you start to think "Do they think I really need to hear this? Wait, why do they think that? WAIT, WHT DO THEY THINK THAT?" lol

 

[chryslee09]

@goblue24 Honestly, so much weird shit in parenting communities. The vibe just feels like if you aren't miserable, you aren't doing enough. Do more! Set your self worth and comfort on fire to be The Best Mom. I really hate it! I try and keep everything in perspective and roll with the punches, so I really have to avoid these kinds of conversations, they really throw me off my groove!

 

[ericboetius]

@chryslee09 I really have to limit my exposure to parenting groups regardless of whether they're geared towards parents of multiples or singletons or whatever. People don't tend to take time out of their day just to let folks know that things are going really well (but God bless the ones that do, they're saints).

There was once a post in here from someone who just found out they were having multiples looking for general advice. Someone told them, "Don't let the internet steal your joy." That's been my mantra ever since I saw it.

 

[simluk]

@goblue24 I think singleton parents just don’t get it.

Only one of my twins needed a helmet and a friend of mine, like a month after my son was done with his helmet, called to tell me her cousin who also had twins had to get hers helmets too so “it’s totally normal for twins”
Like thanks…. I knew that already.

 

[goblue24]

@simluk Right, like appreciate the support and what your trying to do here but I dont think achieving whatever your goal is, but thanks for letting me know?

But you can't say that, lol

 

[terry2xx]

@goblue24 Honestly, I think that's well worded and you completely could. It's a polite enough way to stop an uncomfortable conversation.

 

[lilly45]

@goblue24 Part of it probably is that singleton parents just don’t quite get it because how could they? I’ve had a few try to compare it because they have multiple children and I’m just like lol no it’s still not the same!

 

[goblue24]

@lilly45 True, it is it's own unique experience and maybe that's why me feeling like she was ignoring the twin part bugged me. I'm sure a lot of singleton parents don't even think too because "it's just life with two, I have two, it's basically the same".

My nice response when people say that is "a 2 week old and a 3 month old are totally different, developmental age gaps change the game" the game is difficult no matter what your set up is. But that's why if I ever meet a triplet parent in real life I'll probably just bow Wayne's world style lol

 

[yogaflame]

@lilly45 Hell I had someone try to tell me that her Irish twins (hate that terms but it’s when you have 2 kids within the same year that aren’t twins) where harder than regular twins because her kids are 10 months apart so they aren’t at the same stages like WTF it’s not even close that’s still you saying having multiple children is harder than twins and honey trust me having spaced out kids is easier than twins

 

[jimineez]

@yogaflame I can agree it's hard, but it's a different kind of hard! It's not the same at all.

 

[hilbrand]

@yogaflame I will say for the woman being like 8 months pregnant and having a 9-month-old would be super difficult... And that's even before she gets birth.

I'm not sure if that would be more difficult than being pregnant with twins...

As others have said, different hard

 

[johnvladimir]

@yogaflame I think it’s very different experience than twins and how difficult it is going to be highly dependent on the kids individual temperaments…but honestly I do think having a newborn and a young toddler sounds extremely difficult and I’m happy mine are the same age.

At least they are at the same developmental stage, needing the same sorts of things on the same schedule.

Also it’s nice once we get through a certain stage, we’re done.

 

[sepheeme12]

@goblue24 When my twins needed helmets, I had an acquaintance say that her kids never needed helmets because “I never put my kids down!” Which implied that it was my fault my twins had flat heads.

At least this friend was trying to be supportive?

 

[jamesrabbit]

@goblue24 When you have kids, people feel entitled to share their thoughts, opinions and experiences with you, whether you want them to or not. When you have multiples, the comments are increased by 100000% percent. It doesn't matter what's going on with your kid(s), someone will have something to say.

 

[goblue24]

@jamesrabbit That's true and we all know it starts right away, like when your 20 weeks pregnant and vomiting. I should probably look at it as her sharing the experience and not really wanting to have a conversation about it all.

Her story about getting Tricare to cover her first born helmet was a doosy, like I felt rage for her.

 

[chie0801]

@goblue24 That was definitely about her and not about you. I am willing to bet she spent a long time, and is still spending time, in a space that is hurtful to her.

I have depression and have been in therapy and take medicine for a couple years now. I was predisposed to PPD. I lucked out and haven't had any issues with it these past 8.5 months postpartum. I know people who experienced PPD and PPA and they very much want me to know it's not my fault and it's normal and it's ok and here, have this book about it, and please reach out about it, etc etc. I don't have PPD or PPA. I don't take offense by this, I understand they suffered a lot and probably suffered alone. I actually feel for them a lot. I just say thank you, I appreciate it. Because at the point that they are harping on it, I know it's not about me. It's about them wanting someone else to know it's ok, because they still don't know it's ok. If that makes sense. They are talking to themselves through you

 

[goblue24]

@chie0801

It's about them wanting someone else to know it's ok, because they still don't know it's ok.

This makes total sense and is a great way to put words to this kind of situation