Invalidated by having an only child

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godismyhonor

New member
Does anyone feel invalidated by parents of multiple children/society at large?

Example: I have occasionally complained in conversation with my Mum about some of my friends who have multiple children (3), when they haven’t taken me seriously or supported me when I confided in them about a problem I was having.
Earlier this year I was going through a really stressful time regarding an all consuming project that was financially and emotionally draining myself and my husband. I only confided in 2 friends about it, fully, and both brushed it off like “you’ll be fine”. We were fine, in the end - but for a while it was looking like things would go belly up and that’s when I reached out for help, in utter distress.

Anyway, I mentioned it to my mum and she listened to me but said “oh but those women are so busy with their kids”.

I am so deathly SICK of hearing that as being an excuse for an array of shitty friend behaviour.

It is true, obviously - mothers are busy with their kids. And jobs. And lives, in general. But does it excuse the lack of understanding bestowed upon another friend whose having a hard time? Why does having multiple children trump all other problems (besides fatal accidents/illnesses).

Other invalidating comments I’ve received are in response to when I dare complain about having a difficult time with my only, e.g. when she is always begging me to play and I feel guilty that I have to say no as I’ve got work to do or chores or whatever. A friend has said to me, “Yeah and I’ve got 2 talking at me all the time!” Excuse me but why do you have to trump me with your difficulty? Just listen to mine for a second and then we can get to yours.

I am so sick of people dismissing my issues regarding parenting because I have 1 child, when I am very select about sharing my issues with people - I don’t just tell people off the street (except on reddit 😉).

It’s getting to the point where I say nothing, because it’s not worth the emotional upheaval to dredge up the problem, talk about it only to be shut down with platitudes or worse, no reply.
 
@godismyhonor It’s so annoying because it’s like okay then why did you have 2/3/4???? Like you can have one and not expect it to have gone the way it did but why choose to have more? And then complain? And tell people that they’re lucky they only have one? Like they. Didn’t choose. To have. More????
 
@mrwallyboy78 Trueeeee!

Actually I am not a true one and done, I lost my second pregnancy. So I actually intended to have more.

It grates on me even more because I willingly listen and commiserate with these women, because parenting is hard.
But it does get too much when friends who had no problem falling pregnant, carrying to full term and birthing their children into the world try to stomp on me and my problems because I have one child.

It just goes to show that even if I had 10 kids they still would likely find a way to twist it that their life is harder!
 
@godismyhonor Yes, i also get annoyed but fully lean into it by being outwardly smug when they say my life must be easier. One particularly irritating person complained to me at length about how hard having two kids was, it was all so completely negative (eldest clingy and tantrums, baby cried too much, both fussy eaters, neither slept, no time for herself, husband useless, financial struggles) so I deadpan asked why she had the 2nd.

I also like to tell people that my son sleeps well, eats well, is happy and healthy and seems bright and inquisitive. With 1 my husband and I very rarely feel overstretched, we get every evening together and family time on weekends, and we each get me-time for hobbies, seeing friends etc.

So yeah, I'd just go with the smugness 😏 I know it's petty, but I'm just living my life 🙏
 
@aray92 Hahaha good approach.

I did this once but not on purpose. This lady was saying her 4 kids don’t play well together and I innocently asked “isn’t that the point of having 4 kids, so they leave you alone and play together?”

Crickets …

🤣🤣
 
@godismyhonor Unless that person was not good to you or said something hurtful that seems like a mean thing to say. Someone who has a bigger family than you is struggling.. so maybe they needed an ear too. That’s hypocritical.
 
@bobmurray I genuinely was surprised that her kids didn’t play together, they are all the same gender so I wasn’t expecting her to say that they complain about playing together. It wasn’t a criticism, I was curious so I was waiting for an answer.
 
@aray92 This is 100% what I do, and it annoys those with multiple children to no end. Call it petty revenge but those that invalidate the days I am having an emotional and mental struggle, I end up returning the favor when I hear those same people mentally break down when their 2 or 3 kids just become too much.

"This would be much easier with just one huh?" - slurps my coffee with 2 extra expresso shots. I love my brother in law to death... but there are some days the petty from both of us is strong.
 
@aray92 I also attack with smugness. A friend with two kids who complains she never gets breaks always gives me a snarky “must be nice” to have time to exercise, read books, and have hobbies. I always say “yep, it’s great!”
 
@abraham7777 Haha I do exactly this too! "Yeah I've actually lost weight again, isn't it crazy" see also "I've read 30 books already this year, I need to buy more, or I suppose I could just start another crochet project to add to the 10 I've finished" 😁
 
@godismyhonor Yes. I’ve experienced this with a close friend of mine. And the funny thing is there are challenges on both sides. With two they can entertain each other, Vs me playing with my kiddo. I never say that (or anything really) and just sort of let her make her “two is so much harder/more expensive etc” comments. Sometimes it feels like the struggle olympics out here.
 
@phillysportphan Struggle Olympics is real.
Once I was talking to a particularly whingey school mum. Nothing is ever ok with her, always BAD.
I stopped getting drawn into her complaining and just nodded in reply (usually I try to offer commiserations, advice, etc. but I was hungover at a kids party on a Sunday - not my finest hour).
Her next attempt at conversation was “my daughter won’t wear any of her nice clothes”.

Fuck me dead lady - SHUT UP!!!
 
@godismyhonor People say basically the same thing if you don’t have any kids at all. People are always comparing themselves to others even though I think we all know that we have our own different struggles. We all have different challenges and joys in our lives and I wish everyone could just learn from each other rather than playing the “who has it harder” game. At the end of the day, we all just want to be understood and feel connected to others.
 
@esdra This is the truth.
We all have moments where it’s just easier to vent and find an “other” who we can blame for our problems or make ourselves feel superior because “our life is harder”.

It’s a shame. I try to be self aware of avoid doing this (not always successful).
But some people do seem to get really caught up in it and trapped. It’s emotionally exhausting and drains the connection, I can’t deal with friendships like that where I’m just a prop for their pity party.
 
@godismyhonor You sound like you are very self aware and also a wonderful person who understands the OAD situation perfectly. I too lost a second pregnancy and due to age, finances and personal health decided to stick with one. I think it's just all hard and we all want to feel connected at times. Take care
 
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