In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me

[sam77]

@kinai It’s not that I am not allowed near her, it’s that she’s not allowed to babysit/be alone with our daughter. So I keep coming up with excuse after excuse to keep her away and I kind of feel like I am pushing her away and soon will reach a point where she won’t want anything to do with me.

 

[pookatini]

@sam77 Read your post and saw your update. He’s gaslighting you!!! Making you think that you are at fault for everything, that this is all what you wanted in the first place, having you feel like you’re going crazy, he’s manipulating you and training you to not trust your own mind. Based on what you have shared, you might explore trying to get away from him for awhile. You can’t and shouldn’t have to do 17 more years of this. He’s not supporting you with your childcare and home load and he’s actively trying to keep you apart from your mom who can help you and provide valuable support. Run!

 

[nola34]

@sam77 This sounds extremely controlling and unhealthy

 

[carolyn111]

@sam77 Your update was so full of him gaslighting the shit out of you. Are you allowed, to go to therapy? I wouldn’t even start with couples therapy. I would go to individual therapy so you can sort out if this is a livable environment. I hope his abuse is only mental and hasn’t crossed over to physical, but that may be in the future if he loses control. I wish you the best OP!

 

[sam77]

@carolyn111 Not only do I go to therapy, but he actively encourages it because he says I am always stressed and in a bad mood. He is also in therapy but like I said in another comment I only see the difference as having given him a lot of therapy like vocabulary to use during arguments. My therapist is working with me on learning to see my own value and figure out each others’ love languages so we can communicate more effectively (his biggest issue with me is that I am always upset and can’t or won’t communicate or let him express himself). I am fully aware that the majority of our issues are my fault and that I need to take more responsibility for my actions but the grandparent issue is separate from that.

 

[stevenwrighthan]

@sam77 From reading your post, I don’t see one thing about this situation that is your fault. It seems like it’s 100% your husband’s fault and he is perfectly fine making you feel responsible, alone and trapped. His behavior sickens me. I hope you seriously research emotional abuse, gaslighting, and read that book “Why does he do that?” It’s free online. I guarantee you will recognize his patterns in these resources and realize that you are 100% in a toxic and abusive relationship. My heart breaks for you.

 

[levis143]

@sam77 Nope stop this now, let your mom help. If he argues just ignore. Stop being emotionally invested in his reactions to something so outlandish.

 

[dawgone421]

@sam77 Controlling much? Just absolutely unreasonable behavior from husband.

 

[alearose]

@sam77 I disagree with some other comments saying that your husband shouldn’t get a say on caregivers for your child. I definitely think he should have input on how his children are cared for. However, it does seem like some of his expectations are a bit extreme. I assume your mother didn’t purposely spill your breastmilk, for example. Is there reason to think she isn’t able to keep your baby safe? Like if the spill is a symptom of a severe cognitive or physical issue, I can see that being a concern. But it’s just a fluke, it seems quite harsh to keep her away from the baby because of that.

I also think your rule about clothing gifts seems a bit difficult to enforce; unless you want to take the time to remind everyone about it every year, it seems like something people might forget. And, again, cutting off a relationship over that seems extreme. Perhaps something like prescreening gifts before your child opens them could be a compromise there.

 

[akags]

@alearose I sort of agree here that yes, both parents should have a say regarding any other caregivers and who is allowed to watch their children. That's reasonable.

But in this situation, it feels like the concern is less about the wellbeing of the child and more about the husband's dislike of the mother. I also think it's incredibly unfair for husband to regularly go out of town and leave OP alone, but then be overly critical of any extra help OP receives. Like they don't need to leave baby alone with the mom if it's a genuine concern, but she should still be able to come over and help with baby-related things while OP is also present. Furthermore, I find it a bit of a red flag for one partner to be trying to essentially ban the other from seeing their own family, for almost any reason. It's not like this is just some acquaintance or mom friend or something, OP's husband is literally trying to cut her own mother out of her life. That's really just not his decision to make and imo is very concerning that he thinks he has any right to.

 

[alearose]

@akags I basically agree with everything you said. I didn’t take it that he’s trying to make her cut her mother out of her life since she still comes to visit and help with the dog. I also think there doesn’t seem to be enough reason for her mother not to help with the baby; I just disagree with people saying that his opinion doesn’t matter. I think it’s something they need to work out with mutual respect.

 

[sam77]

@alearose Thank you for this reasonable take, it’s very nuanced and i appreciate it. As far as gifts are concerned, I am of the “prescreen and quietly donate if we don’t like it“ mindset. I think the extreme boundary setting about gifts is a way for him to continuously move the goal post because he doesn’t like my mom.

 

[brucepjr]

@sam77 I’m posting on this old thread because your newer one is locked since you deleted it.

You are being abused. We’ve all beat around the bush saying it and I’m saying it clearly. The way you speak is that of a kicked puppy. This has been posted on your threads before. I hope you’ll read it. Please don’t move. Your parents even came after you last time he did this to you. Ask them for help. You need help to leave.

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

 

[sam77]

@brucepjr Thanks for the link. I deleted my newer posts due to a user commenting pretty aggressively that my husband has a point and doesn’t find me a trustworthy person to care for our child. It really really rattled me so I ended up deleting it rather than engaging.

 

[angela888]

@sam77 Well then he has to be ok with part of your budget going to babysitting at least once a week. Sounds like you received enough advice regarding your husband, so I won’t pile on about that. I sincerely hope you get a break soon. You’re a human and deserve adequate rest and alone time.

 

[tiglathpileser]

@sam77 This sounds so extreme and controlling. I feel awful for your mother, as well as you and your daughter for missing out on a special bond with a loving grandparent! It must be so hard to feel like you're caught in the middle of your husband and mother.
When I became a mom I had to really let go of a lot of ideas and "rules" I had as I realized not every situation was black and white and not every parent or caregiver will do things exactly alike. It siunds kike your husband could benefit from some ciunseling to help give him an outside perspective and enciurage him ti be less rigid in his approach.
It was a huge weight of my shoulders to just relax with my parenting style and it cut back arguments with my husband and other family SO much. As long as baby is being safely cared for and nothing extreme is happening against your beliefs etc.
After reading your update I really hope you can get him to agree to some therapy because you should not be feeling crazy or have blame and things thrown back in your face after expressing how you're feeling.

 

[sam77]

@tiglathpileser This is nothing against you but soooo many comments are suggesting therapy. We are both in individual therapy. I am going to add that as an update.

 

[tiglathpileser]

@sam77 Ok, I still would suggest couples counnseling just for an outside perspective. But honestly, if he has invested a lot of time into individual therapy and he's still not willing to compromise and let you have some say in who is able to help care for your daughter maybe you need to reassess how important having that choice is. I know for me it would be an absolute deal breaker and I would feel like he didn't value or trust my judgement.

 

[adjoray]

@sam77 This honestly sounds more like he's trying to isolate you and run you down so hard you won't have the will to leave....like he just gaslit tf out of you saying you were the one making these boundaries....dude found a small unraveled end (past trauma) and is pulling trying to make that shit fall apart (your relationship with your mother)