In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me

[gerryp]

@sam77 No clothes after one? Body image issues? For a baby?

 

[puddintain]

@sam77 Your husband doesn't get to make uni-lateral decisions like that for your family ESPECIALLY when you are the only one dealing with the actual impact. Also the cardigan thing is batshit and toddlers don't understand "body image issues". Hell mine will strip naked if I don't stop her.

I would say couples counseling but I think your husband might be crossing into abusive territory and that could make it worse...

 

[unsure25]

@sam77 I understand you expressed your clothing issues but kids especially little kids sizes are rarely accurate. One of my kiddos stayed in 6 months clothes till over a year and another one of mine couldn’t fit in 6 months clothes even before they were 6 months.

He sounds controlling unless there is a reason to keep your mother from the kiddo.

 

[tj00110]

@sam77 I think you should get your mom to help and I agree with others saying that your husband sounds like he's overreacting to small things with your mom.

I have advice regarding the diet culture situation. Talk to your mom about it beforehand, set the boundary that she shouldn't get into things like that around your daughter and if you hear it when she's around shut it down right away. Give your mom some grace though as long as she's trying, some things will slip. We were very particular about how we spoke about food to try to curb picky eating. My mom tries so hard to adhere and just sucks at it. And then she makes a big deal about it calling more attention to her snafu. But. It's so very worth it for her help and she's only grandma, what mom and dad have to say trumps her every time.

 

[sam77]

@tj00110 I am right there with you. I have been open with her about my concerns and she does get it. I just think it’s such a deep part of who she is that she can’t help but bring it up. I’m ok with it being a continuing conversation but my husband isn’t and every time she fails at it, I bear the brunt of the consequences.

 

[tj00110]

@sam77 Has your husband never stuck his foot in his mouth? I do it all the time. Say something and then immediately think, "oops". All we can do is try our best and if someone else thinks our best isn't good enough then they are the problem. There are so many grandmas on Reddit who purposely basg right through boundaries, so many kids losing out on a relationship with their grandparents because their grandparents are selfish and don't respect the parents. If that's not what you're dealing with then think how much more that relationship is worth in the long run. Having estranged family is always an open wound even if it is for the best.

Can I say, I read in another comment that your family didn't like your partner much at first so you feel like you can't tell your mom the real reasons she's not allowed over. I'm not saying throw your husband under the bus, but if it's his policy then just say it's him. As far as them not liking him, that's tough cookies because you chose him and they will have to live with him in their lives because of that.

 

[sam77]

@tj00110 He definitely has stuck his foot in his mouth and he absolutely admits that his standards for anyone interacting with our daughter are insanely high—but it seems to all relate to my family, and he gives his own family a pass for doing the exact same things my family does that he disapproves of (gifts he doesn’t want, vocalizing toxic body image/diet culture ideas). He also doesn’t like that my parents are “obsessed” with our daughter (of course they are, they’re first time grandparents and my baby is adorable) and that they want to see her frequently. I believe part of it may be jealousy because his own dad has never expressed any interest in our daughter or meeting her etc.

 

[tj00110]

@sam77 I read your edits. If your husband thinks the boundaries are all you and you're the one moving the goalposts then that's actually good news. Sounds like you make the calls so you get to have your mom around if you want to. Thank him for supporting you. Though there does seem to be something confusing going on.

My husband and I have recently had several small miscommunications where I apparently say something and don't remember at all. But we're both sleep deprived and dealing with some emotional stuff so I'll chalk it up to that for now and if it continues look into doing something about it.

 

[sam77]

@tj00110 I suppose it’s possible. But the sleep deprivation isn’t as bad these days, my toddler is sleeping through the night for the most part or only waking once!

 

[l22]

@sam77 I read your update that you all have been to couples therapy and it didn't work. I highly suggest you interview some new couples therapists and begin again. You need a mediator to point out and sort out his double standards between your family and his. This will only continue to be an issue throughout her life.

 

[sam77]

@l22 We have not; we have individual therapists.

 

[sergyi]

@sam77 toxic mom set you up to choose a toxic partner

 

[sam77]

@sergyi 100%

 

[ezzeking]

@sam77 Why is he the only one who gets a say? Unless she is doing something objectively unsafe, I would tell him too bad.

 

[wavedrop]

@sam77 You are an adult. You are allowed to ask your mom for help. You can make your own choices. You don’t need to ask him, he can provide the help you need or you can get the help you need yourself. You don’t deserve to struggle.

 

[treybud20]

@sam77 Your husband is unhinged. You need to take a really good hard look at your relationship.

 

[spwife]

@sam77 Yeah it’s time to establish a plan to leave him.

 

[kinai]

@sam77 What’s his stance on his own mother?

 

[sam77]

@kinai That she’s fine and trustworthy.

 

[kinai]

@sam77 Isn’t that funny? His mother is a saint and you aren’t allowed near yours. Girl, this isn’t healthy. Maybe have a chat with your mum and tell her to keep her mouth shut about her visits and start having her over! If he’s at work, what the hell has it got to do with him. And place these same boundaries in place with his own mother. Play him at his own game