@disciplinedidea first of all, im so sorry you’re having to deal with this. its so hard being a parent, even though we try so hard to protect our children and do what we think is best ; we cant protect them from horrible people.
i would file a police report, she HURT your children and if you have evidence then I would definitely get what happened on file.
Then i would call and talk to the highest up person i could at the swim place. Tell them you have evidence the instructor hurt your child and that you want something done about it.
The money part obviously i would try to get back bc in this economy that is a decent chunk of change especially when you have a family.
I wouldnt let this rest because there will be another family and other kids this person will hurt.
i would also look over your contract and see if it says anything about the no vacation thing because you are PAYING them for services ?? i would also speak to your husband and see what he says.
sorry mommas this is awful.
I did not consider a police report. I took pictures of the bruising and have video of Z grabbing my child in that place, so I'm going to do that if the police will let me.
I looked over the verbiage for the scholarship. There isn't anything about vacations in there. My only requirement was to attend the lessons, and upload progress videos and pictures weekly. I did that every week without fail. It's how I managed to gather evidence at the same time.
I'll also talk to both the swim center about the lifeguard's part in it, and the ISR org about the instructor. I hope I have enough to convince them she's an unfit instructor. That could prevent it from happening to another family.
@disciplinedidea Oh, hell no. You need to write that org 2 emails. The first one just unload on them. Say the wild, awful, inappropriate stuff that I know you've got inside you somewhere. Those assholes treated you like a second-class citizen and broke tons of rules. Then delete that one and write another one where you let them know in no uncertain terms that you have evidence of their transgressions and you will not hesitate to put their organization on blast for their racist treatment of you and your children. You want a full refund and an apology.
I have written to the scholarship org so far and I'm in the midst of a police report (it seems to be a process).
I think the thing with racism is, no matter what is done, there can/will be some other explanation always. No racist admits "Yes I did that due to their skin color". And it requires a lot, I feel, to even start to appear like racism. So it becomes a burden on the already burdened person of color. First we are treated that way, now we have to prove it. And some might believe, maybe. And something might happen to get us justice, maybe. And what would even be just? Going back in time and stopping it is the only thing that comes to my mind. But we can't have that.
But I'm trying. I don't want this to happen to any other child or caregiver.
@disciplinedidea I can't say why she is stupid, but she is clearly stupid. Report her to the YMCA, the scholarship issuer, anyone else people suggest. Compile all the evidence and a timeline her bad behavior and have it ready to go.
@disciplinedidea Definitely file charges. Even the accusations will keep her away from children. She definitely needs to be kept from working with children.
@disciplinedidea I’m glad you are. If you have the bandwidth after the report, please send us an update here. I’m so outraged and I hope you get some justice.
@disciplinedidea Edit to correct date: I agree with deepseadiver , keep us posted. This person needs to be stopped. There was a motion brought up in 2014 about creating a child abuse registry. We need it.
@disciplinedidea I’m kinda horrified for you. If someone treated someone I love this way, I would lose my mind on them.
It sounds like you were professional and courteous, you were flexible when things came up for her and notified of your absence well in advance. I would reach out to the organization and whoever else she works for.
I would also ask where the vacation policy is stated because you didn’t pay for a vacation. Someone gifted it to you. That should be excluded.
You sound like you need a hug! Those horrible people. Internet hugs to you, I hope you can get someone in the organization to listen to you. What an awful experience.
@peninnah Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. Internet hugs right back.
I'm with you in that advocating for someone else seems to come easier. Almost everyone I know is like this, myself included. I don't know why that is. I think in some ways, when something bad is done to our person, it's harder to see exactly what's happening, versus when we see it happening to someone else (we love). I hope for a world where we all love ourselves more, and think of ourselves as worthy and deserving of goodness. More of it. Maybe then we can stand up for ourselves as much as we would for our loved ones.
Yes, you're right. I did notify her in advance of the 3 days. I wanted to make sure it was okay before we started. The day the crash occured I texted her 13 minutes before lesson time. She never texted me once when she ran late. 5 of us (4 kids and I) just arrived and waited not knowing what was happening. Multiple times. I agree a gifted trip is different than taking a paid for vacation. I should ask about that policy.
@disciplinedidea ISR is so problematic. Effective or not, it involves making kids very uncomfortable and unhappy and I think it’s not good for them psychologically. I also think it attracts a certain type of person in that regard. I pulled my kid out but I truly think the instructor was sadistic, especially with how aggressively she reacted when I decided to drop the course after 3 days and lose my deposit.
I was so blinded by my fear of my kids drowning after reading its the number 1 cause of death in young children. I didn't think on this. It's true. The process itself involves pushing babies who can't even talk into the water repeatedly until they learn they have no choice but to hold their breath, float, and swim and if they do it might end so they do. There are videos of them crying and reaching for their parents but pulled away and tossed in the water. It would take a type of person to do that repeatedly and ask money to do it. Clothe the process in a way that makes it seem they are doing us a favor. Which is what I thought, wow my kids get to do ISR.
I am looking at this and thinking I made a wrong choice pursuing swim lessons of this type.
It's strange. Another mom I talked to in the waiting area had my same story. Almost drowned as a child, afraid of water now, didn't want that for her child. So we mothers have a real fear. So are they almost counting on that fear to be on the forefront so we agree to this treatment of our children during this process? We think as long as my child can swim I can bear through this. That its for their own good. They might cry now but it will save their life later. These are some thoughts right? But our children should be taught to swim and it should be with respect to their beings and that of the parents I think.
@disciplinedidea When the instructor told me that my baby would need a refresher course after six months, I realized I wasn’t teaching her anything that was going to stick with her and I wasn’t going to change my caution around bodies of water anyway, so I felt it was an unnecessary mild form of torture for her.
ETA: Every time we arrived at a lesson the other kids were sobbing, and every time we left the next kid was sobbing. My baby didn’t cry the first lesson, she was such a sweet little champ, but the second two she was really upset and the instructor didn’t even pause to soothe her or give her a moment. She said at the end of each 10 minute lesson, “Remember, a crying baby is an alive baby “. This is such a simplistic way of summarizing it and leaves no room for the nuance of trauma and how it’s difficult to learn under stress. I totally realized she was preying on fears when she kept repeating that.
@vinhhali I'm sorry it happened that way for you. That must have been hard.
I definitely believe the preying on fears is involved. The ISR instructors themselves might believe it. So it might even be preying on their fears. That they are doing a service and helping save a life. And I think they might indeed save lives in that the kids learn to swim. But the cost of the trauma in the process. That's what each of us need to decide.
I see it (now) as there are many ways to fill a need. When a person is hungry you don't give them spoiled food, yell at them, and expect them to be grateful that it's now better than starving. So in that vein it's okay for you and me to want for our kids to swim, but also have the expectation and want of them not being treated badly in the process.
"Remember, a crying baby is an alive baby." Ugh I don't quite know what I think about that. I don't like it. It seems like copium. I choose both an alive baby and a baby I didn't just make cry.
@disciplinedidea I totally agree with you!!! I am looking forward to doing more gentle swim lessons while also teaching her life saving skills, when she’s old enough to know she’s learning and able to consent to some things. Older kids get warned they’re going to be dunked. Babies like mine in ISR most have no clue what’s going on!
@vinhhali That sounds lovely. I think you're right on, older children can consent and understand in a way younger children and babies cannot. I think you might find it really nice doing it that way. My older child was eager to swim and perfect their form. So having someone there to gently guide, as you plan to do, could bring happiness and excitement at that age.
@enemyofreason I do not. I have a family member who does, they said they would support me if I needed to use a lawyer. Before I reached out to them today, I looked into pro bono lawyers by me as well (when another commentor suggested it) and did find 6 lawyers nearby who do that work. I have saved their contact info.
The org has now stated they will give me the $420 back. I'm waiting to see what happens after my police report is filed and I've contacted the ISR org (that Z works for).
