I feel like a failure as a parent for not being ready for second kid

[kimbob5688]

It’s completely irrational but my son is nearly 4 and he’s just always been such a tough kid that despite always thinking I’d have 2 or 3 kids I’m just not ready to have another and honestly am not 100% sure I could do it again. I see people who had kids at the same time or even after me that are on their 2nd or 3rd kid and it makes me feel like I’m just not very good at this because I find it so difficult. My son hasn’t been an easy kid, colicky babe that screamed every waking moment unless vigorously bounced 14 hours or so a day,

then we had brief respite between 4 and 10 months where he was fairly chill but since then up until now he’s just been a very highly sensitive young man, has selective mutism and is being evaluated for being on the autism spectrum. So I can appreciate that some of these parents may have had easier children hence why they were brave enough to try again but it just makes me feel a bit rubbish because I always thought I’d be on to number 2 by now. I can’t imagine having a baby and would feel guilty to have one when my son wants to talk to me about fans and vacuums every waking moment so I need so many breaks from the child I already have.
I also had hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy
Saying all that I feel that a positive newborn experience in the future would be incredibly healing, I want my son to have a sibling, I moved to a country where instead of 6 weeks maternity leave I’d get about 9 months and I’m not living near my family so I’m sure all round the experience would be different next time.

 

[katrina2017]

@kimbob5688 It's perfectly ok to have one kid. It's better to give one kid excellent parenting then multiple kids subpar parenting. Also it sounds like you went through ALOT. HG alone would stop me from going through pregnancy again. I think it's a really good thing to put boundaries in place for yourself. It means you know yourself. There is no shame in that.

 

[jimreaper]

@kimbob5688 You aren't a failure for not being ready or wanting a 2nd child. I think it's very honest to admit your reasons behind it

Im in the same boat, had a terrible birth and pandemic baby, have no village and found the first 18 months incredibly hard at times. There is so much pressure to give them a sibling but in reality there is so much more involved. Financial, mentally and physically. It's as simple as just enjoy your child, make special memories with them and feel no external pressure to have another one if you don't want to.

 

[bob90210z]

@kimbob5688 I feel like this a lot op. Like jealous that those who had two had it easier than me. Or that their first was easy so it wasn’t a biggie to just jump into number two. My daughter did such a number on my husband and I that the fear of going through that again terrifies me when things are finally so so good.

At this point I’ve decided to let it go and just enjoy the beautiful daughter that I have and enjoy my sleep and me time and whatever happens in the future happens.

I truly believe in whatever is meant to be will be

 

[xsmn123]

@kimbob5688 FWIW my kid is easy and always has been and I’m still firmly on the fence about another

 

[kaylai]

@xsmn123 Same. Beyond the "typical" toddler challenges, my 3 year old is a pretty cool kid and I still can't decide if another one sounds like something I want to do. I enjoy my personal time, as selfish as that sounds, and I feel like a second child would drain me.

 

[sek98]

@kimbob5688 You are NOT a failure. I have two kids: one who is almost three and another one that came 16 months later. The first one is on the spectrum but we didn’t know when we were pregnant with my second, who appears to be neurotypical.

Now that I’ve experienced raising a neurodivergent and neurotypical child, I can tell you that raising a neurotypical child is much easier. It is what it is. I don’t know that I would’ve had another one had I not gotten pregnant when my oldest was 8 months old.

I often wonder if I’m giving enough attention to the second since my first has much higher needs. Are they getting enough love? Are they getting enough hugs?

It’s a hard decision and I can’t help you one way or another but I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that you are NOT a failure. It is not supposed to be this hard.

 

[jannsis]

@kimbob5688 Definitely not a failure. It seems like you are focused on how to be the best parent to your child.

 

[nhule8805]

@kimbob5688 There is nothing wrong with 1. My son is an ideal/east kid and I still don’t want another, even if I could guarantee that they would also be a healthy happy toddler. Two toddlers is just not what I want.

 

[lawrence90]

@kimbob5688 I have a lot of those same feelings. When I see friends and peers with 2-3 kids and seeming like they're doing just fine, I do get jealous and feel like maybe I'm just not good at being a mom--which is a mindfuck since being a mom was something I ALWAYS wanted.

My child is 16 months and has only slept through the night once. He is super intense, high energy, and active. I love him and think he's amazing, but I feel jealous of women who seem to have it easier, whether they are just better at parenting or if their kids are just chill.

 

[legionness]

@kimbob5688 Im one and done. It was an incredibly difficult decision that we went back and forth on but now that my daughter is 3, we feel like we made the right call for us. I totally understand the appeal of more than 2, but you gotta listen to yourself and your gut on whether it’s best for your family. It seems almost everyone that I know that has one has 2, so the peer pressure is there, but that’s the worst worst reason to bring a human into this world.

 

[katrina2017]

@kimbob5688 I could basically write this post. HG could have killed me from wiping out my potassium and almost sending me into starvation ketoacidosis. I had a rough pregnancy after my HG symptoms subsided and birth was very traumatic. I always wanted at least two and 3-4 years apart, but when it came time to try to make that happen I just couldn’t. We tried for 8 cycles without success and my mental health has been trashed because I realized I didn’t want that. At least right now. My son was pretty easy as an infant, but toddler life was honestly hell from 14 to 30 months. He turns 3 in less than a week and things were a lot easier from 30 months till a week or two ago when whatever threenager struggles started. He’s a really good kid, so incredibly sweet and smart, but also incredibly clever and resourceful coupled with being big for his age which makes him VERY strong and capable physically. I suspect he’s neuro divergent. Probably either high functioning asd or adhd, maybe both. He’s not intense enough that I think he’d be diagnosed if he were evaluated. Everyone. Literally everyone says “he’s so smart, the things I see he understands is above the majority of kids his age, but he’s just…different. It’s not bad, he’s just not like other kids.” I have no clue how I could manage him and another child. I even had a doctor joke to him once that if he didn’t chill he was probably ruining his chances for a sibling. People see it. How difficult it is with him in certain ways.

Almost all the people we know who had babies the same year we did either already have a second or third baby or are pregnant with a second or third baby, or trying. It bums me out a lot every time I see another pregnancy announcement.

My sister and I are 7 years apart and we both hate it. I never wanted my kids to have big age gaps, but I don’t believe there’s any chance I could ever have another right now and my mental health not be torn to shreds trying to balance my son and a baby. He’s about to be 3. I think I want to wait another year to revisit and see how I feel. We honestly may just have to wait a long time. I hate that because he’s SO loving with other kids. I always say he was clearly meant to be a big brother. He checks on babies when he’s around them, puts his hand on them and stares while smiling. My best friend has twin girls his age and the first time they hung out as toddlers they were scared of him and he patiently and gently tried to offer them hugs and toys and gently worked with them till they were comfortable. Last summer when he started really gaining a vocabulary, for about a month he’d tell me he was sad because he missed Bompa and sissy and would cry. One time he straight up got bummed out while playing and said “I miss Elainey” and then waved at the empty hallway …. My Bompa passed away just shy of 7 years before my son was born and Elaina is what we would name a girl if we have one. That experience last summer is pretty much the only reason I think we may have another one day. I have no idea when that time will come that I’ll actually feel ready. I want my son to grow up with his sibling vs feeling like he’s watching his sibling grow up like I did with my sister, but I think it’s pretty likely he’s gonna be waiting a while. There’s no chance I could manage pregnancy with how he is right now. My family lives very far away and my in laws didn’t care or fully believe what I was dealing with till they hadn’t seen me for 3 weeks and I had lost 15 pounds. Before then my mil tried to lecture me about cleaning and how embarrassing it should be for me how messy my house was while her son didn’t do shit to help. My MIL has already made it clear by some things she’s said that it would likely be no different in another pregnancy and refuses to discuss a plan when I’ve tried to tell her that I really would need their help if we have another baby. Her and my FIL ALWAYS give precedence to one of my BILs with helping with his kids over anything to do with us. For some reason they don’t feel almost any responsibility for helping us and only feel responsible for my nieces. I hate it. My mom literally had to fly here to spend a week cleaning my house and taking care of me because nobody else would. If my mom was still close by she’d be at my house almost every day. I wish I could have her close by, so I’d know I’d have someone to rely on.

I hate that I feel like I’m not as good as other parents because can’t keep up

 

[kimbob5688]

@katrina2017 I literally moved from the US to the UK to be near my mum so that if we do this again I’m not drowning! I have legit ptsd from pregnancy and newborn stage. I held someone else’s newborn last summer and it just fell asleep in my arms without any effort (mine required really aggressive bouncing and screamed until asleep) and I couldn’t comprehend a newborn like that

 

[lunanica]

@kimbob5688 oh man...so just to make you feel a little better...mine was the fall asleep in your arms easily type and even I cannot imagine doing it all over again with a toddler. Mine's 9 mo and I would never want another prior to at least 2.5 years but I'm already 37...so ya. I feel for you and feel the same...it's tough and we may just be OAD because of it (Also finances and general well being/sleep/having time for our own or family to do things more than if we had two and were strapped tight for so long financially) but most of all the mental health and sheer TIME you need to give both or all your kids if you want to raise them a certain way. I'd rather I think raise one child that I devote so much healthy time and energy with a happy calmness at times, then two children who remember me as a frazzled mess of a mama with anger issues/frustration always trying to keep up....and risk mine and my partners relationship deteriorating.. I'd like to be one of those moms who has it all together and feels super confident in her easy breezy choice to have a second or third! But for me I'd have to have loads of money for help or loads of family nearby who see eye to eye on parenting values to help...and I just don't.

 

[sierra1412]

@kimbob5688 Ugh I'm so here with you my daughter is almost for and my anxiety is so high. I feel like this pressure to have another one. My daughter is getting better but motherhood is hard. I have medical issues that make the choice harder but man I Hate this pressure