I don’t like my daughter’s friend. And they’re 7

[olly91]

Asking for some advice here. My daughter has grow. Up with an 8yo girl across the street. We enjoy play dates but the more time we spend together, the more I find myself not liking the type of person this 8yo is growing into. Things that bother me:

1) Constant comparison. “My house is bigger and better.” “Our car is newer.” “We spent $ on this dinner.”
2) General rudeness. She wanted to open my daughter’s presents in my daughter’s birthday. She questioned my husband when we served her lunch on paper plates, and suggested that he use a real plate. She complained that my daughter’s birthday is aLwAys at the park.
3) Disregard for authority. Afterschool nanny has complained that 8yo does not listen when she comes over so she was not allowed to come over until I got home.

I know they are only 7/8 but I do not like the bad influence 8yo imposes and I’m even more annoyed that my daughter is very impressionable around her.

How do I handle this “friendship”???

 

[mikejones56]

@olly91 I’ve found that complimenting their good behavior goes farther than correcting bad. She may actually not be living her best life at home and hoping to while at your house. If she has little supervision at home, that will also mean little influence and attention. You might be very surprised how including her and occasional praise might change her behavior. It sounds very much like a dog that’s jumping for attention. Having her do simple things like helping pick up while there or setting the table if she’s eating there will make her feel more included. Braggers are usually compensating for what they lack. Maybe she always eats off paper plates and thought it would be diff at your house? Maybe she’s never gotten presents and was just excited.

 

[bht]

@mikejones56 Love this emphasis on affirming positive behaviors. You just have remember these kids are 8 years old and still building social awareness.

I can guarantee I was an asshole 8 year old (mainly cause my parents were going through a divorce) and I had friends whose parents were just mean to me without ever seeking to understand what was going on with me.

The adults need to be adults and a go a level further than “I don’t like behavior, therefore kid fundamentally bad”. Ask questions, be thoughtful, you may be able to help a kid in pain.

 

[d2west]

@bht …The adults need to be adults and a go a level further than “I don’t like behavior, therefore kid fundamentally bad”….

Thank you for this. Kids look to adults for guidance on how to treat each other. If we just write people off it just teaches them to be intolerant.

You can 100% teach a kid how to respond to petty/rude behavior without neglecting a whole person. Also while acknowledging that our own little angels are probably annoying the crap out of someone else’s parents once in a while.

 

[olly91]

@bht Yes it is very difficult sometimes to discern when kids are being kids when they seem grown enough to be intentional. That’s why I didn’t know what to do and reached out to field other opinions.

 

[andya1996]

@bht That hit home, thanks for bringing me full circle on that.

 

[forgiveness44]

@mikejones56 I agree with you as well. But it seems like the little girl is being neglected and picking up her parents behavior/passive aggressiveness - these are things children don’t think about (house size, paper plates). So she’s mimicking her parents behavior possibly? Another reason I feel this way - the girl is always at your house. Another hint: too many problems at home and I’d rather be with my bff and their loving parents. Best of luck!

 

[katrina2017]

@forgiveness44 I agree, I think she’s picking up on her parent’s behaviors. With the nanny mentioned and the emphasis on $$, the parents probably remind her that their bigger house, newer car, etc. are the reason they aren’t home all the time like OP’s family. And she’s mimicking those remarks. You know, the “we work to have nice things” gone too far.

 

[olly91]

@katrina2017 We are actually friends with her parents and hung out together here and there. They aren’t rude or snarky so that’s why this is all so confusing

 

[coder]

@olly91 Adults are smart enough to have an "at home" face and a "who I want the public to see me as" face.

Of course they aren't going ro be assholes to your face, but their kid learnt it somewhere

 

[katrina2017]

@olly91 I wonder if their daughter picked up her attitude the way your daughter is picking up the neighbors a little since you mentioned she is so impressionable

I also think kids at that age, learn from school and socializing that there are things like differences in how their peers home situation is from theirs and they are curious and disbelieving about that. Also that they should form an identity around differences instead of similarities. Differences make us unique.

The I’m better than you attitude is something my 7 yr old does to other kids on occasion and because others have done it to him and he feels that’s how you assert dominance in a relationship at that age.

When I see him doing this at the park I call him on it and that he shouldn’t talk like that and am quick to find something the other child is good at. I’m hoping he grows out of it.

We gave him in a good karate school that builds good moral character traits and calls out that type of behavior there too

 

[katrina2017]

@forgiveness44 I disagree about house size and stuff, they do notice these things and in fact are looking out to find differences and similarities. My kid said our caravan was bigger then the other kids and was better, even though we had never mentioned anything about that ever and it was a holiday rental. Attitude about it might come from the parents or TV or somewhere else or could be nothing.

 

[kpdavis2000]

@katrina2017 I agree with this. My daughter is the same age as these girls and is beginning to notice differences between our family and others that are related to financial status, even though we don’t really discuss those sorts of things. She is friends with a little girl who’s family could be best described as upper middle class, whereas we are closer to working class. She has started to observe that her friend’s family has a better car, a better house, goes on better vacations, etc. I think it’s natural for kids to start to pick up on things like that around that age.

For some reason, my daughter thought her friend’s dad was a fireman for a while (he’s not), and one day she told my husband she wanted him to become a fireman. We asked her why she wanted that and she said so that he could earn more money so we could afford the same kind of car her friend has. Lol. My point, I guess, is that it’s not necessarily a given that a child is being told those things when they begin to make those kinds of comments, sometimes it might just be that they are beginning to notice differences and their little minds are learning how to understand the reasons for the differences.

 

[gold12]

@kpdavis2000 Unrelated but my son told his first grade teacher that I worked at a bagel shop and she believed it for almost a year. Because I told him about a bagel I had gotten from work one morning (the cafe below my work to be specific) and he just assumed I worked at a bagel shop lol.

 

[sammyred]

@gold12 As someone who was perpetually confused and uniformed as a child, this made me laugh out loud. I was convinced my father was a solider because he had been a captain in the reserves well before I was born and was a commercial traveller when I was little. Dad's gone for a few days? Guess he's fighting in a war!

 

[gold12]

@sammyred That is too cute lol

 

[kpdavis2000]

@sammyred That’s adorable. My dad worked in construction up until my teen years, doing concrete work to be specific. I guess when I was little, like kindergarten or first grade, we had to share about our parents’ jobs and I said that my daddy “carries big boards” for a living. Apparently, I had gone with my mom to a job site to drop off his lunch once, and he had been carrying a two by four when we drove up, so my parents concluded that must where I got that idea, which wasn’t totally off base to be honest.

 

[majella]

@gold12 That’s just adorable.

 

[lo0n]

@forgiveness44 Being a step parent I had experienced some of this. If I would do something special with him. Instead of him thanking me he would say things like well my mom does this for me all the time. Or my mom's swimming pool is bigger. But it was more that he wished his mom would do those things with him. Not saying she was a bad mom we just have different parenting styles.

 

[sammyred]

@lo0n Some of this could have been because they were confused by how they were growing close to you and felt like you becoming a parent to them. They might have felt like this was a conflicting loyalty but it also felt right to them. That's a confusing experience for a kid and it sounds like you have a great attitude about it.