@rtellard For us to not have a relationship with them. It should be, but he's a kind-to-a-fault kind of guy... I think he'll continue feeling that way until it gets closer to our wedding day and the pressure is put on- when he realizes what I've been dealing with, that we're going to have to hide the fact that we're trying from them. :/ not like I'm hoping for confrontation, but I don't think he sees it in quite the same light I do. I was the lucky 1 of 5 attempted babies of my mother's, and she was the age I will be when we get married when she was TTC, so I'm a little more than freaked out. :/
I 22f & fiancé 21m, hoping to try in 2017, BUT..
- Thread starter paleouss
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@paleouss If he's not willing to cut off toxic relationships then you two need to talk about that and about priorities.
To me it seems like either it really is something silly and you should try when you're ready and nobody will actually care, or it's something serious and they are very toxic so it shouldn't matter if they care.
Getting pregnant before someone else shouldn't be something offensive or hurtful.
To me it seems like either it really is something silly and you should try when you're ready and nobody will actually care, or it's something serious and they are very toxic so it shouldn't matter if they care.
Getting pregnant before someone else shouldn't be something offensive or hurtful.
digitalphiltv
New member
@paleouss Look, you guys are adults. Do what is right for your family (meaning you, your fiancé, and any future children). You will NEVER make everyone happy, no matter what, so do what you want for yourselves.
I will say I am in the midst of sibling pregnancy drama, and it sucks big time. My older brother and SIL have been trying for 2.5 years to get pregnant with no luck, I got pregnant pretty much right away in the fall. Things between us have been awful. So there may be some unpleasantness, but you've just got to deal with it as it comes.
I will say I am in the midst of sibling pregnancy drama, and it sucks big time. My older brother and SIL have been trying for 2.5 years to get pregnant with no luck, I got pregnant pretty much right away in the fall. Things between us have been awful. So there may be some unpleasantness, but you've just got to deal with it as it comes.
@paleouss No way would I wait for someone else to get their lives in order. Your marriage and life is not dependent on someone else's life plans. Plain and simple. Yes, it sucks if your little brother has kids before you because your husband won't come around, but that's your own cross to carry.
Now, I totally get people being rude about you getting married younger regardless of xyz facts (you've actually been together longer, etc etc etc). It's the same way here (my family was horrible about it). We haven't been open with one of my brother's sisters because she's very judgmental, thinks there's only one right way to live your life and everyone else is doing it wrong if they don't do it like her, her shit don't stink and we are always making the wrong decisions, etc etc etc.
She said at Christmas that when my SIL had her first at 25 she was "really really young" but she considers it "normal" to have kids at 30 now. She made it clear that she was emphasizing the really really part of young. Even though we are both older than you, my husband is nearing 30 himself actually, I'm sure there will be lots of judgment. I sympathize.
Now, I totally get people being rude about you getting married younger regardless of xyz facts (you've actually been together longer, etc etc etc). It's the same way here (my family was horrible about it). We haven't been open with one of my brother's sisters because she's very judgmental, thinks there's only one right way to live your life and everyone else is doing it wrong if they don't do it like her, her shit don't stink and we are always making the wrong decisions, etc etc etc.
She said at Christmas that when my SIL had her first at 25 she was "really really young" but she considers it "normal" to have kids at 30 now. She made it clear that she was emphasizing the really really part of young. Even though we are both older than you, my husband is nearing 30 himself actually, I'm sure there will be lots of judgment. I sympathize.
@xic Ugh, right? If I'm too young to be getting married in their eyes, then I'm sure I'm DEFINITELY too young to have children... Any time children have been mentioned in conversation and we say literally anything, we get the side-eye like we shouldn't even be talking about it until they've had them.. So frustrating!
Good luck with your own issues :/ that sister sounds like a pain, since when is 25 too young??? I always have to question the people that say you need to go and travel and explore the world or you'll regret it and resent your kids. I don't have the money to go travel even if I had a huge desire to, I'd rather be saving up for a baby.
Good luck with your own issues :/ that sister sounds like a pain, since when is 25 too young??? I always have to question the people that say you need to go and travel and explore the world or you'll regret it and resent your kids. I don't have the money to go travel even if I had a huge desire to, I'd rather be saving up for a baby.
@paleouss I got down voted on reddit the other day for telling someone I'm not missing out on anything by having kids young because all the things they listed were things I didn't enjoy (late nights bar hopping, staying at a restaurant with friends til closing, etc). Whatever. I'm happy with my life choices, I've always been an old soul and the partying and clubbing mentality has never suited me.
Yeah, his sister is...challenging. I'm really not excited for her to find out we are trying, which I'm sure will happen since my husband told his other sister we will be trying soon. It'll be interesting because last time his sisters were pregnant together, and now Judgmental Sister will be trying to get pregnant again. It was a lot of drama and hormotional women the 9 months. I'm sure it'll be even better with the added in judgment from them! Last time she was stoked to be pregnant with her sister and it was still a lot of drama.
Of course they judged us for moving back home (not a good career move!! And we didn't move near to them!) too, so it seems they're just judgmental in general.
Yeah, his sister is...challenging. I'm really not excited for her to find out we are trying, which I'm sure will happen since my husband told his other sister we will be trying soon. It'll be interesting because last time his sisters were pregnant together, and now Judgmental Sister will be trying to get pregnant again. It was a lot of drama and hormotional women the 9 months. I'm sure it'll be even better with the added in judgment from them! Last time she was stoked to be pregnant with her sister and it was still a lot of drama.
Of course they judged us for moving back home (not a good career move!! And we didn't move near to them!) too, so it seems they're just judgmental in general.
pleasehelp1
New member
@pleasehelp1 Amen amen! I'm not surprised that she had such a hard time transitioning into parenthood at 30+ because she had these wonderful ideas (and liked to judge her sister when she had kids first -- don't feed him mac & cheese! So unhealthy!) And reality was a lot harsher than that.
Whereas I've been working with kids for 10 years and I've seen a lot of babies, toddlers, kids - good and bad. I feel like I have a very realistic view of what parenthood will be and I'm not going to lose my head if kiddo needs to eat some mac & cheese on occasion
Whereas I've been working with kids for 10 years and I've seen a lot of babies, toddlers, kids - good and bad. I feel like I have a very realistic view of what parenthood will be and I'm not going to lose my head if kiddo needs to eat some mac & cheese on occasion
@xic I get attacked for that all the time, especially here.
Same for getting married young. Why are you settling down so you you have so much to do why don't you travel and grow and shit?
Uh. I want to do all of that with my husband? I was married at 21. Sure that's young for a lot of people, but I am not missing out on anything because of it. And I won't miss out on anything getting pregnant at 24 because the sorts of things you miss out on when you have a kid are either things I don't care about or things I've already missed out on because of nonhuman children.
I am so glad my family is not so damn judgmental about this stuff (at least not to my face). It's other stuff they get judgmental about. Like right now my mom is being a judgy shit because we are looking at getting a roommate. And apparently that's bad. However they are also judgy over how poor we are. And how we haven't gotten pregnant yet. Well. If we don't get that extra income in we will continue to be poor and will never be able to get pregnant.
Same for getting married young. Why are you settling down so you you have so much to do why don't you travel and grow and shit?
Uh. I want to do all of that with my husband? I was married at 21. Sure that's young for a lot of people, but I am not missing out on anything because of it. And I won't miss out on anything getting pregnant at 24 because the sorts of things you miss out on when you have a kid are either things I don't care about or things I've already missed out on because of nonhuman children.
I am so glad my family is not so damn judgmental about this stuff (at least not to my face). It's other stuff they get judgmental about. Like right now my mom is being a judgy shit because we are looking at getting a roommate. And apparently that's bad. However they are also judgy over how poor we are. And how we haven't gotten pregnant yet. Well. If we don't get that extra income in we will continue to be poor and will never be able to get pregnant.
@rtellard Reddit skews against these mentalities. Gotta love the downvote brigade! I'm perfectly happy to travel with my husband and not by myself. I mean, one night stands in skeevy hotels across the world just don't do it for me!
I got married at 20. And we won't have a kid until I'm 23 or 24. My mom was really against me dating my now-husband and even threatened to take my car away if I went to visit him since we were in an LDR. She was married and had a baby by 20 but I'm silly to not wait so much longer, you know. It's nice that the majority of my husband's family isn't judgmental about it though.
Mom logic. I sympathize.
I got married at 20. And we won't have a kid until I'm 23 or 24. My mom was really against me dating my now-husband and even threatened to take my car away if I went to visit him since we were in an LDR. She was married and had a baby by 20 but I'm silly to not wait so much longer, you know. It's nice that the majority of my husband's family isn't judgmental about it though.
Mom logic. I sympathize.
@xic Oy vey. It drives me nuts when people get pregnant just to be competitive... My aunts are that way. One is 7 years older than the other, older got pregnant (planned), then, a few months later from halfway across the country the younger was (unplanned). Then this past year, younger became pregnant (unplanned) and the instant they found out, older aunt and uncle started trying again. Just, why???
katrina2017
New member
@paleouss Just wanted to comment to say you don't have to tell anyone about your timeline. Seriously! When people ask you to wait for them or whatever, just smile and nod and say something sympathetic but don't make any promises!
Like others said, you don't know how soon you'll conceive, let lone how they will. It would be really silly to wait for something like that. If you tell them once you're pregnant there is a much lesser chance they'll be upset about it, since the baby is already there and not much can be done about that. They'll probably just be excited for you.
Sounds like these are not people you want to know your timeline anyway. You don't want people to be asking you for news or looking for signs all the time, if nobody knows when you'll be trying you have more chance you can let people know in your own time.
I would just tell one good friend
Like others said, you don't know how soon you'll conceive, let lone how they will. It would be really silly to wait for something like that. If you tell them once you're pregnant there is a much lesser chance they'll be upset about it, since the baby is already there and not much can be done about that. They'll probably just be excited for you.
Sounds like these are not people you want to know your timeline anyway. You don't want people to be asking you for news or looking for signs all the time, if nobody knows when you'll be trying you have more chance you can let people know in your own time.
I would just tell one good friend
katrina2017
New member
Thought I could add my personal story as I do understand the struggle.
My much older sister has been wanting to be a young mom all her life, but things didn't go her way. She had a miscarriage after a long TTC journey, and a divorce, and now the clock is ticking for her. I would love to become a mom soon, but SO and I are waiting for us both to finish grad school and have a job. We're aiming for 2020, and while it hurts to have to wait, I am very happy to give my sister a fair chance to get pregnant first (she'll be 39 by 2020).
However, she would NEVER ask me to wait to get pregnant. We talked about our wish to be a mom and she was only supportive and said she of all people knows life never goes like the ideal picture in your mind. She just said she hoped our children would not differ too much in age so that they can play together.
If something happened and SO and I would be in the position to start TTC earlier, we would. I would be sure to let my sister know first that I'm pregnant though, without any other people around.
It sounds like your sisters-in-law are being very immature and I think you shouldn't indulge them. It is your life, your body and you can share your plans with them if you feel comfortable enough, but there is absolutely no reason why you should ever tell them about any of that.
My much older sister has been wanting to be a young mom all her life, but things didn't go her way. She had a miscarriage after a long TTC journey, and a divorce, and now the clock is ticking for her. I would love to become a mom soon, but SO and I are waiting for us both to finish grad school and have a job. We're aiming for 2020, and while it hurts to have to wait, I am very happy to give my sister a fair chance to get pregnant first (she'll be 39 by 2020).
However, she would NEVER ask me to wait to get pregnant. We talked about our wish to be a mom and she was only supportive and said she of all people knows life never goes like the ideal picture in your mind. She just said she hoped our children would not differ too much in age so that they can play together.
If something happened and SO and I would be in the position to start TTC earlier, we would. I would be sure to let my sister know first that I'm pregnant though, without any other people around.
It sounds like your sisters-in-law are being very immature and I think you shouldn't indulge them. It is your life, your body and you can share your plans with them if you feel comfortable enough, but there is absolutely no reason why you should ever tell them about any of that.