I(21)F crushing on manager (42) M

N

natanyah

New member
So I'm a single mom living alone with my soon to be 2yr old daughter. I was in a relationship with my daughters dad for 8 years from the age of 12 years old but the relationship ended badly 9 months ago and he ended up recently getting sentenced to 8 years in prison for reasons unrelated to our relationship. I told my ex that I would stay by his side if he was getting gain time (reduced sentence for good behavior) he has only been in prison for 1 month and has already been in trouble. I ended the relationship and stopped all communication with him. I work at a hotel as a night auditor and l've had multiple dreams of one of the managers that come in the morning. He's a lot older than me and is also a single parent to a baby. He's foreign and we're completely different people. I've been obsessing about him for over a month now. This obsession could cost me my job but he makes it feel so worth it. He doesn't know my secret desire for him and we hardly ever see eachother but when we do lend up staying a little over my schedule shift time to spark conversation with him. He's much older than me and when I first met him I wasn't attracted to him at all. I can't get past this "crush" I have on him but I also kind of like it. I tried online dating for guys my own age but all the conversations are the same and since I work overnights and I'm a single mom I never have the time or the energy to talk to any of them.
I'm unsure what to do in this situation.
 
@natanyah As a single parent who's gone through some hard stuff, sometimes I have had crushes as a way to cope with the shitty stuff going on around me. It's a little dopamine boost in my day. It's a distraction. It takes me out of the bullshit that's going on in my life.

But the reality is never as good as the high i get off having a crush. The distraction has gotten in the way of me getting my life on track more quickly and providing for or being available for my kid. I regret the time I wasted on people who weren't actually good choices.

It's hard when our culture promotes companionship and especially male attention and connection as a way out. But, as you saw, it's not a guarantee and you're far better off building up your work life rather than sabotaging it.
 
@kimikoo You don’t need to be involved with another man who could likely upend your life again. Making your current situation worse for you and your child.

Redirect your energy to finding a supportive community to improve your wellbeing. There are tons of single moms looking to connect and support each other.

You’ve also experienced a difficult life change having a partner who is incarcerated. Find a compassionate therapist who can help you.
 
@aiysha If HE is a foreigner and has a baby..and a single parent ..does have huge red flags. Don't call me a racist you idiot. There is plenty wrong with dating a man in the scenario she described. ESPECIALLY since he is a foreigner.
 
@natanyah As a single mom who’s crushed on a superior, don’t do it.

Think of the consequences, especially if your employer has very strict policies about relationships with colleagues. Usually the ones with superiors are the worst. Think of how those consequences will affect your life and your child’s.

It sucks to say this but knowing you can’t financially rely on the father, no reason to risk your main source of income over a crush.
 
@natanyah About dream meanings - although they can be wish fulfillment, usually a dream of intimacy is about a desire to know someone more (not romantically).

It’s really not a good idea to get involved for a couple of reasons (and at least subconsciously you’re already processing this).

Different culture - it’s really difficult to make it work. His family (especially mom) likely won’t approve of you, no matter what he tells you. You didn’t mention if he’s a citizen, if he’s a different religion. That matters as far as outcome. Also, many cultures don’t respect American woman, see them as objects for sex and not marriage.

Also the age difference - you’re entirely different generations. You already have a kid from someone else, so I don’t know if you’d be able to get trophy wife status. More likely, he’d gladly have a fling with you and discard you if you get too emotional. Sorry to be harsh, but being honest about how men think. Ultimately you can have a consensual fling but don’t have emotions and don’t expect more from him than sex.
 
@natanyah My sister focus on yourself and raising your child, obsessing over man that much older than you who's also your manager won't end well for you from your post it seems you're not in good emotional and mental state to be in a relationship. Work on yourself go to therapy if need be so you can be the best version of yourself and the best mother you can be to your baby, you'll find a man worthy of you along the way
 
@natanyah My best advice is just focus on you and baby right now. It’s too soon to be involved with anyone, and it’s likely your feelings may just be a rebound to cope with the heartache/trauma from your long term relationship ending in a really difficult way. Your daughter is really young and her dad just went to prison. She needs your full attention right now. Not to mention, dating male partners as a single mom is extremely dangerous, and you have to make sure you’re in a fully healthy and stable place (mentally/emotionally/financially) prior to even considering it. Otherwise, you will be less likely to set the boundaries needed to keep your daughter and yourself safe.

Please don’t jeopardize your family’s safety or your source of income over some dude twice your age. I’d highly recommend waiting a couple years before dating, and taking that time to heal and just enjoy being a mama. You’re so young, you have all the time in the world to worry about men, but you’ll never get these days/months/years with your daughter back!
 
@valthor Best advice ! Thank you. I kind of know that already but the thrill I get from fantasizing about him gets me to stop thinking about my ex and I don’t think I’d ever actually take action in pursuing my manager in any inappropriate way, I’m too shy and I also don’t know how to be with someone else. I like that it’s just gotten my mind off of reality. I use my fantasies of him as a distraction to my pain. He’ll never know how I feel and he’s a very respectable man that I could see quickly turning me down. I also have a prediction that it could be that I get a “fix” from things I KNOW aren’t good for me. My daughters dad was not approved of by my parents for awhile when we met and it was so fun to hide him and we used to have so much fun. I like this fascination I have of my manager because it’s my new way of coping but I just don’t want it to be unhealthy for me and I need to just be happy with my life now and cherish every second with my daughter while she’s still so little. My circumstances just make enjoyment difficult right now.
 
@natanyah I'm (21f) also a single mother in a similar situation but I have crush on my customer (40 m) . Obsessing..
I'm a bartender, but we do have a lot of conversation going, never said anything to him tho.
 
@natanyah I relate to this so much. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through/ are going through. I do the same thing with crushes, it’s fun to have one.
 
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