I’m trying to navigate teen years with my daughter

[mrsmollett]

My daughter is 15 years old and is in tenth grade. She has had a 16 year old boyfriend since before Christmas and the relationship has grown to where it’s about the only thing she cares about. The boy, whom I’ll refer to as J, has fallen hard for A, my daughter, and vise versa apparently. It has gotten to the point to where in the last few months they want to spend after school together at his house and weekends at his house. J’s mom is a single mom (as am I) and she always has seemed willing to bring my daughter home on the weekdays after they spend time at her house or to come and get her at 7 AM on Saturdays and Sundays because she works nights and my house is on the way home to her house. At first I was OK with this because she said she was there with them and they were being supervised. One Friday night however, I found out that she went to the casino and left them alone together so I immediately went and got my daughter. I gave in to my daughter’s demands and let her go over there again. I am trying to give her a bit of independence so she can learn responsibility. It turns out, after the mom picks A. up on her way home from work, she goes straight home to her bedroom closes the door, goes to sleep and the two teenagers are left to their own devices. The mom assured me that they were under her supervision while A. was there. It turns out my daughter and J. had sex there at her house while the mom was asleep in her room. I had a good talk with my daughter and it was a good talk and I’m taking her to get birth control just in case but told her it’s a big responsibility to have sex and she’s too emotionally immature at this point to be in a sexual relationship. This is where I think I went wrong, I trusted the mom enough, because I talked to her about it as well, and I let my daughter go over there again a few times- I don’t know if they had sex again. The mom was going to come and get my daughter this morning again at 7 o’clock and I asked her if she is going to be awake to be supervising them and she said she would be sleeping because she works all night. This is different from what I understood. She said that she was right there in the house and that they are just watching TV and playing games and that she can hear what they are doing. I asked her if she heard them having sex and making out when she was “hearing them” when it happened?! If she was listening and knowing what they were doing surely she would’ve heard that, right?Anyway, so I told her I don’t think it’s a good idea for my daughter to be over there if she can’t be actively supervising A. & J. So now everyone is mad at me, (the teenagers, the mom.) I wanted to tell the mom that I am not going to allow my daughter to go over there and be her son’s fuck buddy. I am trying to be a parent and protect my daughter and give her boundaries. The mom seems to be going behind my back to allow this to happen and my daughter is extremely angry at me for not allowing her to be over there. I feel like she just wants to go over there because she has no supervision. This is one of the few text exchanges I have from this morning from the mom:

“Never doubt young love I know from experience if they want to be together they will find a way to be together. J seems to think that A is his true love and you can find the person you want to be with at 15 and 16. I do know people that have done that and those kids are crazy about echa other. “

This is another:

“You do what you need to do bc ultimate your the one that has to live with the outcome.
Of course I was sleeping and I assume they were in his bedroom”

I’m not sure what she means by me having to live with the outcome, I don’t know if she is implying that my daughter will run away or what. And I’m sure she knew what they were doing in the bedroom. I am calling a family and teen therapist tomorrow but I just wanted to get someone else’s opinion on this matter.

I know these are kind of short choppy sentences but I am just trying to get the main points out with it without it being too long to read. Thanks for taking the time! I would be happy to share more details

 

[arturo303]

@mrsmollett I understand your concerns, and the whole situation would stress me out, too. The only thing I will say is that although I agree that having sex at 15 isn’t ideal, once they start, it’s going to be difficult to stop them. Just make sure she’s safe and on birth control. Establish care with a GYN doctor.

Then think about boundaries that absolutely are not negotiable. Give her some freedom, but start thinking about your new non negotiable boundaries. For example, don’t get into a car with anyone who has been drinking.

I‘m not too impressed with his mom, but not much you can do, I realize. However, as the mom of a 17 year old son, I would have called you on the phone and been completely transparent about who was supervising here.

 

[arturo303]

And if she makes veiled threats about you having to live with the consequences, I would remind her that her son will be paying child support for 18 years if your daughter gets pregnant!

No, seriously, I would just ignore her if possible.

 

[jiminz]

@mrsmollett The other mom has a very different view than you, and it was disingenuous to lead you to believe she was there when she was actually at the casino or sleeping.

It's fine to have boundaries, and you dont need the other mom's approval for your boundaries. It's actuallty important you do model your boundaries because your daughter needs to know it's important she knows and defends hers

I sometimes find myself explaining myself to other parents and realized I don't need to explain or justify myself. I don't need their approval. This has been an important thing to remind myself as my kid has developed friendships with kids whose parents are absent, who have different priorities or rules than our family, who are "ok" with their kid doing things that I am hoping to teach my child not to do.

And I'm hoping my kids are watching and realizing that knowing who I am is more important than getting the approval of other moms.

The hard part about your situation is you're going to need to figure out a dynamic that you're comfortable with. The other mom isn't going to change. You shouldn't change your boundaries. So, change what you can. Maybe you host him at your house. Maybe you take them somewhere public. Might be better for their relationship to be doing stuff than just being in a house with a sleeping adult.

Eta. If it helps, my mom worked a couple jobs and was a parent that pretty much allowed us to do whatever. We rarely had any supervision, at all, at home. My friends' mostly had parents who were "more strict" and were always present. I loved going to their houses.

 

[katrina2017]

@mrsmollett Its a tough pill for parents but the reality is they will find the time and place to have sex one way or another, at least they were in a safe and private space. As others have said, the focus should be on teaching her respect for her body and enforcing her own boundaries, and being safe.
Sorry mama, I know this is hard but this could be an opportunity to develop a closer bond with your daughter

 

[dub_97]

@katrina2017 I think this hits closely with the reality of the situation. I think there might be some mentality from the other mom of the "well at least they're safe" type of deal. I've had friends get in trouble for having sex in public parking lots as teenagers. Just decide what battles are worth engaging.

 

[brad4god]

@mrsmollett Well, I believe you are trying to assert control over things you have no control over and you won’t have control over.

At 15, evolving the relationship towards sex is just a matter of time. Sex is healthy, is fun and there’s nothing wrong with her starting having sexual relationships at her age. There’s not much you can do apart from educating her on how to stay healthy and avoid an undesired pregnancy.

Regarding the whole scenario you described, they obviously go to his house to spend unsupervised time together (and by that I mean hugging, kissing and having sex not watching movies and playing games).

Regarding the other mom, she’s not supervising them. After a night shift, she will pass out at the couch or her bedroom. And she gave you further evidence by leaving the house one night. She can’t be trusted to supervise them.

What I would do? Invite them over to your place and double down on conversation and information with both of them. They’re mature about having sex, they’re mature to talk about it as well. Refrain from rules and boundaries, talk about your feelings and fears and listen to them. The more you treat it as taboo, set boundaries or instill fear the more secretive they will become.

Having responsibility over her sex life and her body is already a lot of responsibility. Empower her to have that responsibility and ensure you’re there for support and information but it’s her body, her rules.

Make your place very comfortable and welcoming to them, so that they want to spend time at your place where you will ensure there’s an adult taking care of them. My policy is that I prefer my kids at home than somewhere else. It’s not comfortable to know they’re having sex in the bedroom upstairs but, to me, that’s better than the backseat of a car in a parking lot somewhere.

She definitely needs birth control. He definitely needs to have a relationship with you as he may as well be “the one” and will be part of your life for a long time. Even if he’s not “the one”, he surely is now and you need to show her that you respect him and welcome him into your life because you love her.

On another note:

You do what you need to do bc ultimate your the one that has to live with the outcome

When I read that, I understood outcome = baby.

Good luck.

 

[mrsmollett]

@brad4god Thank you!

 

[mcrkilljoy]

@mrsmollett By "you having to live the outcome", means that you're the one who will get stuck raising and caring for the baby if they get pregnant.
Good for you that you are getting your daughter on birth control; talk to her about the importance of taking care of herself, the risk of getting an UTI, STDs, and that it would be better if she used at least two forms of birth control if she doesn't want to get pregnant.
Unfortunately, you're the only responsible parent here, so it's all of it in your hands.

If that woman can't care enough as to have two teenagers unsupervised, you can count on her and her son to bail out and move to another state if your daughter manages to get pregnant.

I wouldn't allow my daughter to go to the kid's house again. I'd better offer my house to them, because I'd be supervising them, and it would be an opportunity for you to teach your daughter about boundaries and self respect.
Also remember that the sooner women start having sex, the greater the risk for cervical cancer, so talk to your daughter about this as well.
Teach her to be a High Value Woman, don't allow that kid to turn her into his fuckbuddy.

 

[mrsmollett]

@mcrkilljoy Thank you for your great perspective, because I was thinking “you have to live with the outcome” meant I will have to live with her running away or just hating me in general. But one of my previous texts to the mom was “we don’t want a pregnant teenager and child support to think about”, and maybe that made her think she might be somehow held accountable if that happened.
I actually took my daughter to Planned Parenthood for an IUD insertion today and it was the first time she has really spoken to me since Friday. She was happy and in a good mood but she had a vasovagal episode during the blood draw so she did not get the IUD insertion, and on the way home she was very apologetic and kept apologising but then started accusing me of making her feel like I was inconvenienced which I wasn’t at all. I don’t know where that was coming from, so finally she settled down I got her a burrito and we came home and had a great afternoon watching TV and talking and eating, playing with the dogs & such. She went to her room & was on the phone with the boy & started in on me with the yelling & telling me she hates me etc. I can’t talk to her when she is like that so I just did what I needed to do in the bathroom and I just went the other room and I have no idea what caused that or why she would suddenly act that way after such a nice afternoon. I have a therapist lined up for her and she’s willing & wants to go and I’m looking for one for me and possibly both of us together because at this point I almost feel like it’s parental abuse. It is like I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with a man, except it’s my child and it’s heartbreaking. I don’t know how to handle it, I don’t know if she is just being manipulative and gaslighting me and doing it consciously and on purpose or if there’s something else, I’m just really confused and hurt, but thank you for your thoughtful response it really means a lot to have a different perspective and to have someone tell me that it’s okay to try to be a parent & hold your child responsible for their actions. And I plan on not letting her go to that boys house anymore but I’m really scared of the response I will get. I also told the Mom that my daughter has a lot more to lose in regards to her reputation and emotional damage and yes I do not want her to be this kid’s fuckbuddy. I have thought that Mom probably just wants my daughter over there so that her son will be happy and nice and calm because he is having sex. Have you raised a teenager by any chance because you have a lot of good advice that sounds like you have experience!

 

[mcrkilljoy]

@mrsmollett Sorry for taking this much time to answer.

I would like to know how you both are doing, did you manage to get her to therapy?

Yes, I'm raising a teenager, a daughter, no less, and I love her 'till the end of the world, but it's hard.

One thing that has helped us both, and our relationship, is to spend quality time together, as not only having dinner, but cooking together, going to the movies or to a restaurant together, going shopping, playing games, going to the forest, going horseback riding...
Also, I got her a therapist, a psychologist who has a Master's degree in raising children and teenagers; she's a young, nice woman, and my daughter has made a match with her, so that's pretty good.

Therapy has really worked for us. In the beginning, we started having sessions every week, one hour for my daughter, one hour for me, and the therapist helped me understand my daughter's feelings and gave me tools to deal with her actions, reactions, and feelings.

One year and a half after we started therapy together, I could say things have changed a lot for both of us, we have a stronger and better relationship. But this also meant appart from therapy I had to dedicate a lot of quality time to my daughter, but it has been worth it.

I also get support from my family. I don't directly expose my daughter's behavior to them, but there are several people who have already raised teenagers, so I talk to them about anything that is concerning me at the moment, but masking it as one of my daughter's friends behavior, so I can get their perspective on the topic. Family has been really helpful.

I send you a calid, virtual hug. Know that you are a good mother, and you're doing it very well.

You care about your daughter's wellbeing, and you have what's best for her in mind. That's great.

Don't be afraid. In the end, she will understand, if you teach her the right values, what she is worth, and you show her that you're there for her no matter what.

Trust her, and tell her that you trust her, but also teach her about consequences, and that she will be responsible for whatever comes out of her actions.

 

[mrsmollett]

@mcrkilljoy Thank you for all that! That is so nice that you put the time and thought into responding and we have found a therapist but we can’t get in until May. I encourage her to go on walks with me with the dog, which we have been doing and to do stuff around the house together, I am just trying to spend as much time with her as I can. She actually likes to talk to me when we are together, it’s just trying to arrange us to get together because she likes to be in her room on her phone or on her games or what not. It’s a fine line between pushing her away and inviting her and encouraging her, so I am trying to walk that line and I hope I can do it well. I hope we get a good therapist, because sometimes you just don’t click with them, so I am being very hopeful that it is someone we both feel comfortable with opening up to. And I have told her about consequences. We’ve had long talks about sex at a young age and how you would not want to get pregnant or have an abortion and different kinds of birth-control options. It’s like it seems like it was only yesterday that I was washing her hair and she would sleep in my bed with me & now she is almost an adult! Makes me sad and happy at the same time but I just want to protect her. And you are right, I think a big part of them learning is to teach her that I trust her and I expect her to be trustworthy. I send you a big virtual hug too! You are doing a great job too, I wish I could take my daughter horseback riding ha ha

 

[katrina2017]

@mrsmollett I'm not sure why you're entirely blaming the other mom when you let your daughter, at 15/16, sleep over at her boyfriend's house....you completely shifted parenting that you should be doing to that other mom and now blaming her for it. Of course they're going to have sex; they're in the throes of puberty. By "supervise", were you expecting the other mom to hang around them while they watch TV in the living room? They're in their mid-teens -- how can you expect the other mom to supervise them like that?

 

[mrsmollett]

@katrina2017 No, I think you misunderstood or I wasn’t clear she never spent the night only, in the mornings and I would get her in the early afternoon, or a couple of hours after school that’s only happened on a couple of weekends and a couple of days during the week, but no never spending the night sorry for the miscommunication. All I’m saying is if I had a kid over at my house, I would provide supervision for the few hours they were there, this was not a sleepover

 

[pmmg]

@mrsmollett This is a tough one. I would like to reply from the position of your daughter. Though, I’m a mom of a 15 year old now.
When I was 15 I started to have sex. I had a boyfriend that I loved and no one was going to stop me. If my parents tried to intervene I would just pull further away from them and tell them less. The more they pushed, the more I resisted.
If you forbid/or stand in between your daughter and her boyfriend you will find the outcome is not what your hoping for.
I’m close to my DD of almost 16 who has chosen to not date yet. But that’s just because it’s who she is and also because she is fulfilled in her relationships that she currently has.
What I think you may find more helpful is getting closer with your daughter. You need to matter more than her peers.
There is an incredible book by Gabor Maté called “Hold onto your kids”. It helped me a lot in reconnecting with my kids.

https://www.amazon.ca/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0307361969/ref=nodl_ Here is a link to the book.

In the mean time. LISTEN to your daughter. She WILL continue to have sex with her boyfriend. Share advice, not rules. Provide her with protection and condoms and talk to her about being a woman. Talk to her about safety and honouring her body. Remind her you love her no matter what. She will come around if she feels heard and understood. If you look at it like “she is my kid and I need to parent/control her behaviour”. You will lose any footing you may have had.
I wish you the best and I’m sorry you are in such a tough position. I hope you can have a sweet hug with her tonight and remind her you love her no matter what.

 

[mrsmollett]

@pmmg This is good advice, thank you for the thought you put into it. You are right, I have noticed that if I try to give her boundaries, she pushes back hard. I want to give her freedoms but also not just let her do what she wants, when she wants. I’m just wondering if I’m wrong for having any kind of boundaries. We’ve always had a close relationship, that’s how I know about the sex because she told me. So, I want to be a mom, but also want her to trust me enough to talk to me. I will check out that book & try to talk to my daughter.

 

[rednecklutheran157]

@mrsmollett You are not wrong for having boundaries - 15 is still YOUNG! Her first priority needs to be school. How are her grades? How neat/messy is her room? I would put conditions on her being able to spend time with her boyfriend: room must be clean, grades must be good. And then, the time still needs to be supervised. Your daughter isn’t even old enough to drive yet - I would make them date in public places - the mall, the movies, etc. - not in anyone’s house! When she is 18, she can spend all day and night with her boyfriend if she chooses, but at 15, there have to be rules. I know how hard it is to have these talks, but don’t feel bad for standing your ground!

 

[mrsmollett]

@rednecklutheran157 Thank you so much for your comment, I have done everything you have suggested! And I think you have excellent suggestions. Her grades are decent, and she was even asked to join the international baccalaureate program at her school, but decided to just take accelerated classes and college credits which is fine, her grades are good but certain classes grades could be better and her room is a complete mess, I do her laundry and fold it and then it somehow ends up all over the floor again and she never wants to help with chores. She tells me to do it myself, I think this is just a show of disrespect on her part. And I feel like I am the bad guy for trying to be a parent. I also I’m starting to think she is projecting because she asks me why I am yelling at her all the time and I don’t, it’s the reverse. I’m completely indifferent & almost numb, so I don’t know if she is just trying to confuse me or gaslight me or manipulate me. We actually had a really good day today and watched TV together, talked, looked things up on the Internet & talked about that, & ate. But when she went in her room, and I suspect she was on the phone with the boy, that’s when she started getting hateful. I have found a therapist for her and she said that she wants to go, and I am working on one for myself, and maybe us together. I have been looking up what it means -“parental abuse”- because the criteria absolutely fit with my situation. I hate being screamed at every night before I go to bed and I hate feeling this way and I’m very confused and I want the best for her but I cannot handle being ground down into the dirt. I am in tears just writing this, it breaks my heart. It reminds me of an abusive relationship with a man except she’s my daughter that’s why it’s so confusing. She seems to think that if she yells at me enough that I’ll break down and give her her way. Anyway, I just try to take a deep breath and remind myself that this will pass and we will get some help and advice and we will work through this, have you ever raised a teenager?