I’m so sick of feeling like I’m always doing something wrong…

@drawingangel2 Holy shit the entitlement to your body and labor. I'd be filing for divorce, I am so serious. This kind of behavior runs deep. Your husband is like a case study in why marital rape was legal until the 1990s in the US. Creepy as fuck that he thinks he has a right to demand anything from you sexually, not to mention treating you like a full service maid as well.
 
@drawingangel2 Uh, this relationship sounds abusive in the extreme. Any good wife does not need to pan fry their husband’s dinner when he throws a tantrum. He’s lucky you made him a plate period.

If he’s been working 14 hour days than you’ve been working 14 hour days as well taking care of the kids and doing all the work at home.

His behavior towards you is extremely gross and entitled.
 
@drawingangel2 Um . I don't want to put something in your head that might be hurtful or falsley alarming. But I really think I should share with you some red flags I'm seeing that indicate his unfaithfulness or his path to it. Ive personally known and watched unfaithful partners among friends coworkers even family and ive noticed patterns in their behaviors over the years that later ive connected dots on. Please use some salt on this though.

So his intense and improportionate disapproval for things that are out of your control like not going to smoke with him (how where you suppose to read his mind to go smoke with him even if you did hear him come in) or the salmon thing. That's him being overtly critical of you, almost like he's looking for things to complain about. So I found that once they've cheated or are on their way to doing so, they are looking for justification and or further reason to hate their relationship so as to give them let's say "fuel" to go through with it. I've seen that their minds get caught up in this belief or reality they want to create that their partner is the worst and that's why it's okay or they "need" to seek somewhere else. Human brains are so good at creating realities that are not there. If we try hard enough we can convince ourselves of anything really.

The fact that he mentioned his "needs not being met" and referring to sex was a big one to me. In fact, I feel like he might have set you up for that. Not only did he know you might be getting sick but he did something I'm pretty confident he knew would be upsetting and turn you off which is get in bed dirty. Not to mention a stinky dirty dick not being so appetizing. Not to mention..

A stanky ass attitude. Which is another. Instigating fights and setting you guys up for disagreements. It's just a further tool that cheaters use to convince themselves that the relationship isn't worth his commitment to it or to justify his actions/future actions.

He's also been staying at work late. Which may or may not be correlated.

I have found that a lot of the dynamic they build in the relationship with the other woman is that they create a villain and a hero type of set up. You're the grouchy or naggy or no longer fun whatever wife and the other woma gets to be the breath of fresh air from that. They often complain extensively about their "miserable" home life with their wives (which they created themselves most of the time by the way) to their hero mistress. They don't just complain to them to feel better about themselves and ease the guilt or ignore their fault in what they're doing. But it often helps the other woman feel useful or better about themselves too or even feeding their maternal nature or maybe even their "i can fix him" dilemma. This complaining and venting that he does can help the other woman stay in the affair bc she's also getting certain things in return.

. If only they could learn to speak openly about their emotional needs, especially as there are big transitions like parenthood etc. And communicate in order to create a plan to help everyone be in a healthy state of mikd. I'm sure had he brought up his concerns, you would have heard them and tried to help.

I don't really know what advice to give. I feel I've already stepped far in to your relationship and I don't know enough to see how this can be avoided or helped. All I would say is see if therapy is possible if he's willing and the therapist is good. Maybe just individual to start and then couples therapy. I just don't know how you or him would feel about that or if it's anywhere in your budget. I can say it's helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I think at least maybe I've pointed something out that you yourself cab analyze and see if it could be possible or not. Maybe at least if it is the case you are not blindsided or just plain unaware.

I hope I'm wrong about this. And I wish you the best in the near and far future.
 
@drawingangel2 Oh weird! I’m on vacation and my husband threw a HUGE fit last night because we weren’t going to have sex. Mind you, we’ve had horrible issues lately and he knows that I’m still not over a recent incident where his mom was in town and she cussed at me and he just went outside to the fire pit with her to talk shit about me together, while I struggled to put both babies to sleep by myself. He’s never apologized, he never spoke with her about it, and he has never even acknowledged how wrong it was and how absolutely traumatizing and devastating it was for me.

Anyway, we’re on vacation, and after getting 5 hours of interrupted sleep and traveling with two babies, plus the issues I described above, and he expected us to have sex!?! I’m talking he SCREAMED “I GUESS THIS IS MY LIFE AND I WILL HAVE SEX ONCE A YEAR!!” Like so loud that I was worried that my family in the next hotel room over could hear it.

He kept belittling me and refused to accept the fact that I’m tired and don’t WANT to do it. I told him that today was a great day and I feel more positive about our relationship (we’re literally on the brink of divorce), but I’m super tired and I’m not going to do it today. Tomorrow or a next day would be a different story, but today I’m tired. Honestly, I am disgusted even imagining having sex with him after the way he acted last night (and this is a common theme with him). He then aggressively kept asking me if I was ever planning to have sex with him again. I didn’t even answer because at this point, no. I have no desire to even have sex with someone who throws a fit and doesn’t respect my own human needs of being fucking exhausted from traveling (flying) all day and wanting to rest.

Like how can I be attracted to someone with those values? And he was drunk, angry, and very aggressive about it all. He also said I’m afraid of intimacy…? No, I refuse to have intimacy with someone I’m disgusted with.. he calls it “fear of” and “withholding” intimacy. I’m afraid to traumatize myself further due to forcing myself to have sex with someone who makes my stomach turn. Like I don’t WANT to do it. My vagina has turned inside out, and the more he throws fits and treats me badly, the worse it gets.

Like he will give every excuse, that I’m afraid, I’m broken, I have childhood trauma, I’m withholding sex. But he will NEVER even consider that the way he literally acts and treats me determines ALL of this. It literally is just him. He controls it all. And now, he’s set him self back even further by throwing a fit about me being tired and not wanting sex. Like come on.

And he’s going to read this comment because he stalks my profile, so I can’t WAIT for YOU to threaten to divorce me, get extremely aggressive and angry with me, and continue to pressure me for sex. 😒 hint: none of that is helping your case.

Edit: spelling
 
@ej99 Ugh! That was terrible of him to not only back you up but go along with it.

It’s so weird how men will have tantrums about sex. Like my guy, a tantrum isn’t going to make me horny. Such a turn off.

I’m sorry you are going through that
 
@drawingangel2 I don’t think these kinds of guys care if you’re horny or not. They just want you to “let” them, they don’t care if you enjoy it.

And that’s incredibly disgusting and not okay, just ftr.
 
@jdpligrim I appreciate the advice ❤️ I don’t think that’s the route I want to go, because we really are a great little family. It’s just that we both have our issues, and this one is sooo annoying. BUT I can’t pretend I don’t have my own heinous moments and I’m grateful he didn’t jump straight to divorce with me and is willing to work on it, as am I. It’s not the most ideal situation at the moment but I do truly believe we will work this out.

Edit: 140 days later, it didn’t get better. It got worse. Likely headed to separation.
 
@ej99 I would sooner have sex with a stranger than my husband when he behaves like an asshole roommate who doesnt cook or clean. At least the stranger doesn't treat me like shit.
 
@drawingangel2 I would be livid and he'd definitely know it.

My husband's worked nothing but 12hr shifts this week (he works in manufacturing). He's generally hot and exhausted when he comes home, and appreciates whatever effort I put in even if it isn't always the best. That said, his shifts are also mine with a toddler (who's currently screaming because I won't let her play with my feet), two dogs, and a house that needs kept up with, and he's well aware that being a SAHP isn't a walk in the park. Yesterday was a total garbage fire for all of us but he said it was okay anyway.

So, yeah. He's the bad guy. He can live with that feeling as long as it takes for him to learn how to act less like a toddler (or less than, because even my toddler is more mature than that sometimes).
 
@maisypolly I am livid! I honestly thought he would wake up today and realize what a jerk he was being. Between how he acted and getting barely 3 hrs of sleep last night, I am really spiraling today. I just can’t believe he called me to say “my needs weren’t met last night” as if he had a leg to stand on. Ugh. Just makes me feel like there’s bound to be a fight tonight
 
@drawingangel2 The thing with kids is they REALLY bring out the worst in a person. Sometimes who they really are.
So the wonderful person you married could be someone else entirely and that sucks cause now you’re tied to them through a kid.
So even to leave in this case you would need lots of advice from the partners of narcissists group.

Also, I so hate to say this but doesn’t it look like cheating on the outside? The late hours. The pushing you away. The demanding sex and then being all upset like ok I gave her the chance to do it herself!

The meal- cause suddenly you’re being compared to the girlfriend.

Just a thought as you go over everything
 
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