I’m in tears…

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bobezeh

New member
I wrote a post on here a couple weeks ago and got some helpful tips, so thank you! My husband and I came up with a plan for gentle sleep training that we think we can actually do. We've been doing it only for a few days and I feel better knowing we have a plan. What I don't feel better about is everything else.

My baby is 5 months old and she is the light of my life. She also wakes up more than any other baby I know. (It's obviously because I'm so cool to be around 😎) I know comparing my sleep to anyone else's isn't productive, but I can't help it! I'm so jealous of new parents who get more than 1.5 hours of continuous sleep a night (and complain about it-seriously)!

Tonight, I followed our plan and it took 30 minutes for my baby to go to sleep. No, she did not put herself to sleep. I just reached our cutoff point. An hour later - just when I was thinking I was in the clear - false start. She's been having these for months. At this point we're surprised, impressed and grateful when she doesn't have a false start. I feel I've tried everything and I can only hope it goes away once she (eventually) puts herself to sleep.

Another hour later, when I was finally in bed and ready to go to sleep, she woke up screaming to nurse. Usually she doesn't eat this early in the night, but we had a wonky day schedule-wise because last night was a nightmare, so she probably didn't eat enough.

I HATE complaining about my baby's sleep because I am so beyond grateful for her. She is a blessing. I am so in love with her. I am so thankful every day that I get to be her mommy and stay home with her. This is the best time of my life - it also just happens to be the most tired time and sleep deprivation is hard. I guess what I'm looking for is comfort. I'm so tired and keep feeling like I'm doing something wrong and my baby's bad sleep is my fault.
 
@bobezeh I just want to say, baby’s sleep pattern has nothing to do with parenting, I am going through sleep deprivation with my second one as we speak, and my baby is getting almost 9 months old and wakes up every 25 mins at night to nurse to sleep. And I have a preschooler and my day is very busy and tiring plus the sleep deprivation. Even my first baby did not sleep well at all throughout the first year and then once he was 14 months old he started to sleep through and it got better.
 
@bobezeh First I want to acknowledge your difficulty and say, hell yes sleep deprivation is HARD. I never sleep trained my son. He’s 9 months, sometimes he sleeps in my room, sometimes his crib. He naps in his crib and has been for about 4 months. Surprisingly, he has no issues falling asleep in his crib at night when I put him in there, and I’ve never had to “sleep train” him. He’s been sleeping through the night since he was about 4 months old with the exception of a few
mild regressions. I think he’s just really secure, and I’m really lucky.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself as a mother - we all try to follow these rigid paradigms about what we should and should not do with our babies and it honestly interferes with instinct sometimes. When my baby cries, I pick him up. If he doesn’t want food, I don’t make him eat it. If he wants to be held, I do my best to be there and carry on with what I’m doing, holding him. It’s not always easy, I’m a working single parent. But he’s happy and rarely fussy. Whatever I’m doing it’s working (who knows how), and I believe part of it is not worrying so much about the “shoulds” and “should nots” and just focusing on meeting his needs. Give yourself a deserved mental break and know you’re doing your best and you love your daughter. That is what she needs :)
 
@bobezeh My pediatrician told me to never let my baby cry longer than 20 minutes consecutively. He said it doesn’t count if they cry for five stop for one and start crying again. I sleep trained my son when he was 9 1/2 months old. He is 11 months old now and we used the cry it out method. The first couple of nights were torture. But now when I put him in his crib for nap time or bedtime he goes to sleep without crying at all. IMO 5 months old seems a little young to sleep train but that’s just my opinion. It’s not easy but it’s worth it for you and for the baby in the end.
 
@bobezeh Hey there. First of all, congrats on your baby, they’re amazing and I totally feel everything you talked about.
Sleep training I think is more than just cry it out or fuss it out. And I am not against it but my baby is 6 months next week and sleeps 8-10 hours a night without feeds.
Our secret? A consistent bedtime routine and a consistent naptime routine.
From 6 weeks on, every night we give him a bath, we put him in PJs (was a sleep swaddle before he was out of that) we read him a book or two (if he’ll tolerate it) and then a bottle. We then rock or sway him to sleep (takes about five min) and keep the room door closed, dark, and with the same sound machine.
For naps, we make sure he’s eaten recently, we put him in his sleep sack, turn the sound machine on, dim the light and rock him/sway him. Same sleep environment with the difference of the sleep sack.
I think that the same process signals to him that it’s time to sleep, it’s safe to sleep, and he needs to sleep. Sometimes we have false starts but that’s from a wonky day or too long of a wake window.
My second trick is being very aware of wake windows and feeds. I watch his sleep cues like a hawk and instruct others to do the same. I make sure he gets at least 3 hours of sleep during the day for naps.
I do realize that not all babies are the same, they are more sensitive, more distracted. But I really do believe it starts with a routine that you have to follow. And we sacrificed time out and visits and things to set this schedule. Home for naps, home in time for bed. But I really do think it was key to getting him in the routine.
Best of luck!
 
@bobezeh More than 30 mins to sleep and a false start indicates not enough sleep pressure. Have you worked out how much sleep she needs in 24h? My baby is low sleep needs and ensuring her naps don’t go over 2h is the only way we get her to sleep well at night.
 
@djane She seems to be on the lower end of sleep needs, but I don’t know exactly how many hours she needs in 24. The past 2 nights she took less than 5 minutes to sleep. We stopped rocking and just comfort her in the crib (for now-planning to phase this out as well). I’m currently nursing her back to sleep after she screamed for almost half an hour and nothing else was working. I think she’s accustomed to eating at this time because nursing has been the answer to false starts since the newborn days when she was always hungry….she wakes up even when she gets a good feeding half an hour before bed so it seems like it must be habit at this point (even though she is really gulping it down), right? Any ideas?
 
@bobezeh From what you say about her really gulping it down, I'd take it as a legitimate need then. For over 1+ & eating, maybe it could be habit as you say, (I am currently working on breaking my 16 month old who is in his own room, from waking out of habit once or twice in the pre midnight night, but he has not been fed at night since a couple of months ago and is slowly getting the hang of the self soothe, slowly only because he started teething with 6 teeth soon after that change & it Took me a few weeks to realise 'why so scrappy!')
In your stage of new baby and for a while, nursing has many more functions than nutrition, nurture, soothing, closeness things needed for your babies emotional development. There's a lot of our own freedoms and enjoyments we put on hold until later at this point in parenting, because it's only for a short season they need you so much, but it does set them up for life.

Babies often have growth spurts, their own timing, but commonly at 4 & 6 months and they feed or suckle more for a while beforehand because they need to up their supply, your supply... They're the best professional to consult on if and when they actually need it.
 
@bobezeh My kids had a really hard time until I started being extremely consistent with them. Wait 5 minutes then check in (soothing voice) for 15-20 seconds (no contact, just for emotional support). Then wait 10 minutes and repeat if still crying. Then wait 15 minutes and repeat. Then keep coming in every 15 minutes until she falls asleep. If she wakes up, start the cycle over. Never pick her up unless she has a physical need like a diaper change or seems actually sick or hurt (this has never been an issue for me). Never stay in the room for more than 15-20 seconds. Never waiver. When I was consistent, my babies learned quickly and I never really needed to let them cry for hours (and they were never crying alone for more than 15min at a time), I just needed to be consistent. I also never went in at all between 4-6am because I found going in was more disruptive than anything due to them having the lowest levels of melatonin in their system at that time. Do this method (or some variation on it) consistently for 2-4 weeks and I promise you will see life-changing results. I liked the check ins every 5-15min because I didn’t feel like I was ignoring my baby and could let her know I was there for her and not abandoning her, but at the same time I was letting her know that bedtime was all business and this is how she learned to self soothe. She went from sleeping 0 to 12 hours a night consistently after a couple of weeks (and I saw improvement before that immediately). Overall, my consistency resulted in less confusion and less crying for her. I have twins and this method worked for both of my kids even though one was a much worse sleeper than the other so I think this really will work for most if not all babies.
 
@heidierheidi My baby will cry until his face is redder than a cherry and scream so loud I know it's hurting him. He continues at this extreme level for over a minute. I can't let him do that. And Absolutely nothing calms him unless I pick him up. We've even tried warmies stuffed animals. Nothing works. Any tips?
 
@grandmasylly I understand - my son often was like that! Have you tried holding the pacifier in his mouth for him while rubbing his belly or head or back softly until he calms down (also while shushing)?
 
@heidierheidi He has never liked pacifiers. So teaching him self soothing has been almost impossible. Patting his back works maybe 10% of the time. We've found a bunch of things that work for a few days, then never again.
 
@heidierheidi I am always amazed and in awe of parents of twins!!!! Thanks for the tips! My husband and I have started being VERY consistent about not picking her up — unless, like you said, there’s a physical need.
 
@bobezeh Posting in solidarity! My 8 month old is the sweetest, jolliest, cutest little angel in the entire world and of course I’m biased lol. We sleep trained at 6 months and he does well putting himself to bed but still wakes up 3/4 times each night consistently and i just don’t have it in me to attempt to fix that so I’m just chugging through this time period and taking the early AM snuggles and sleep deprivation in stride 😅.

He’s not going to wake up all night long for forever. The nighttime snuggles will end all too soon. I’m fairly certain i won’t look back on this time and think “geez i wish i got more sleep” over “im so thankful for the special cuddle time with just him and me” (since during the day his older toddler sister competes for my attention).

It’s insanely cliche but profoundly true to say they’re only little once and time is a thief; and I’m thankful for those moments, despite being gloriously sleep deprived and brain fogged, where i can feel my little baby’s weight on my chest when he sinks into me and stops crying because I’m just his home base and ultimate comfort. I just love being a mom to littles.
 
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