I’m f$&%ed, this is f&@?ed

@nerdwellness same! 11 mos old son, literally started last friday night and now he only fusses less than 2 mins and is asleep for both day and night rests. my heart still breaks whenever i hear him fuss or cry but i know this is for the best.
 
@kworld12 I have absolutely no experience in this realm as a parent, but when my sister and I were little we would sometimes "camp out" in mom's room. She would make us a makeshift bed on the floor with a bunch of pads and blankets at the foot of her bed. We would sleep there for a few nights at a time before getting tired of the floor and going back to our beds. But we were like 4 and 7 yo?

If you have space you could try that and say it could be her backup bed, then at least you still have your bed to yourself.
 
@kworld12 Have you tried a Hatch nightlight? Our daughter (3.5) likes to pick her “nighttime color” and knows green is when she gets out of bed. We’ve also done pom poms and she gets to put one in a mason jar when she sleeps in her bed all night, when the jar is full she gets a prize. You can also try a straight up prize box, I’ve found a lot of prizes at Target & Amazon for cheap - or make it an activity “prize” she loves. Good luck… feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back for us at the moment.
 
@kworld12 Consider how much longer trying gentle methods is worth it to you. What is worth it. Start with that! Then- what isn't worth it? Maybe it will help guide your next step. For me, I felt like I was dying from sleep loss. I didn't want my son to be w/o a mother. May sound ridiculous but I have some major health issues... and I really felt like I was slowly degrading (I had long lost my mind). After trying "gentle" methods for months, I decided something else was more worth it. I also came to believe that switching things around and sometimes these "gentle" methods themselves really can cause undo stress and aren't always so gentle. No judgement here- Just sharing my experience. I loved the Happy Sleeper method (it does involve crying but is very predictable so the child comes to "trust" what they know will happen next)...for me it felt truly more evidence based than other things i'd read about as far as not being "harmful". I loved that Dan Siegel did the forward because I really believe in the attachment theory he came up with (not attachment parenting). My main concern in all of my choices was knowing I was not hurting my son in any way, our bond, his trust of me or the world.... anything. That to me was a terror. Almost instantly, after reading a zillion methods-the Happy Sleeper resolved that for me. It still took me a few weeks to do it because I wanted to make sure I had it exactly right, but it completely changed my son's sleep-and therefore mine and my husbands, and now I feel alive again and have come out of postpartum depression/anxiety-all just my experience....sharing with care. Hope you find some rest soon!
 
@kworld12 If a physical barrier isn't an option, give her one "it's bedtime, go back to bed please" then stop engaging and start moving her back to her bed. No chat, no extra stories, because you want to be as boring as possible. You might have to do it 100 times on the first night but after a few nights she will realise that it's more effort than it's worth to get out of bed.
 
@arshivelan I keep reading about this method but I expect my almost three year old would have an actual tantrum if I did that. Is that to be expected? Like she would start crying hysterically and run back behind me.
 
@daniela77 Probably, and that’s when you pick her up and bring her back without a word and then do it again, and again and again. It sounds harsh but if you giver her stories or hugs or whatever she wants why would she ever stop? This method will work and you’ll both be happier because of it.
 
@arshivelan Do you know how long it might take to see progress? I feel like I would need a xanax prescription to keep it together if I had to do that at bedtime and throughout the night haha. We massively failed with the excuse me method and went from one night waking around 1am to 4-5 wakings starting as early as 9:30pm because she was yelling to see if I was coming back to check on her (even though she was falling asleep independently after two or three excuses.)
 
@daniela77 It’s tough. My girl was the same and it took 2 nights. It’s very tough. Hang in there. If she’s sleeping and you’re sleeping you’ll both be happier. Let me know how it goes!
 
@arshivelan Oh man, I am sorry to say we didn’t even try. Her exciting new big bed was delivered a few days ago and it went straight to the basement so she is still in her crib. Her separation anxiety has been so bad—it just didn’t feel like the right time. I gave up all sleep training methods and just put a mattress in the hallway, so she cannot see me but she can see the bottom of the mattress. I stay on the mattress while she falls asleep (15-20 min) and then go on with my evening. She knows that I will stay on the mattress is she is quiet. If she cries or screams, I leave. I don’t mind the downtime, I can catch up on emails and play with my phone—that part doesn’t bother me. My bedroom is literally next to hers so some nights I am able to stay in my bed all night and she sleeps happily. Other nights, if I hear she needs me I rush to the mattress and end up spending the night on it, so I can verbally reassure her. I know this plan can’t and won’t last forever. But for now it means we’re all sleeping and technically she is still alone in her room so that’s the best I can do at the moment. A bit disappointing after being so invested (and successful!) with sleep training, but her toddler willpower is just too crazy.
 
@kworld12 We have a baby gate on our near-3's door. Could you look into that, or one of those childproof door handles? Explain to her that she needs to sleep in her own bed, and that she won't be able to come out to visit you after bedtime any more. It might take a week or two for her to get used to the idea, during which you can expect a lot of yelling.
 
@ktmbdm2019 This worked great for my son when we transferred him to the toddler bed. He used to cry at the door for a few nights but once he realized he couldn’t get out he got used to it. Even now three years later, he will knock on the door to come out. We don’t tell him the doorknob cover is gone. He forgets that he can totally come out on his own. 😂
 
@cascus We had a baby gate on our son’s door from when he came out of the cot, just before his third birthday, until he was about 4. He is 5 now. To this day he has never left his room at night without cause. Go to toilet, fill up his water, or come and say good morning when his gro clock changes to yellow. In fact the only time he has turned up in our bedroom at night it was 3am and his gro clock had gone off by accident 😄

It’s like he genuinely doesn’t realise he can leave his room. If he wants us, he calls out over the monitor, but his bed might as well be a remote island he’s stuck on!
 
@ktmbdm2019 omg the yelling is so crazy. I didn’t expect so much stamina and intensity in the crying. Our 3yo started to poop her pants at bedtime so I had to go back in. She managed to poop her pants for night wakings several times as well. The excuse me method worked amazing at bedtime but backfired big time with her waking up every hour after 9:30pm to ask if I was coming back to check on her. I have never heard of that happening with other kids before but that’s what it did to mine (made her anxiety worse.)

Right now I am laying on a mattress in the hallway next to her room. She can’t see me but she can see the mattress and blanket so it helps her anxiety and staying quiet in her bed. She was fully sleep training and sleeping 12-h nights with no wakings before this. So hard. At least she is technically alone in her room…
 
@kworld12 At three she's old enough to understand that things are going to be different and to talk about her new sleep routine, and even to make some choices about it (like teeth first or potty first etc) - you could make up a chart together with your routine.

Then give her a few days warning that things are changing. Then go ahead and make the change, and keep the boundary firm (you're also in a big boundary testing age! Keeping boundaries firm helps kids feel secure.)

I reckon the excuses method might work better for your kiddo- the first one I'd make super short, like "I'm just checking your door closes properly".

Are you fans of Bluey? Even just as a parent I'd give Sleepytime a watch (Bingo talks about having a big girl sleep and waking up in her own bed) (also, emotional, bring tissues.)

https://www.reddit.com/r/sleeptrain/comments/s3ghy6/cyclemams_baby_sleep_guide

For older kids, there are four methods that I know of.

1) chair method- also called sleep lady shuffle. Basically you gradually move a chair out of the room by moving it a little each night.

2) excuses method. This is like reverse Ferber. Instead of check ins, check out. Do your routine with snuggles etc, but leave with an excuse like "I have to go to the toilet, I'll be right back" etc. Teaching kiddo that you do keep your promise, you will be back, and they are ok to be alone and hopefully fall asleep. Longer and longer "check outs" after a fairly short initial one.

3) Super Nanny method. There's a process, but basically you just end up plopping kid back into bed until they give up and stay in bed.

4) baby gate the room, kid proof, they may fall asleep on the floor, that's cool. Then do CIO or other more standard younger kid method. (This is for kids who aren't in a cot/crib anymore. )
 
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