I’m a single working mom of 2 and all I’ve been feeling lately is rage and sadness

[teofansan]

Long post warning

I am a single mom of two beautiful girls 5 and 14 months. I love them to death and I love being their mom. My 5 year old (L) is so sweet, kind, intelligent and creative. My 14 mo (G) is strong willed, sassy, sweet and loving. But G is so much more clingy and constantly up my ass than L was. She needs to be held ALL the time and I can never leave her sight. Being a single working mom I feel like I never get a break. Im working as a waitress most nights. When I’m home I’m needed constantly and waiting on my kids. At work I’m also constantly needed and waiting on people. I’m ALWAYS being needed. I’m tired of being needed all the time. And I’m tired of using all my time that I have to myself, to get things done around the house instead of being able to use that time for me. When G is napping is the only rime I have to get anything done since she is attached me constantly. Laundry, dishes, picking up toys and other shit. And when she wakes up or L is playing the house gets even messier even though I’ve spent two hours cleaning. I’m tired of constantly cleaning and picking up the same shit that I just cleaning and picked up. Lately I’ve been feeling so much internal rage about these things. The being needed constantly, the screaming and whining, my house never staying clean for more than two seconds. Yesterday, Mother’s Day, kind of made everything worse. All I wanted yesterday was to just get a break. That’s it. One fucking break. G spent most of the day up my ass screaming at me about anything and everything. We went out to dinner with my family, my parents, my brother and my sister and her fiancé. We had a nice time. At the end of the meal I over heard them (everyone except me) talking about going to another restaurant to grab after dinner drinks and some dessert… obviously I knew I wouldn’t be able to go because I had to bring my girls home and get them ready for bed ( it was probably 6:30 at this time). But the rage, sadness and disappointment I felt at that moment was so overwhelming. They just made these plans to grab drinks and completely left me out. When all I wanted and needed yesterday was just a fucking break. So while the rest of my family went out and have fun together I got to drive home with G screaming the whole time and continued her screaming while I tried to get her to go to bed. I don’t like feeling like this. I was never this kind of my mom with L. I was fun and spontaneous and loving. And now I feel like I’ve turned into a rage monster. And I HATE feeling this way and I don’t know how to make it go away.

 

[hometrimming]

@teofansan You described how I felt when my kids were babies. There was no point in trying to put toys away or clean up when it would just be messy again in a few minutes. I had a child that wanted to be held constantly too and after awhile I just wanted to be left alone and not needed constantly. Couldn’t go out to eat because she cried constantly and the experience just wasn’t worth going. Honestly it was a dark place.

I never really figured out how to solve it, I did what I could, let go of trying to make the house look a certain way and yeah some days it just was a mess and that’s the best I could do. Then they eventually got older and it got so so much better. It will happen hang in there. These are the toughest times. But I promise will get better. Now I read your story and it takes me back to those days, I could never do the baby or toddler stage again!

 

[ubicaritas]

@teofansan It gets easier as they get older - hang on in there! One day you’ll miss having them clinging to you and needing you so much and it will happen before you know it. Whenever I’m feeling tired and fed up I try and remember the saying:

“the days are long but the years are short”

 

[lovecraftfan]

@teofansan Just remember, this isn’t going to be your life forever. Things will get easier. Once both the kids are old enough to go to preschool or school, you’ll start getting some of that free time back. Mine are almost in middle school now and are practically like roommates. Soon I’ll be able to leave them home alone and I wont even have to worry about babysitting. And although raising them to this point felt like a long slog at the time, looking back it feels like it went by so fast.

 

[kingoffrogs]

@lovecraftfan Legit. Mine are 5th and 7th grade now (raised alone since 2-yo and 8-mo} and I kinda sorta miss the old days when it was so much harder. It wasn't easy, but we made it through and we thrived despite everything. So many hardships then, but so many good memories nonetheless.

 

[mora68]

@teofansan Sorry you're going through this, OP. I can really relate to a lot of what you're saying - that feeling of not wanting to be needed ALL the time and using free time for YOU and not just cleaning, washing, tidying, etc. It's such a hard stage, my Son is 2 and some days I'm just like: "Holy shit you are driving me crazy! I'm not cut out for this!"

Don't feel guilty about this though, anyone else would feel the same way. You're doing the work of two parents and working on top of that. AND You don't have any time to yourself. It's fucking shit. I hope things get easier for you soon or that you at least have some good days ahead.

I presume your family aren't very helpful with the kids?

 

[cassian]

@teofansan Smoke a little herb, breathe and relax. You are blessed!