I’m [23F] about to be a single mom of 2

[happyhippopot]

I’m going through a divorce and somedays I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Today is one of those days and I’m feeling a little extra miserable.

I’m not done with school yet, currently a SAHM with no income of my own, and have a 3 y/o w/ autism and a 2 y/o.

I just get so anxious when I think about the weeks, month, and year ahead and how I’m going to do this (I’ve been doing it on my own for a long time, but I know it’ll be a little different once I’m divorced.) I’m anxious, simultaneously scared, and hopeful. I know I’ll be a little beat up at first, but stronger in the long run.

However, sometimes I feel like I’ll never get to live life to the fullest anymore. I’m trying to forgive myself and let go of the past and focus on having a better future, but it’s hard. Like, really hard.

I know this feeling isn’t forever and I just need to hang in there, but I always sweat the small stuff and rarely can think positively.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[jkrlynch]

@happyhippopot It really won't be different when your divorced. The only thing that will change is your official status instead of selecting married it will be single/divorced. Like you said you have been doing this on your own for a while, so you amd your kids routines won't/shouldn't change.

 

[jetvet4christ]

@jkrlynch This. Shockingly little changed after my ex left - I realized just how much I had been doing (see: almost everything) on my own with zero help from him. He was physically present but otherwise almost entirely absent, doing the absolute bare minimum when he was forced to participate. Once I got over the shock and adapted to the complete absence of help, it actually was easier not having him in the way, backseat driving or being a general ass. I'm honestly happier now that he's gone. I definitely have days and moments of what feels like crushing loneliness, but those are days when I reach out to people, get in what comfort or socialization I can, etc.

 

[jkrlynch]

@jetvet4christ I know that feeling and understand completely where your coning from. Having been in that position I can completely relate.
Unfortunately for me my ex is still an ass. I hope that for you going forward he either steps up or steps out that way you know where you stand....

 

[jetvet4christ]

@jkrlynch Oh, mine is still an ass. He moved across the country to live with his mom, so "stepping up" isn't happening anytime soon. He claims that he plans to go to college and get a degree (something I spent our ten years together begging him to do; he refused), then come back, get his own place, and coparent with me. I'll believe it when I see it. Until then, I'm effectively a solo parent. He asks me about once every month or so how the kids are doing, but that's it. He pays his child support (and not a dime more; he's already paying less than he should but because he moved to another state with lower wages and is purposefully dragging his feet on finding a better job, the income vs. poverty line rule kicked in.) We'll be legally divorced within the next couple weeks once the judge signs off on the final papers.

For the sake of the kids I'd love to say he'll step up someday, but like I said - I'm not holding my breath until he physically does it. Ten years with the dude and I realized far too late that I was the only person actually doing anything.

 

[jkrlynch]

@jetvet4christ Me and you could be the same person from different sides of the ocean...lol
I am in the UK. After 10 years of him playing fun dad, csa (mandated child support) has finally caught up with him and his income. I am finally receiving whats fair and he is moaning about it as it hurts his pocket.
If he your ex wants to play dad in 10 years let him because at that point your son will be old enough to tell him to go away as he won't know who he is

 

[godspell]

@happyhippopot I have been a single 'only' parent for 14 going on 15 years now, since my ex walked out of our lives when my son was a few months old, never to be seen again. I'm not going to lie to you, it can be so hard. Especially with a special needs child; my son is too. He is on the high end of ASD, but we've struggled every day with behavioural issues, trouble in school, special education, therapists, the list goes on. BUT, being a parent is hard no matter what! My sister is happily married with 4!! kids. Her job as a parent, with a supportive, present partner is no easier than mine. My point -- you will be OK. Your kids will be OK. Do you want to know how I know? Shitty parents don't worry like you do. Reach out to your family and friends for support and help. You don't need to do this all by yourself. It does not make you weak to ask for help. Just the opposite - it takes a lot of strength and courage to admit you need & then actually ask for help. There is a lot of negative bullshit in our society that says you should be doing wonderfully by yourself, working full time & killing it at your job, keeping a perfect home, and baking f*ing cupcakes for the PTA with all your free time. That is a fantasy that only exists for people with nannies and housekeepers. You can do this. I did, and my son is (so far) a happy & healthy kid, who still suprises me sometimes with the kindness of his otherwise cynical, moody teenaged heart. This awful, awful part where you don't have the time to properly grieve for your failed relationship is the hardest part. I know I wanted to just crawl into bed and cry for days, but you can't because there are little people counting on you. It's OK to feel that way, and you might for a while. But it will pass. Those amazing kids who can make your whole day with just a smile will get you through. But if you can, please try to see a therapist for yourself. If nothing else, you will get a break & time to focus just on yourself for an hour a week. You can do this, I believe in you. Feel free to DM me anytime if you want to talk.

 

[will8764]

@happyhippopot I’m in the middle of a divorce as well and my kids don’t see their father because he doesn’t care to put in the effort. Child support doesn’t always come in and I receive assistance like WIC and EBT. It’s hard! My son is 7 years old and he’s also on the spectrum. His doctors office reached out to me to get SSI for him up to $780 a month. (Im in California)I’m still in the process but it should definitely be something to look in to. Good luck to you and I know this road is rough but don’t give up. You got this!

 

[katrina2017]

@happyhippopot Hi mama!

I left my kids dad (he was abusive to me) when my kids were 1.5 and 2.5. I was (and am!) in school full time and I work full time as well. It's super hard during the semesters, but I have unshakable faith in my strength now two years later.

I believe in you! You should too. Don't be afraid to create a positive support system and use it, therapy is great too. I had one friend when I left, and I can't believe how much better things have gotten since then in terms of social and family support.

Feel free to pm if you ever need an ear. Its tough, and I would be happy to hold space for you if you need it.

 

[ryno13]

@happyhippopot Keep going momma! It’s tough I had 2 kids at 23 and left an abusive relationship, best decision I’ve ever made. I struggle financially for a bit, but I was soooo happy because I was on my own. Advice to you, look up free resources to help you with your kids. Love them, love them so hard because they’ll grow so fast. I’m 35 years old now and my kids are 19 and 12. I make enough money to take care of myself and my kids...I never thought I would be this strong but I am glad I went through my struggles. There is so much honor in struggle and you my friend are showing your kids how to be brave! I miss my $1 taco days, dancing around the living room with my kids, baking chocolate chip cookies. I kept my kids on a schedule, it helped me budget too! Good luck momma, you got this!

 

[swhite]

@happyhippopot One day at a time, sis.

 

[calebbenedict]

@happyhippopot I have no advice because we're almost living the same life, and I have nothing figured out. I'm a 23F SAHM with a 6-month-old and a 2-year-old who says only a few words which worries me. I left my husband a year ago when I was three months pregnant because he was physically abusive. I'm finally going back to school after two years, and your post really helped me to feel I can do this. So thank you

 

[nana1009]

@happyhippopot I was in the same situation as you, at the time I had a 3 year old and a 6 month old (now 5 and 3). Left an abusive marriage.

It was hard in terms of I didn't have anyone around who could watch the kids for 5 minutes while I had a shower, or for me to go to the shops to pick up some bread. I have my parents who live half an hour away, who help out. They take my kids every second weekend while I work, and I use that weekend as my break, so I can recharge.

The biggest thing for me, when leaving the relationship, was I was so much less stressed. Not having to deal with my husband and the stress that he brought, it was like a weight off my shoulders. Yes, its hard being a single mum. Yes, I miss having someone in my life. But so many people have said, I have my smile back, I have light back in my eyes. I'm happier.

Give yourself some time to grieve for the relationship, and for the situation you are in. Try to reach out to family and friends for help, if you can. For the first year, I was a bit of a mess. I used unhealthy coping mechanisms (I started drinking a few drinks every night, whereas I barely drank at all before, then I stopped drinking and started emotionally eating, which I'm still struggling with). So let yourself be sad, be angry, cry, yell, whatever helps you. Try not to follow my example of unhealthy coping habits. Get therapy if you can afford it and feel like you need it.

You WILL be a strong, bad ass bitch and amazing mother without that dropkick being in your life. It WILL be difficult. But your life is NOT over, it's just beginning, and even though you have young kids, it doesn't mean your life is over. You can still do a lot of things, especially once they reach school age. You are still young, you have so much time to do all the things you want in life. Hell, I'm in my 30s and can't wait for quarantine to be over and for my youngest to go to school so I can do my own thing.

Good luck to you! You can do it!

 

[mapaps]

@happyhippopot Just like you said — this feeling isn’t forever. You are definitely not alone. I’m a single mom of 2 also and there are days I have no energy and just want to give up. Life is hard and it got harder being single with 2 kids BUT they also need a happy momma. You are so strong and resilient, especially because you already recognize the struggle but you have faith that you’ll get through it. If you ever need anyone to just listen, someone who knows how it is, please feel free to reach out to me. We moms need each other!

 

[happyhippopot]

@mapaps Thank you so much for saying this.

Sometimes, we just need to hear something positive and know that there are others who get it. We are more resilient than we think! Thank you for your kind words and encouragement and thank you for offering to be a listening ear! I will keep that in mind. Us mamas definitely need each other.

 

[mapaps]

@happyhippopot Absolutely! I also forgot to mention, you said 3 year old is on the spectrum — I’m a behavioral therapist for kids on the spectrum. I’m happy to help in any way with that as well! Best of luck mama!

 

[albein]

@mapaps Way to go!!!! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Way to go ladies. You hit it out of the park. You girls have beautiful babies/children? You should be so proud and I’m sure you are. You obviously love them and they love you. Life can take a sudden turn for the horrible so let’s all count our blessings. Keep negative people far away. Stay positive just like you said. 99% of the time after a scare I usually chuckle and smile and feel good. We will learn lessons when and how we are supposed to.. I wish I can help but you girls will be fine. I hope you connected. I’m really surprised I wrote because I’m usually don’t. I bullshit and gave up long ago. You have my prayers. It’s all good and will be fine. I wish I cojuld help. Take care

 

[katrina2017]

@happyhippopot I’m in a similar situation. 24 w/ 4yo and possibly autistic 3yo. I’ve been doing the single parent thing for three years and the only advice I can give you is what I did. I didn’t have a job and still don’t have a stable one, but I found someone to live with (for me my ex’s parents). They help with babysitting while I go to college to get a degree and hopefully a good job to support us. It’s taking longer than I’d hoped, but I’ve made progress. There are also government programs you can use if you need to. If you’re in the US, WIC, EBT, welfare, housing assistance, childcare vouchers, and a few others that I don’t know the name of all exist for people that need help financially and are great for people in your situation. As you get back on your feet you report your income and the programs adjust. If you need help, take it. Once you don’t need to worry about finances as much you can focus more on your children and finishing school. Try to enjoy them while they’re little.

 

[swhite]

@katrina2017 I was going to say exact same thing. Use the support that's in place to help people. I had a 3 year old autistic son and couldn't work much bc he was in therapy throughout the week and I had no support. I lived in subsidized housing, on food assistance, received SSI..anything I could get. I eventually got a respite worker for my son who would come watch him while I went to college twice a week. It was never easy. But everyone has their own struggles...I was always grateful to have food, housing, and our health. Ten years later, I'm truly a single parent (his Dad died last year), bought my first house, am a teacher, and have an amazing kiddo. I struggle with how long its taken, but I was there for my kid when he needed me. I agree 100% enjoy them when they're small- I somehow gave a teenager and its surreal.

 

[ilovejesus33]

@katrina2017 You live with your ex's parents? That's nice of them even though it's unheard of especially for muslims parents