Husband wants to stop cosleeping and let baby CIO

[ufekevom]

Our baby has had a tough time sleeping since she exited the womb nine months ago (8mo corrected age). I finally got her into a good nap schedule last month. On a good day, her schedule is approximately 2.75/3/3.5 with two naps ranging from 1 hr to 1.5 hr (between 2-3 hrs of daytime rest). Her bedtime is at 7:30pm, but she often won’t fall asleep until 8pm. I cosleep with her during the night. She currently feeds to sleep during naps and bedtime.

Lately she’s been struggling with naps and wakes after only 30 minutes. I think it’s because she’s teething. But my husband thinks it’s because I feed her to sleep. Therefore, he thinks it’s time to quit feeding to sleep and start sleep training so we can stop cosleeping. He wants to just let her CIO before naps and before bed and during the night. He says she’s old enough to be independent and thinks I’m hindering her by nursing her.

I’m at a loss. On one hand, it’d be lovely if she were not reliant on me all the time for sleeping. On the other, she’s a baby…she’s so young still. And if she wants to nurse to sleep, I don’t see the harm in doing so.

We have been disagreeing about it for a while. Any advice?? It’s hurting my heart. Thank you.

Edit to add: Wow thank you so much for all the advice and comments! I appreciate it. I just wanted to say that my husband is amazing and a lovely person and father. He’s also a FTP so I am trying to give him grace when we disagree! I don’t blame him as much as I blame the advice on the parenting websites (like what to expect, for example). I think he goes on there, reads about sleep training, and says “A baby that is independent? Sounds good!”. Today he asked me what method I’m using and I said the “boobie milkie method” and we had a good laugh. We’re working it out together, but you gave me great advice and things to say to him. Thank you again!

 

[tonyrichy86]

@ufekevom sleep train your husband, you are hindering him by allowing him to cosleep with you guys and he needs to be more independent.

no more boobs for him either.

 

[samtheman]

@tonyrichy86 Love this for him! Gaining some independence!

 

[pshreve]

@ufekevom So your 9 month old is old enough to be independent, so that he, a grown ass man, can sleep with his partner? Mmmk. Please continue to listen to your instincts.

 

[tribmartyr]

@ufekevom That 100% sounds like teething. Feeding to sleep does not cause your baby to wake, it's the most physiologically normal thing. You are not hindering her. Allowing dependence when they need it allows them to have more independence later.

Agreed with other poster, try to educate him about normal sleep.

 

[camnmaksmom]

@ufekevom All CIO achieves is it teaches your baby that you will ignore her signals for you. It doesn't teach baby to be independent, it just teaches baby to stop calling for you.

At your girls age there are constant sleep regressions and as you said teeth. Add in illness when she goes to daycare and you have lots of sleep disruptions.

My boy coslept with us and I fed him to sleep. He happily moved into his own big boy (floor) bed at 18 months and we all love it.

Maybe look at changing the sleep arrangements. Is there another bed your husband could sleep in so his sleep isn't disturbed when bub wakes?

 

[faithvision]

@camnmaksmom This needs to be top comment!

 

[kyleeak]

@ufekevom I want a million dollars and a private chef. And yet….

I would only do cry it out if I needed it for safety like if my mental health was being severely impacted or I couldn’t drive safely because of sleep issues. Otherwise it’s a no from me. It causes so much stress to the baby (and it’s not fun for parents either). Some babies will cry til they vomit for weeks.

There is absolutely no harm in nursing your baby to sleep if that is agreeable to you. It’s your boobs.

Why does your husband want this? Is he jealous of the baby and missing you?

 

[joysky93]

@ufekevom I recommend looking at the BASIS (baby sleep information service) website and directing your husband to it too for what is actually physiologically normal for infant sleep and the potential impacts of CIO.
You've got to make the decision that is best for you and your family but forced independence is not the best decision for a baby that's only been out of womb as long as they were in it.

 

[wren84]

@ufekevom This is always interesting to me when a grown man with a fully developed frontal lobe wants his literal infant to be independently sleeping so he can sleep next to his wife. The dissonance is astounding.

I’d just flat out say no. You can roll away from baby after she’s asleep for quality time together.

 

[amanhasnoname]

@ufekevom Child psychologist here, 8-9 mo is also very often when the phase of separation anxiety occurs, which could contribute to her waking up at night. So, I would highly recommend NOT using the CIO method (not at that time, nor at anytime for that matter; as many others said, it only teaches the child not to call for his caregiver because said caregiver doesn't respond).

Your child is way too young to be independent. Could you maybe go and talk about it with a specialist with your husband? That way un unbiased third party could explain to your husband where your daughter is at in her development. Also, if you do that, choose that person with care...

Good luck go you and don't doubt yourself, you know what's best for your baby!

 

[abdelas]

@ufekevom Maybe not the most gentle approach, but next time he needs something, ignore him. If he asks you for help, ignore him. Let him see what crying it out feels like.

Your baby is young. They ARE reliant on you because they are a baby. There is nothing wrong with nursing to sleep. There is nothing wrong with a baby needing their caregiver to sleep.
If you want to keep cosleeping and nursing to sleep, and you find that it is the best interest of you and your little one, keep on doing it. Your husband is a grown man who can figure out how to regulate* his emotions.

 

[camnmaksmom]

@abdelas I think that sounds like a wonderfully gentle approach for the baby

 

[joben]

@ufekevom Baby sleep constantly changes so if she has been on a schedule for a month it might be time for a shift into shorter wake windows or less sleep overall.

Your baby is absolutely not old enough to be independent btw.

 

[stu80]

@ufekevom We recently went to my sons 4 month checkup and the pediatrician (who doesn’t mind we cosleep) said that babies at this age start being manipulative and we should try CIO/sleep training with our son, who still wakes every 2-3 hours. Annnnd of course my husband is all for it and I’m not interested

 

[joysky93]

@stu80 Sounds like you need a new paed!

 

[stu80]

@joysky93 It sucks because we really like her. She doesn’t push certain things on us and she is really nice. She has kids so she understands cosleeping and is supportive of it. So to hear that yesterday was kinda a bummer.

 

[joysky93]

@stu80 That's really frustrating, I guess if you feel you can be honest with her what works for your family around sleep then you don't have to take her advice, and you can always change if she becomes more pushy with it.

 

[andrew090565]

@stu80 Babies being manipulative… yeah that’s not a thing nor is it supported by any kind of evidence.

 

[stu80]

@andrew090565 When I asked how that is so she said “because they start to realize that when they cry, mom or dad comes to pick them up” lol