How to cope with feelings associated with less time with children?

[bail201]

Two months ago I decided to leave my partner of 9 years. We have two kids together (5 and 2.5), and fortunately they seem to be handling it well all things considered (e.g., good reports from daycare/kindergarten, no major regressions, generally the same demeanour as before). My partner did not want to split but I had fallen out of love and could not keep going in the marriage. We have a 50/50 parenting arrangement that is generally amicable. However, there is zero chance of us getting back together.

It's hard for me not to constantly think about all the things I'll miss out on with my kids as they grow up. It's also challenging adjusting to an empty, silent house half the time. Any advice out there for how to deal with a sense of loss as a parent? Spending time with my kids fills me with joy, and I recognize it was my decision to leave so this sense of loss is on me.

 

[hephzibah7]

@bail201 I view it as…. If I had stayed so I could be with my child all of the time, my child would be raised seeing a version of their mother I did not want to project. So seeing my child half of the time I am able to be the version of myself I do want to project. And that is a much healthier mindset for both myself and my child. Find activities to do when you are without them. You spent most of your life not being a mom, tap back into that.

 

[vanlash]

@hephzibah7 This is what I did and everyone tells me I did the right thing except the mother. 2 kids and it was toxic between us and I wasn’t happy so I moved out. Now I take 1 son to school every day and pick him up. I also take him on weekends. The other child is young so I spend time with him after I drop off my other son and before I leave for work then when I pick my son up from school I’ll spend time with them both before heading home. They get the best version of me everyday. Not the mopey and distant version of me.

 

[katrina2017]

@hephzibah7 I struggled with the pain of thinking about not being there 50% of their life, but I concur this sentiment of focusing on being a better you during the time you don’t have the kids. I have started to take the opportunity to learn skills and activities that my kids and I can all enjoy together during this time.

That alone makes me feel connected to them even though they aren’t present. Skiing, surfing, sailing and traveling are all examples of this… and they have enjoyed me showing them each one of those activities every single time. It can only enrich your kids lives if you have a healthy mindset about it.

 

[hephzibah7]

@katrina2017 That is perfect! It’s important to have healthy coping skills and to try and reinvent your life again in a healthy way.

 

[questionasker]

@bail201 Give yourself permission to be selfish with the alone time you now have. Rediscover yourself! Pick up old hobbies. Remember that there is nothing to feel guilty about, because they are with their father and he is enjoying his time with them.

I know this post is not about guilt but for me, focusing on those things helped me to start enjoying my alone time. It also improved the quality of the time I did spend with them. I was less distracted and sad than when I was in a marriage I was unhappy with. Hope this helps!