How often do you get pushed over the edge and what do you do to stay calm?

[ajewelinhiscrown]

Fellow SAHPs, I need your advice.

Context: We’re the only ones on the playground. I forgot we had stupid water balloons in the stroller, but my kids didn’t. So I indulge them by doing water balloons. We’re five minutes from home so it’s fine, but later on my 1.5 y/o has taken off her shoes and socks and is barefoot and has removed her diaper but has her pants on. My 4.5 y/o and 1.5 y/o are squabbling over who gets the next water balloon, and the next one, and so on.

Then they want more. My 4.5 y/o wants like 10+ more balloons done. I’m scared at this point about them getting cold and sick and I want to take them home and end this accidental and ridiculous unplanned activity. We have to go pick up my 6 y/o at school so I have a deadline, not just infinite playground time.

So I lost and yelled at my 4.5 y/o after like 5-10 calm repeated attempts at ending the activity, letting them know in advance, etc. I just get my buttons pushed until I lose it. My 4.5 y/o wants seven pink water balloons. She wants balloons all rainbow colors. We did all that. We did it while pleasing my 1.5 y/o with water balloons for her. But it never ends and I lose it and then I’m instantly guilt-ridden and remorseful and now that we’re actually on our way home I’m apologizing to my kids for yelling. I hate this process so much.

How do you stay calm?

 

[saltlamp]

@ajewelinhiscrown I've found the book "How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" really helpful in those situations. It offers lots of different strategies and techniques for connecting and communicating with young kids (mine are 3 and 5 months).

With that said, just because I have the tools in my toolbox doesn't mean I always pull them out and use them. I still find myself getting pushed over the edge and then realizing after the fact that I should have said "XYZ" to deescalate the situation. Or sometimes I should have said "this is the boundary" and stuck to it instead of letting things spiral until I fall apart.

Sometimes the level of noise can put me more on edge. I bought noise dampening ear plugs and that helps. It doesn't completely block the noises, just lessens them. So I can still hear my kids but at a lesser volume.

I completely relate to the stress that comes with being somewhere on time. I don't have an answer for that one, but know you aren't alone in the struggle.

 

[fatefulslave]

@ajewelinhiscrown Times like that when I know I'm on a deadline I'd set a timer on my phone. Before giving them more balloons I would tell them I set a timer for 5 min and I'd tell them my expectations when the timer goes off. Then once the timer goes off I'd announce we're all done, then give them a choice "1.5yo, do you want to get in the stroller all by yourself or should I put you in the stroller? 4.5yo, do you want to carry XYZ or ABC back to the house" and if the 1.5yo doesn't get in the stroller I'd say "if you don't get in the stroller I will put you in it now". And follow through. Also mentioning you have snacks could help. And if you feel frustrated you could even say "wow, I'm feeling really frustrated rn" and then model some behaviors to handle that "I'm going to take a big breath in and a big breath out". Then after you do that treat yourself to some fancy chocolate bc you deserve it (at least that's how I reward myself lol)

 

[qbanmom7070]

@ajewelinhiscrown I mean, it happens to the best of us, don't beat yourself up. When I lose it I always make sure to repair with my kids. I tell them I'm sorry and explain why I did what I did and also why I should not have done that, and then I tell them I love them and ask them if everything's all right now so they feel like they can add their opinion and not feel like I'm just talking at them.

Ideally we don't want to yell or lose it but when we do it's good to show our kids how to apologize and make amends. My parents rarely said sorry to me when they messed up and the only way they really dealt with my difficult behavior was by ignoring me-and that really fucked me up. So I guess that's why I do this.

 

[jesrdking]

@ajewelinhiscrown Have you heard of Dr Becky? She has a podcast and a book called Good Inside and she’s also on Instagram. She helps me a lot

 

[dovelove514]

@ajewelinhiscrown Just here to say, time crunches are my crux too!

 

[ajewelinhiscrown]

@dovelove514 Thank you. It’s the ultimate stressor. Ugh.

 

[taznq15]

@ajewelinhiscrown I think about how I’ve been attempting to teach them emotional regulation and it inspires me to work on regulating my emotions or working with a therapist to see why it’s hard at times. As far as boundaries, those don’t budge, but you can maintain them without getting emotional. Sometimes toddlers get carried with legs pointed out. Sometimes you just say, “I am not going back for those water balloons. I’m sorry, but you will have to figure out another game.” Sometimes they scream, cry, etc. Even if I want to scream and cry, I never show it. This isn’t because I’m some zen master, it’s because I know that if I show them they affect me, they will only behave worse and things go wwwaaayyy downhill. I’m calm, collected, and will not let a stinkin toddler tell me what to do.

 

[camillanorigera]

@ajewelinhiscrown I had to learn the hard way that my boundaries need to be strong but foreseeable.

I would have cut off the water balloons right at the start - "Yes, I can see the water balloons in the pram, but because we have to pick up 6yo in X minutes, we can't play with them right now. We can wait until we get home."

I used to be quite permissive with my parenting until I realised that the guilt I felt after being pushed so hard was actually me thinking "can't you see what I did for you?" And if course they can't see it - they can't see the sacrifice, the unwillingness, the guilt. All they see is the anger when I get pushed.

Now when I set a boundary, I remain strong in it, but I'm willing to talk it out to reach a compromise - I would have been willing with JUST ONE, but I'm not giving them another one after they pop. If the kids don't accept the compromise, that's though luck, but any consequences I set is connected to HOW they behave, not WHY they are behaving - ie, I would bin the water balloons if they "stole" them from the pram, but we would be leaving the park if they tantrummed instead of talking calmly.