How do I teach my 7-yr old kid about the "N-word?"

[chris73]

My (white) son was playing with his (black) friend who is a a couple years older, and talking about cuss words they can't say in school like f-word, s-word, b-word, ect. and the older kid mentioned the N-word. My son asks "what's that?" and his older friend started to say it. I pretty much shut the conversation down at that point but I think I need to explain asap what it is, what it means, and why he should never say it. The hardest part is explaining why he's going to hear the black kids using it but he's still not allowed to.

Interested in hearing other opinions on this even though I already have some of my own.

 

[flmom]

@chris73 Interesting story. When my kids were 7 & 6, they (both girls) were playing in the neighborhood park across the street (confined neighborhood) and I can see the park from my window. They came home and asked me what a “n” word was. I explained it just as others have said, that is a bad word used to make African Americans feel bad and that they should never ever say it to anyone. They stood there looking more confused and I asked what was the matter. My oldest pointed out the window to little African American boy and said that “that kid called us that word”. I told them that “yea, it doesn’t make any sense does it? That’s what happens when adults go around using a word and not helping kids to understand it and it gets used wrong. zit makes them look pretty dumb, huh?” They laughed and went and played in the back yard. I never had to have that conversation with the. again, and at 15 & 16 they haven’t had any issues.

 

[katrina2017]

@chris73 It's not terribly difficult. It's a slur and slurs are used to hurt people. It's a mean word (he's 7...consider the audience).

And don't shut down conversations - it's how they're going to learn. You can either participate or they can have it when you're not around. My son heard it the first time at 10 playing hockey. It was coming from the only black player on the ice calling everyone else it. He asked what it means and we had an age appropriate conversation about it.

 

[chriscooke95]

@katrina2017 I think the confusion is when a kid hears it for the first time from a person of color but is then told not to say to people of color.

 

[katrina2017]

@chriscooke95 I tell my son that if he and his friends call each other names does it feel different than if someone you don't know calls you that name. We've kept our rules for our boy as simple as possible...

1. Treat everyone with courtesy and respect
2. Apologize if you hurt someone, even if it was not intentional

He has a tendency to get defensive when confronted (I mean, who doesn't), so that second rule has taken some work, but we routinely hear from neighbors that he's respectful and polite. He's willing to help his elderly neighbors when they ask for it. We've never had disciplinary issues from school. I think simple rules work best for kids.

 

[finian]

@chriscooke95 That one's not tough. The person of color should not be saying it to him either.

 

[chriscooke95]

@finian But that’s not the reality of the situation..

 

[finian]

@chriscooke95 It's the same reasoning that goes for all the other bad words

 

[chris73]

@katrina2017 I didn't entirely shut it down; I told my son it was a mean word some people say to be mean to black people and told his friend not to say it in front of my kids either. Neither of them made a big deal or discussed it more after that but my 5 year old overheard some of the convo and now he's asking me to tell him about this mysterious "n-word" too.

What was your idea for an age appropriate response?

 

[onewithfaith]

@chris73 Are you white as well? I only ask for context. I may be misreading this, but it sounds like you told a black boy that he is not allowed to use a word that is significant in his culture around your son because it makes you feel uncomfortable. I get that you don't want your kid to repeat what his friend is saying, but I don't feel good about policing a black person's use of that word.

 

[chris73]

@onewithfaith Yes I’m white. The other boy was trying to teach it to my kid on my porch and I told him not to. I’m not telling him what he should or shouldn’t say at home or to his other friends

 

[katrina2017]

@chris73 I think you got it. If they get that certain words are mean then a child that age can relate to what that means. Historical and social context comes later.

One rule I've had for my son is that he can call me whatever he wants as long as it's respectful. That then applies to everyone else he talks to. It's up to him and that person to determine what "respectful" means to each other. So if he and I playfully call each other shitheads (now that he's older) that doesn't automatically mean he can call everyone that. I've found it helps him exercise discretion in a variety of settings.

 

[wemchud]

@chris73 My view & future plan is: there are Bad Words. They hurt people, and that's it. Not bad words like in school or around grandma or whatever, like shit piss motherfucker etc etc, that's just swearing. They're not bad, some people just don't like them, or they're not appropriate in certain places.

Slurs are Bad. They hurt people. We do not say slurs. SOME people, who the slur is meant to harm, use those slurs for themselves to take the pain away. If we are not one of those people, we do not say them. Ever.

 

[mccra76]

@chris73 He's going to hear a lot of foul language. Tell him not to use any of them and watch your mouth, too.

Worst place for kids to pick up bad language habits is parents.

 

[richardj]

@chris73

The hardest part is explaining why he's going to hear the black kids using it but he's still not allowed to.

I don't think this needs to be that hard. You don't need to give him a deep understanding of why it's ok - the main thing he needs to understand is that if a word is insulting to a group of people, only the people in that group can say it.

 

[perfect786]

@richardj Yes, and depending on how able the kid is to understand this nuance, maybe you could add "only the people in that group get to decide how and when it is used"

 

[jesusloverr]

@chris73 I would say this - they cannot know what the word they should never use is, if they don't know the word. Trying to scrub the word in its entirety won't work, because it just makes is a tempeting ''forbidden' thing.

Rather - it is okay to explain what the word is, how it is used as a tool of hate by many many people, and also note that it is often used in black art and culture, but that doesn't mean anyone has to use it, and it is best if white people don't use it at all outside of an academic / good faith discussion context - and even then, could just be replaced with 'N-word'.

 

[disciplehusbanddad]

@chris73 The way it was explained to me, and is the only justifiable reason to kids, is when African americans say it, it’s a way of saying, “i see you,” like I see what you and your family have gone through. When white people say it, it has a meaning bad meaning behind it, even if the kids don’t mean it in a bad way, when someone hears it, they don’t pause to think if they meant it in a bad way or not, they’ll just get upset. The same context was applied to someone you just met who calls you stupid are you gonna think their serious or joking? Same kind of thing right, but to much greater extent.

 

[jsanford108]

@chris73 You can’t undo it now, and I’m not saying my reaction would have been any different, but I must point out that you stopped the black person from giving his opinion about a word that primarily affects black people so that you (white?) can explain it. As someone your son is already friendly with, his friend might be one of the best people to give his opinion about it, perhaps after you give a little context to start.

 

[dubs]

@jsanford108 Didn’t sound like a conversation. Sounded like two kids naming bad words they know.

The last thing you want is your child picking it up without having an understanding of why it’s such a taboo word for a white kid to say. That could lead to some not fun situations for the parent.

Sometimes kids need more context that can be provided from an adult rather than another 7 year old.