Help! Teenage son has gf

[prophecy7777]

Edit to title: Teenage son has a Snapchat gf

Okay… so I am 31 (f) who adopted 4 teenagers 3 years ago. Still struggling on being a mom. And struggling with the disrespect the comes with teenagers. They were siblings and never spent time in the system, just spent time with drug addicted parents. My husband said he was on board, but is not an active parent to them so I handle everything myself. That is a story for a different day, but he doesn’t have the hard conversations with the kids.

So my 14 year old has been spending this 5 day vacation with his nose glued to his phone. I should have known it was girl related… I even asked 2 days ago if he had a gf or partner and he said no. Keep in mind, he lies. I really want to trust him, but he lies when he is avoiding getting in trouble. Like asking if he ate in his room and he lies or asking if he played video games and he lies. He’s also the bully of the siblings.

I gave the oldest two phones a couple months ago, but struggle to supervise because it’s an internal battle between me not wanting them to hate me and me thinking they should be able to have privacy. Please don’t come at me about how bad of a mom that makes me. I know I should not be worried about them disliking me because I am their mom, but it’s so hard.

Anyway, he gets in trouble and I take his phone. Someone is messaging him on Snapchat named ‘Wifey ’. I ask him about it and he starts crying. He said he knows her and then I find out they met over Snapchat and she lives in a different state. He assured me no photos of any kind or private info have been exchanged, but he knows she’s real because they have talked on the phone several times. I let him have his phone for a minute to tell her he got in trouble and I am taking his phone and he said we can set up a phone call between myself and her next week.

I am drowning here. I know I should have supervised, I know I should have pried earlier, I know I shouldn’t have let him have a Snapchat, I know I should have done a million things differently… But what should I do now? I really need advice. TIA

Edit: My problem is that he met this girl on Snapchat, but he has never met her in person. I don’t think her parent know either. I went through his phone after posting this and it looks like they FaceTime everyday. But I can’t read any of their chats because Snapchat deletes everything. He also doesn’t want anyone to know and it feels dirty keeping it a secret.

 

[2preciousgirls]

@prophecy7777 Omg I'm a young mom too! I have 6 kids (3 bio and 3 adopted), 3 girls and 3 boys, aged 24, 23, 22, 21, 19 and 15.

Wow, how times have changed even in the 10 years when we got custody of the then 14 year old!

Because we have teens, we've always been up (like...knowing it exists. Not experts!) on the latest tech. When the kids gamed online or used social media (and this started way back with Kik!) we had rules:

Don't share your address, phone number or any other private info.
Don't share naked photos.
Don't ask for naked photos (child porn/pedophilia has been explained as well).
Don't say anything to anyone online that you wouldn't say to their face (lol I'm sure this one goes out the window during Fortnight).
Don't send anyone money.
We would like to know of your accounts in case anything ever happens and we need to track you down (we're a Dateline family)
If we pay your phone bill we want your phone password , please :')

My 15 year old has had the same 3 friends for 4 years on Xbox. They've all basically grown up together. They live in different parts of the country but they game and they chat.

My 22 year old son has Asperger's and is more comfortable dating/socializing online.

Also- it's hard,like really awkward and weird BUT I promise you now, Momma, you will be so happy if you open a line of communication NOW about sex and relationships and the human body and emotions. When my daughter went away for college I wasn't afraid of her lying to me, because she knows that I feel that sex is natural and that as long as you are using proper safety measures and everything is consensual, do your thang! Because of this,I feel like I can really talk to my kids openly and l think they can too.

Now that 3 are out of the house, I find that we still talk and communicate A LOT! I think just being comfortable with you makes a big difference.

Let me know if you ever want to chat!

You're doing a great job, Momma!!

 

[kirstenlovesjesus]

@2preciousgirls This is fabulous advice! And any parent worth their salt would NOT judge you OP. You care and that’s more than some kids get. Just keep doing your best and know that you will make mistakes but it’s ok as long as you learn from it.

 

[btyler101]

@prophecy7777 Everything that anyone does online, including Snapchat, is retrievable and should be considered public. I have 4 kids and the oldest is only 12, but I have explained that if they don’t want me seeing something they do online they shouldn’t do it - there is no expectation of privacy there. So explain that to your kids and monitor away! If they truly want privacy they need to pick up the phone or have an in person conversation.

 

[librarian]

@prophecy7777 You will never put tech your teen. You delete and app? They’ll find a new one. You monitor what sites they visit? They’ll download tor. You take the whole phone? They’ll use a school computer. Your best bet is to build trust with them by encouraging them to be honest without punishing them for something that’s honestly fairly innocuous. It’s healthy and good for teens to have romantic relationships. If you are are worried about cat fishing then facilitate video dates for them by letting them use your laptop in a public room.

I think the worrisome thing about him keeping it a secret is what it says about your relationship, not the relationship itself.

 

[worldprayerchain]

@prophecy7777 Ofc he lies when he’s going to get in trouble. Would you want to get into trouble? Why would he admit to something knowing that he will be punished. Sounds like he doesn’t trust you tbh

As for the gf, teaching internet safety is the biggest importance and explaining that he can explore the relationship but to trust her as he would someone that he knows in real life.

 

[jullietwillor]

@prophecy7777 Honestly I think the best you can do at this point is make sure he knows internet safety, which he probably does already. I hated my mom trying to snoop through my shit on my phone as a teenager, but I knew i wasn’t doing anything wrong. I just wanted my privacy. Let him know that you’re there if anything bad happens, but otherwise just leave him alone.

If you wanted to like limit screen time or something too you could do that, but idk if it would really help the situation. not sure what kind of phones they have but i know on apple devices you can limit screen time and set a password so only you can allow extra time, and you can allow certain apps through the “screen time barrier” if that makes sense. on ios you can go to screen time settings > downtime. and you can like set specific apps that aren’t affected by it and whatever.

edit: also are they facetiming though the phone/facetime app or snapchat? and snapchat has a lot of sex bots on there, but they’re pretty obviously bots and i don’t think you can facetime them either so i don’t think it’s one of them but you never know i guess

 

[hiding110268]

@prophecy7777 This sounds like someone tricking your vulnerable teenage son into eventually sending pictures of himself to her. This is what predators do. If they don’t know them in real life, they can literally pretend to be anybody online, including during FaceTime.

 

[jullietwillor]

@hiding110268 it sounds sketchy but it could just be legit

 

[justg]

@prophecy7777 Be supportive. Show him love. Don’t invade his privacy. Let him come to you.

 

[renee77]

@prophecy7777 Family counseling/therapy sounds like a good idea for all of you as well as individual counseling/therapy for each of you.

I personally don't know as I don't have teenagers yet but there seems to be a lot of stress and mistrust in this situation.

 

[delivered2019]

@prophecy7777 I'm not sure I understand the problem. Your teenage son has a girlfriend. Which is a problem because...you don't want him to have relationships? Is there an age you'd be okay with him having a girlfriend?

Teenagers are going to have relationships whether they tell you about it or not. Be there for him and teach him how to have a healthy relationship, don't make him worry that he has to hide it from you completely. Be there WITH him for the relationships and teach him what's acceptable, like forming bonds with people--and what's not okay, like nudes.

One thing having adult kids has taught me is, let your kids make small mistakes so they don't make big ones. And be prepared for both.

 

[prophecy7777]

@delivered2019 It’s that he met her on Snapchat. I didn’t even know you could do that… And from what I can see, she doesn’t want her parents to know. They want to keep it a secret and that feels wrong to me. He is only 14. I’m okay with him having a girlfriend. He’s had one before and I was very supportive, it’s just he doesn’t know this girl. Generally, Snapchat isn’t a place Is think you could meet people.

 

[kingdomkings]

@delivered2019 Yes. Guide him, don’t react in such a way that he’ll know to hide stuff better next time.