Help me think through this "silly" worry? [vacations + OAD not by choice]

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kosherinchrist

New member
I am 90% OAD due to health complications* and I sometimes do wish for another child. One thing that I find oddly triggering is the thought of going on vacations with my one and only angel girl and my husband. and I KNOW that sounds super silly even as I type that. But, I love vacations, I practically work for them! LOL, not really, I love my job, but I cherish my time off and am lucky/privileged to take vacations. Part of me worries that my daughter will "miss out" on having a "young comrade" with her on vacations, to have those family bonding moments, memories, etc. I'm not sure if that makes sense. We are also very lucky to almost always go away with cousins or other family members, and I know she could always take a friend right? I guess I fully acknowledge this feels like an inconsequential wish, but it's one I am grappling with and working through nonetheless. I love her so much, I want her to have an amazing life and family.

[content warning below: death of adult sibling]

I guess, as I write, I am having an aha moment. Growing up the youngest of 3, one of my brothers passed away in 2018 after losing his battle w/type 1 bipolar and the other I am also estranged from due to his mental health/my safety. BUT, the family vacation to the beach every summer were some of my happiest childhood memories. Maybe that's what this is all about.

Kudos if you read this whole thing and thanks for listening and letting me process here.

[2nd content warning; discussion of fertility and health issues pp]

*I had placenta accreta, stage 0 cancer 3 months pp and had to have my cervix removed. I had surgery to place a small band (TAC) inserted to support future pregnancies but they would be immediately high risk and probably require intense monitoring at the least. I did have one failed FET for IVF as well so we have tried. I am 37 so while not young, if we were to try again it would best be asap.
 
@kosherinchrist I would say the perks of being OAD is she always has the opportunity to bring a friend if she wants. It’s my opinion that she would MUCH rather get to go on awesome trips/cruises with opportunities to visit other countries and go on excursions than have siblings where you would most likely be limited to an in state trip because traveling adds up quickly especially when it comes to plane tickets, cruise lines and eating out. I am one of 3 kids in my family and we never had money to travel or do things we wanted to do. We never even went to amusement parks. Any time we traveled we had to drive and packed sandwiches so we didn’t have to eat out

Edit: growing up that way made me resent my parents because we were always the “poor” family and our friends/neighbors always got to do more than us. Personally my husband and I are excited to travel with our 1 and let her bring who she wants on occasion
 
@mrwallyboy78 Growing up the oldest of three, I experienced that “odd one out” quite a lot because my younger siblings are 7 years younger and are twins. I think my parents really noticed that I was never excited for vacations because I was basically on my own, so they started letting me bring a friend along and it made a world of a difference!
 
@ginene Usually it was something like an overnight trip to Disneyland, I’m from soCal so it was relatively close by. My parents knew my friends and their parents pretty well so they trusted my parents with their kid. Even the few instances where we went on longer vacations (3-5 nights), my friends would call their parents to keep them updated, as would my parents.
 
@kosherinchrist We also plan to ask a bff of our kiddo’s later on if it doesn’t work for all our parents to go. I took friends on vacation all the time growing up (my sister is much older so we weren’t close until adulthood)
 
@theretrogamerny Yes, love that plan too. It's funny bc even in my post I talked about happy mems w/my brothers, we also brought friends occasionally or neighbor families rented a cottage nearby. So it goes both ways, I should reflect more LOL. Anyways...great point..thank you!
 
@kosherinchrist I was an only child growing up and I have great vacation memories. Sometimes we would go with another family that had kids. Sometimes we went with my aunt/uncle/cousins. Sometimes we took a friend or two with us. Sometimes it was just us. My mom and I used to take trips together and I had a blast, but she was and still is my best friend. She was 35 when she had me, so it sounds similar to you and your daughter.

I’m on this board because we have one baby (7 months) and are sort of leaning towards one and done but I’m not 100% sure so usually just lurk here. I just wanted to say I have these made up visions of us with multiple kids in the future in these happy scenarios (mostly due to movies because I was an only and most people I know with lots of siblings lived in chaos haha), but I am also trying to marry that with the reality of I’m not sure if I can handle multiple babies and end up happy in those made up fantasies lol. I think it’s easy to see snapshots of others or what you pictured and get hung up, but it’s ok to have your vision change over time as life changes.

You said you have great beach vacation memories with your siblings so I’m sure you’re picturing that for your child, but she can have great memories with her cousins, friends, or the two of you, it will just look different than your memories. And that’s ok.
 
@kosherinchrist Rest assured, those warm, happy memories you have on vacations with your siblings - your only will have plenty of warm, happy memories, they'll just come in different packages - with cousins, friends, even alone, who knows! As parents, we put pressure on ourselves to curate the perfect life for our kids when it's actually not our job - it'll be your child's emotional resilience that curates positive memories as well as protect against sadness and disappointment. And as parents, it's our job to help develop this emotional resilience.
 
@cathy1964 thank you so much. I feel like this is an area I do need to practice what I preach (all family s are different and special/unique etc) but I do put that pressure on myself, and love your use of the word curate. Appreciate your words of wisdom for sure!
 
@kosherinchrist If it helps at all, I have siblings and our childhood vacations were filled with fighting and drama. I would MUCH rather have gone with a friend.

Their sibling is equally likely to be a source of competition, hurt, and drama on a family trip as they are to be a “young comrade”. I wish I had the happy summer beach memories you describe with my siblings!

All I’m saying is don’t assume you’re depriving your kid of something simply because you have good memories with your brothers. Not everyone will have that experience with siblings including your own child(ren).
 
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