Help me grieve/get over this

[danielson0101]

Yesterday my husband and I decided we would not be doing another round of ivf, meaning we would not be having another child. The decision was made with a lot of thought and logic - we are currently happy with the family we have, ivf may not be successful, and even if it was, I have difficult pregnancies and require a c section at the end, and I’m older (38). But last night I didn’t sleep a moment, today I am wracked with grief, I believe I will regret this decision in 5, 10 years, at which point I will be too old and will have wished I had tried everything in my power at this age. But my husband is done, he believes we made a decision yesterday and it’s time to move on. How to get over the grief of not having another one - and feeling I will regret the decision for the rest of my life?

 

[haasrecht]

@danielson0101 Sending love.

In these instances I play 'what if'. I don't just answer the question. I play out every scenario.

You are currently grieving the perfect scenario. Two gorgeous children playing together in matching outfits on the swing set. That perfect sunset photo. Big smiles. Hair ruffled. Pure love.

'What if' - you get pregnant tomorrow and it doesn't lead to a baby? You have a special needs baby? You have twins? You have a baby that is the mortal enemy of your real, existing child?

Play out all the scenarios. To completion. Imagine that was the last 5 or 10 years of your life.

This is the best way I know to avoid regret.

 

[thenazarene]

@haasrecht This is also how I cope as someone not OAD by choice. Once I was able to separate the picture-perfect fantasy I had in my head of life with two kids from all of the possible realities, it became much easier. That doesn't mean you can't still grieve, OP, or that you can't be sad about losing the possibility of that picture-perfect scenario, but recognizing all of the possibilities may help you move forward with some peace.

 

[regadoo]

@haasrecht Are you a therapist? This was an amazing response

 

[haasrecht]

@regadoo No! A way smarter friend told me a much more eloquent version once for decision making.

I've adapted it for regret too. Just don't have time or space in my life for it.

Glad you enjoyed it. It works wonders for my basic brain.

 

[bip]

@danielson0101 Just because you have made the decision doesn’t mean you can’t grieve it … there’s no perfect choices in life… sometimes we are choosing between two imperfect options. This may have been the right choice AND you may feel some regret … that’s ok.

 

[monk58]

@danielson0101 I did IVF for years to have my daughter. It was awful and I was a shelf of myself. I did not cope well mentally with pregnancy either. I am also 38 so I get the ticking clock.

I look at it as am I willing to give my daughter possibly years of a barely there mother for a hypothetical second child, or do I embrace what I have and give my actual living child a mom she deserves?

I'm not saying I don't second guess myself all the time. I just feel like I owe it to my daughter to give my all to the life I already created.

 

[deanate]

@danielson0101 I wish I had advice to offer, but I only have solidarity. Currently going through this myself and it’s so very hard.

 

[singer123]

@danielson0101 You mentioned your decision was made with a lot of thought and logic. My decision to be one and done was also made with a lot of thought and logic, though for different reasons than your family. I will say that even though my logic brain knew it was the right decision for us, my heart wanted another for a few years. Then when my son was maybe four or so, my heart was beginning to catch up to my brain, but I still felt a lot of heaviness thinking that I’d regret my decision. My son is now 6.5, and there are occasional days when I wish we had another, but for the most part my head and my heart align that this was the best decision for our family.

I think that for so long, ever since I was a child really, I just sort of assumed I’d have multiple kids. I didn’t really think much about it, it was just my assumption. It took my heart a few years to realize that my assumption that I’d held for literally decades was wrong.

When I spend time with friends who have multiple children, I see how tired they are. They are spread thin keeping two kids alive. One kid is crying on the swing because they want to be pushed, and the other is crying because they fell and scraped their knee. And mom is trying to manage it all. But guess what? It’s really fun to be the parent of an only child because I have the bandwidth to jump in and push their kiddo on the swing for awhile. At a birthday party, I can hold the baby for a few minutes so Mom can eat a piece of cake too. I get that extra connection with kids through my friends’ kids — and guess what, it’s all the fun parts. I’m like the fun aunt who doesn’t have to deal with the meltdowns.

Also, I don’t know if I just really lucked out or if it’s the result of him being an only child, but my son is so mature for his age. He’s such a great kid and I think part of his maturity comes from his parents not being spread thin caring for multiple kids. We will not miss his soccer games because of a sibling with a conflicting event. We are able to (metaphorically) push him on the swing every time because he doesn’t have a sibling who fell and scraped their knee. We have the bandwidth to explain things to him and help him understand his emotions.

This might not be the decision your heart wanted, but it will catch up to your logical brain. It might take several years, like it did for me, so keep processing your feelings. But I would like to share that for me having an only has been unexpectedly wonderful.

 

[hteezy]

@singer123 You articulated this beautifully. I sometimes struggle to put into words the gap that I have been feeling between my brain and my heart about OAD. Thank you.

 

[gore2828]

@danielson0101 Like with any grief, time is the answer. My husband and I reluctantly made the same decision 20+ years ago. The first year was the toughest, and while it was the best choice for us, certain situations still make me sad that we didn’t have the family we’d originally planned. I view it as a part of life where we don’t always get what we want, but it genuinely sucks. I’m sorry you’re in this spot and wish you the best as you heal.

 

[jacqueline92]

@danielson0101 Condolences. 38 is not that old! I wish I could hug you. Do you have a support system in real life that can hug you right now? May I ask how old is your only now?

 

[danielson0101]

@jacqueline92 She just turned 3 and is a great easy funny child, makes me imagine having another even more because she is so amazing

 

[remluf]

@danielson0101 We are in the same boat. Our girl
Is 9 and she openly states that she loves being an only. She gets all of our attention, no one breaks her toys and she’s got about 12 cousins to play with. I know it’s not ideal. I imagined having 3, but my little girl is the centre of my world.

 

[jacqueline92]

@danielson0101 Oh wow! She is not the typical “three-nager” then. It’s a very real thing to mourn the loss of a dream of how you thought this whole motherhood thing would turn out, and I think it’s pretty universal. But don’t make it an age thing! My mom had me at 44. Make the choice because it’s the best for you and your family, and maybe use this added time in your life to pursue a hobby or work that is meaningful to you as a part of your grief? Great job knocking it out of the park on your first try!

 

[riversong]

@danielson0101 We are one and done due to infertility. I have wondered whether we should have gone through with a donor egg which my husband supported but I ultimately decided against because I’d had years of infertility testing/treatments, miscarriages, and pregnancy and was finally just ready to be done putting myself through it.

A part of my feels twinges of sadness sometimes that we didn’t try, but I don’t feel regret. We did all we could to bring our guy into the world and now we’re just going to enjoy the heck out of him. That’s enough.

 

[lushee_00]

@danielson0101 I have had a lot of what ifs in my life. I used to go crazy over them. When I had my son, I looked back over the long, unexpected, winding course of my life, and a thought came to my mind: even when life wasn’t going my way, life was going my way. In the big picture, the path had a grander version for my life than I could ever have for myself. Whenever I was disappointed, agonizing over a missed opportunity, something better always happened.
That is the mindset I encourage you to have. Trust, that the life you have right now, is the exact right family for you. The universe doesn’t make any mistakes.

 

[sean33606]

@danielson0101 This happened to me. We also had to make the decision to stop. And years later; it was the best decision we EVER made. IVF almost ruined our marriage.

 

[pennyrn]

@sean33606 This!

Currently pregnant from IVF with our one and done baby. 7 years of infertility and then the treatments which turned me into a horrible hormonal monster and sent me into deep depression, I don’t want to put my husband through that again - or my body for that matter! We have leftover embryos but I can’t imagine going through this heartache all over again and the finances - well forget about it! Drug prices going up and up just about every month!

IVF is a miracle but also a SOB!

 

[gisellemartinez1]

@danielson0101 I think it's totally normal to grieve a little when you make big life decisions. By nature, you're closing the door on an entire alternate version of your life. Even if you were entirely comfortable with the decision, it's not crazy to grieve the alternate version. I am OAD for a whole host of reasons. And yet, I still feel a little sadness at the thought of the potential larger version of our family. I try to acknowledge those thoughts but not dwell on them. A little sadness and even regret is okay, but it doesn't mean you've made a wrong decision. Give yourself time and grace to feel the loss of that alternate version of your life but don't let it consume you.