Has anyone been a SAHM during the day while husband is at work and then gone to work in the evenings? How did it work out for you?

[lesbian5eva]

We’re expecting our first child in January. My husband is a PhD student and I’m a therapist with total autonomy of my schedule. We’re considering an arrangement (after maternity leave, planning to take 3 months off) where I stay home with the baby until 5ish then see clients from 6-9pm. So 3 clients a day, 4-5 days a week via telehealth from my home office. I’m wondering if anyone has done anything similar and how it worked out for them. It feels overwhelming, mainly because I find myself most productive in the late mornings so this would be a pretty big lifestyle shift, but perhaps better than paying for daycare. I also would prefer to be a full time SAHM but my husband took a huge pay cut until May 2025 to do this PhD. We may revisit the conversation afterwards depending on his post PhD salary. So… thoughts? Are we totally insane? Does this seem doable?

 

[katrina2017]

@lesbian5eva I did in the past but briefly...biggest thing is sleep. You HAVE to come up with a fair arrangement. Just because your husband is going for a PHD doesn't mean you take on all night duty.l, even when breastfeeding. Becoming a parent is hard but you're both parents so split that in a way that makes sense for each of you. Housework is second for a while but also, the responsibility of both. Taking care of a newborn is work too. Both parents need sleep, preferably at least 4 hours each, uninterrupted.

It is absolutely doable though! Just wish we had villages these days

 

[lineman2015]

@lesbian5eva Doable but you are taking on 2 jobs. SAHM and therapist. Please make sure you share the work of childcare and home fairly between the 2 of you.

 

[activewear]

@lineman2015 Exactly this. I think so many women, and people generally, consider working from home or working part time being a SAHM. You would be a working mom, not a SAHM. I WFH and so often hear how lucky I am to be home with the kids, but I work the whole time? It’s hard to juggle everything.

OP, this would mean you got no break. You would be “on” all day taking care of your baby, then “on” until you go to sleep at night. When is your “off” time? When do you get a mental and physical break?

 

[lineman2015]

@activewear YES! When is your down time OP?

 

[shpchvr]

@lineman2015 Okay not to be facetious but wouldn't her down time be the weekend and from 9pm- 11pm like the rest of us working moms? Is that just me?

Like she is SAHM for 9 hours a day and then works for 3. I work for 9 hours a day (drive time) and then parent for 3 ( dinner, baths, bedtime). Some nights my husband is home with me but others I am solo.

 

[lineman2015]

@shpchvr I would hope so but it is dependent on dad being equally involved and supported. As OP has suggested she is a SAHM mom (although actually she’s working too) and dad is busy with PHD I just wanted to make sure she is getting time.

 

[mksamas]

@activewear This.

OP: working part time is *not* "stay at home mom".

That's doing shift work to accommodate your spouse's career. Please be clear that you are committing to far more than full-time work in this plan.

When the baby wakes in the middle of the night, who will care for it? When the baby is sick, who will care for it? Who will be accountable for the household tasks?

If you are both assuming that the baby will mostly sleep, and you will have plenty of time during the day to care for the household tasks, you should know that isn't necessarily true, especially if you end up having a C-section.

Edited to add: a lot of us have had the experience that, once the baby comes along, somehow our partner cannot figure out how to feed/diaper/burp/comfort that child.

If you are in session with clients, you *cannot* be disturbed. Does your partner have hands-on experience caring for infants? Do you have absolute confidence in his ability and willingness to do this, and not leave a screaming baby in filthy diapers, waiting for you to get out of session?

 

[tickingclocker]

@activewear Exactly this. Not a SAHM—a working mom with a really hard schedule.

 

[roxhanna821]

@lesbian5eva Here's the deal. If you have a job you are not a SAHM. Period. You are the childcare provider during the day. You will be the one in charge of Dr appointments and playdates. But you should not be expected to carry the full burden of the house, you work too.

Be careful not to let that "but you're/I'm the one at home" mindset creep in or the burnout will be swift and fierce.

 

[middi1]

@lesbian5eva Maybe it’s semantics but SAHM/SAHP means basically no outside/paying work at all, or very little. Having opposite shifts is different and something people do a lot to avoid paying for childcare. As others have said, make sure you split home and baby duties accordingly and fairly . And as I said below in a reply, the evening was the worst part of my baby’s day until at least 6 or 7 months (maybe longer, it’s hard to remember), so make sure your husband has practice dealing with that, and if you are seeing patients virtually or in person from a home office, make sure you have good soundproofing.

 

[godsgatekeeper]

@middi1 This is a very good point.

OP should also consider the emotional and psychological toll it can take, especially postpartum to hear your tiny newborn cry and to not be the one to fix it immediately. For me it was a fully instinctual, hormonal, lizard brain level reaction.

 

[roxhanna821]

@godsgatekeeper My youngest is 9. My lizard brain still kicks in when I hear a baby cry. I get so anxious.

 

[redwolf6]

@godsgatekeeper @lesbian5eva you need to see this above comment.

 

[fintastic]

@middi1 The evenings are the most challenging in our house as well, which means it’s the time of day that our LO is most likely to be clingy to me/comfort nurse. As parents with real lives and responsibilities we try to plan as best as we can, but babies gonna baby. Your plan makes sense on paper but both of you should remain flexible and follow your baby’s cues when building your plan.

 

[sandralois]

@lesbian5eva Doable. But take into account that baby can be fussy during those hours and ideally, you will feel rested and regulated for clients. I have been a WFH therapist for the last year and it’s really difficult when my son is also home (he’s 2 now). If your child can get into a good nighttime routine/rhythm, not bad. So, it depends if my answer but it definitely has the potential to be a good solution. I would definitely get good noise cancelling headphones! And Krisp is a noise cancelling software for your desktop.

 

[jd34]

@sandralois Seriously, 6-9pm was prime witching hour for my kids. And unfortunately after maternity leave and EBFing, my husband and his useless nipples couldn’t sooth them.

 

[middi1]

@jd34 This. Up until 6 or 7 months, evening witching hour struck every night.

 

[jamesmason10]

@jd34 Even now my kid is older I hate that my partner works evenings, those hours are still bath and bedtime routine time plus the time when most things I'd want to be doing for myself happen. His shifts rotate at least but long term it's not a great lifestyle.

 

[unclemack]

@jamesmason10 My husband works second shift (and a double on Fridays), and the nights alone are definitely the hardest.