Grief about WTT?

[tamlamc]

Does anyone ever feel grief about waiting to try?

I think sometimes waiting to try can appear as a choice (which sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t), which causes others to misunderstand the grief associated.

Like, there’s so much out there about infertility and grieving that. And there should be - actively trying and unable to get pregnant or experiencing miscarriage is a horrible experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone! I am not drawing the conclusion that infertility and waiting to try are anywhere near the same thing.

But I wish there was more support out there for those of us grieving the inability to try yet. It’s a real grief, in its own different and unique way. And while we look to the future, we still have very real feelings in the present. And I’m not talking baby fever - I’m talking gut-wrenching grief.

I guess I just feel like people minimize or misunderstand the pain associated with wishing and hoping and praying and feeling in every single bone that you want to be a mother and can’t be yet. That just because you’re not actively trying, that must mean you’re totally fine and happy not being a mother. That it’s all fine and dandy over here because you haven’t officially thrown away the birth control or had a miscarriage or been trying x number of months…

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me because I am medically required to wait to try after my injury… but it feels like because I’ve never actively tried to conceive that my grief around childlessness is somehow less valid in the eyes of others. Obviously not by anyone here, but out in the “real world.”

 

[warden_of_the_storm]

@tamlamc I 100% could have written this- know that you are not alone in these feelings. I am sending you good vibes and support!

I agree with your points about how it is separate from infertility, and let me tell you- I have done so much reading looking for resources about these feelings and there isn't much out there. Every resource seems to be about infertility, or being child-free for life by choice. I also hate the term "baby fever" - personally I think it's quite sexist (in the vein of "women's feelings are not valid") and I also feel that it has nothing to do with what I've experienced.

Watching (what feels like) the whole world move on a phase in life that you wish you were in, and not knowing what kind of fertility journey you may one day embark on is nothing short of agonizing. I feel like this kind of grief is very hard to explain to people for the reasons that you mentioned about it being a choice. Yes- I made the choice to wait to have children until I got my dream job, and then I chose to wait again to get settled in to that job because it was the best choice for me, my husband, and our theoretical children...but that didn't make it easy. I feel like I'm still grieving the plan that I was operating under for all of my 20s and trying to figure out how to let go of that plan, and accept that there is a new plan. No one seems to understand why my plan was so important to me, or why I feel like a failure in spite of many things in my life going well.

As someone who is nearing the end of this journey, my best advice is to do what you need to do to get through this period. Try to focus your time and energy on things that will be more difficult to do once you have children of your own, and limit your time on social media. Seriously- none of us need to know about that girl we went to college with who is having her second or third kid right now.

 

[tamlamc]

@warden_of_the_storm Thank you for your support. I wish there were more resources than just this group, but nonetheless I’m incredibly thankful for it! Sometimes it feels like I’m being punished for trying to be a responsible mother in the future but I am confident we’re making the right decision to wait. Still just because it’s a choice, doesn’t mean it’s an easy one. In fact, I like to consider it rather selfless to work towards a better QOL for my future children before they’re even born.

I once heard it described as “missing someone who doesn’t exist yet” and that resonated with me.

 

[warden_of_the_storm]

@tamlamc I like that thought of "missing someone who doesn't exist yet" - it really speaks to how hard this kind of grief is to grasp.

 

[jasonvr]

@tamlamc Me 100% grieving about the future I thought I was going to have. That I've built for 5(6 now ) years.

Then finding my love of software engineering, then realizing I may need to go to school for it, which means a lot of time/energy that I dont want divided from a newborn.

The excitement of finding something I could potentially love doing for the rest of my life aaaaannnnddddd the baby I've always dreamed of.

Fuck.

 

[tamlamc]

@jasonvr Right, grieving the change of plans, what you thought would be “perfect,” and living each day missing what you never even had. It’s such a real thing.

 

[jasonvr]

@tamlamc It's going to be so fucking tough in the fall/winter. I already know im going to have intrusive thoughts of "I wonder if I would have been pregnant by now."

I really wanted my baby in my golden year. Maybe it's still possible, I just don't know.

 

[tamlamc]

@jasonvr For what it’s worth, I got married at 23. I always pictured myself as someone who would get married and have kids right away, until OOPS I went to college and had to pay off all that $$$$$debt$$$$$. Instead, my husband and I set some goals, which we expected to meet by 30. Then, met those goals early, moved TTC to 28. Now I’m 28 and incapacitated so maybe 29??? Who knows. But I guess I’m saying this to encourage you to focus less on age and more on accomplishments. That way you might surprise yourself when you accomplish more than you thought, sooner than you thought. Age will come and go but your list of goals will only be checked off as you move forward, ya know?? But it’s still an incredibly valid grief when you let go of what you thought your life would look like…

But then again, don’t listen to me. We met all our accomplishments then I got hit in the head with a door so… yep. I guess life just happens…

 

[jasonvr]

@tamlamc I hear you. I do appreciate this. I just keep imagining my past younger self getting more and more disappointed in me. Gosh, the plans I had.

It is really up to my husband at this point. If he picks up a part time job and takes on a lot of the household chores/baby rearing, 23 could potentially achieve all of our goals including have a kid. I could learn programming without worry of life balance, and once I have a full time position we could afford him to be a full time stay at home parent or pursue whatever goals he wants. I just know I can't balance being a new home owner, going to school/self-teaching programming, being a new mom, and working full time.

This is definitely different than what I thought my year would look like. Lol. Best laid plans of mice and men.

 

[greatisyourmercy24]

@tamlamc I could have written this myself! I am 24(F) and I can barely put into words how badly I would love to start trying, but my husband and I are waiting until we have our house built which could be another 2-3 years at least.

I’m so tired of people saying we have plenty of time or that we will be grateful that we waited, because that doesn’t help me with how I feel now… I logically agree with my husband and our timeline, but emotionally I’m devastated and fully agree with you about it being grief related. I have been working incredibly hard to help separate myself from baby thoughts by removing my social media apps and trying to find new hobbies (the only one I can muster up right now is reading) and trying to reconnect with friends who don’t have children right now. Of course, my husband’s younger sister 23(F) just happened to announce she is pregnant with the first girl grandchild so it’s been a struggle to say the least. I’m wholeheartedly happy for them, but hearing all of her experiences so far with pregnancy and the baby just brings me to a sad place right now. I’m not proud of it, but I think I’m just working through all my emotions with WTT still.

I don’t really have anyone around me that understands because they have either already started their families or are choosing to be child free so it has felt rather lonely. This subreddit has helped me realize I am not the only one and that in time, I will get through it.

 

[tamlamc]

@greatisyourmercy24 Sending you hugs! The logic and the emotion is so hard. I KNOW we’re doing the right thing, but I still FEEL sad about it. You can have both those experiences.

 

[pilgrim8926]

@tamlamc Before I met my partner (now of 8 years) I had this strange feeling of missing someone I had never met. When we met, even before we started dating, that feeling went away. I have started feeling like that — I miss my baby, even though they don’t exist and I don’t know them. There’s an achy hole where they will fit.

 

[tamlamc]

@pilgrim8926 I met my husband when we were 8 years old and we started dating at 18. So I never really knew the single life. But I’ve always wondered if this feeling is similar to being single… wanting a partner but knowing it’s out of your control in ways… and grieving what you simply don’t have yet but wanted so dearly, missing someone you’ve never met… I’m so glad you found your person, and hopefully someday we’ll all celebrate creating a family with them.

 

[acure]

@tamlamc I completely understand where you're coming from, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I actually just opened Reddit because I'm feeling this right now too!

We have a heatwave here in the UK and I've been home alone today, all I can hear outside are families spending the day together, children running around and playing together, in and out of paddling pools having a wonderful time; and my heart hurts, it aches for those things to be happening in my garden, watching my children play, having family over for a bbq or sitting and cooling off in the shade after watching the kids play all day.

I cant wait for my turn.

 

[tamlamc]

@acure I’m sorry you’re having a rougher day with it… I definitely relate to all those feelings. I hope someday it will be our turn.

 

[acure]

@tamlamc My fingers are crossed for us both x

 

[jamesldg2018]

@tamlamc I was just thinking about this today but my partner and I are waiting to graduate and move to a different city to start trying and I know it’s very important that we wait but sheesh it sucks. I don’t know if it’s because it’s summer and there isn’t much to do but I feel so bored with my life right now. It feels empty and lonely. I wish I could fast forward :/

 

[tamlamc]

@jamesldg2018 I totally relate to this. Being medically homebound, I often wake up alone and think, “if only there were little feet running around I wouldn’t feel so lonely.” But I know that these struggles will make me a stronger and even more appreciative mother someday.

 

[moses199]

@tamlamc I relate to this so much. There are so many resources for people struggling with infertility and loss, but I have exhausted the internet and have found ultimately zero resources outside of this sub for the waiting to try phase. You’re totally right about people like us and how our grief is invalid according to the outside world. I learned this the hard way a couple years ago when I first joined Reddit and was CRUCIFIED for expressing grief for being unable to try (not on this sub).

On another note, it stings reading stories from much younger people on infertility subs who have been trying for years. While I don’t discount their grief, in some ways I’d rather have some sort of indication that there was an issue earlier on so I could have time to address any potential issues. In my case, any potential issues are unknown since I’ve been on HBC for 13+ years. It causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety.

 

[dang91]

@tamlamc I think you have drawn some really fine points and I agree that the feeling that comes with waiting for some of us is not simply pining but genuine grieving.

It's difficult navigating the said and unsaid assumptions from others about our own timeline, how we feel about the wait, that the wait is happening behind closed doors and it is intense.

This community seems to help me find some peace, though. The shared understanding we're in a similar boat each with our own circumstances makes me feel for others. I am happy when someone announces they've agreed on a month to TTC with their SO, I really feel for people who are having a hard day. It helps to have a perspective of the bigger picture and the truth is, we're going strong one day at a time.