Going for three or am I crazy?

[morgannicole555]

Did any of you put all practicalities aside and go for your third? Our boys are almost 2 &4 (June babies) & are A LOT. Half the time I dream of a third (I have a girl embryo) and the other I wonder if I can even handle one more. I want to want ti be able to handle more but at 40 I’m exhausted and it’s so hard. But I see so many making it work and doesn’t I get easier won’t always regret this?! Anyone else feel less than but continued to expand your family and it worked out?

 

[katrina2017]

@morgannicole555 In contrast to the people who say imagine your life 10-20 years from now, imagine your life in the present day. Imagine specific times — getting kids ready for the day, nap time, meal times, bedtime. Do you want another kid in addition to your two in your life? I think people have dreamy future ideas of kids until they’re here and then it’s really hard. The most important years for brain and personality development are the young years. Parents should assess their ability to manage their stress and emotional/time/financial resources available to provide a calm and loving environment when their kids are not school age yet.

 

[katrina2017]

I never see people mention this on this sub. Yes! I think we have to remember we need to survive the present to get to those dreamy futures.

 

[greyowl]

@katrina2017 I agree 100%. Even if you like the idea of a large family in the future and many grandkids etc, it still matters how well you are able to parent them as young children. Not to mention juggling 3+ teens is still a lot of work too.

 

[morgannicole555]

@greyowl But how do people manage? Many do!

 

[katrina2017]

@morgannicole555 Many do, yes. Most of those people who I know are managing well have significant help from grandparents or lots of money to pay for a nanny and housekeeper. And then eventually a driver to bring kids to their separate sports. And then there are unicorn parents who have all their shit from their own childhoods figured out and can handle all the difficult kid stuff with grace.

But many people don’t cope well. It is hard for parents to be outnumbered every single day. Someone is always crying and rarely are all three sleeping. You’re not inside these people’s homes where there’s screaming or the TV on 24-7. Rates of childhood trauma (ACEs) are about 50%. You see a family of 5 happy out at the park and think oh that looks nice.
In short, don’t compare yourself to others. Just think of what you and your partner feel you can handle.

 

[sisi]

@katrina2017 I don't know if you meant to imply this but I don't think it's just childhood trauma that makes kid stuff hard! I had an idyllic childhood with super consistently loving and generous parents, so haven't really had childhood stuff to figure out, and still have trouble handling baby/toddler stuff with grace many days, haha.

 

[katrina2017]

@sisi Yeah it’s hard no matter what especially with the 4 and under set. There just aren’t enough adults around per child. Hunter-gather groups have around a dozen+ adults caring for a child.

 

[betterbymyself]

@katrina2017 That is astounding about the ACEs, what's the source on that? I would be interested to read more. Thanks!

 

[katrina2017]

@betterbymyself The book, The Deepest Well is great. As for a source on that statistic, google ACEs prevalence.

 

[betterbymyself]

@katrina2017 Thank you - for the ACEs statistic, I have not been able to find anything specific to family size with that 50% number. Is that from a specific study?

 

[katrina2017]

@betterbymyself I didn’t mean to imply that family size is related to ACEs. I am unaware of research in that area.

 

[sisi]

@morgannicole555 Many people survive all sorts of non-ideal situations, but the question isn't whether you would survive, but what is better. For many people they manage but their lives are worse and they and their whole family systems are less happy.

 

[morgannicole555]

@sisi Yes true….. but they say follow your gut and heart but that’s hard to reconcile with the logical

 

[scrooge]

@morgannicole555 I’m pregnant with my 3rd, my kids are 8 and 5 .
I regret it now , but maybe I’ll change my mind when baby is here.
Also late 30’s

 

[heatherlilly]

@scrooge Not OP but I’m on the fence about a third and somedays it seems like something I really want and on other days, the idea of being pregnant and starting over gives me anxiety. May I ask why you currently regret it? It’s okay if you don’t want to share though!

 

[scrooge]

@heatherlilly Life is easy with 2, both independent, vacations are easy navigating through the airport . Spontaneously outings are easy they just jump in the car and buckle themselves up.
I’m struggling with the pregnancy , thinking about the newborn phase , breastfeeding , nappies , childcare , I’m just dreading doing it all over again.

 

[robnox]

@scrooge Ty for ur honesty. I’ve had two separate people tell me not to have anymore. One was on her second the other had twins for her second . Still
On the fence And we’d be fine financially . It’s My mental Capacity :/

 

[scrooge]

@robnox To be honest , when I was on the fence , a lot of people with 3 or more told me not to do it , I just couldn’t get it out of my head .
I also think if I didn’t get pregnant I would try desperately and keep trying .
Our minds can be crazy sometimes .

 

[robnox]

@scrooge Absolutely ! I was reading about basically take ur birth control away and see how u really felt . Mine was fine. Lol